One

One year ago this morning I gave birth to our first child. Our Jude dude. I lay in the hospital room watching the sun come up on the darkest day of the year holding my lifeless son in my arms. We spent most of the day with him, trying to make as many memories as possible. 

Then we said goodbye.

I can't believe it's been a year. I can still feel the numbness in my legs from the epidural. I can still see the hollow look in Jess' eyes as he tried to smile for pictures. I still feel the barely-there weight of Jude on my chest, as I closed my eyes and wished and prayed that when I opened them he would be pink and breathing. I still feel the inside-out emptiness of leaving the hospital with flowers and well-wishes instead of my baby.

But I feel other things too. I feel Jude's brother hiccuping inside me. I feel the silky fur of a snuggly puppy beside me. I feel the love of family and friends like a warm blanket wrapped around us. I feel the presence of the Prince of Peace in my home. I feel the hope of joy for tomorrow.

I still feel all the pain of this year without my Jude,...

But I also feel the love, peace, and joy that has been poured out on us from above and from those around us. 

Happy Birthday Jude.

I hope someone up there bakes you a cake.

 I love you sweet boy.

Messy

The last few weeks have been hard. Harder than I even anticipated. 

As Jude's birthday gets closer and closer I'm getting more and more emotionally fragile.

I hate being emotionally fragile.

That's not my normal.

But, it is my "grieving normal."

And I guess for now my "grieving normal" is going to be my normal again.

My "grieving normal" means I'm tired all the time. It means that working 10 or 11 hour days is starting to feel super overwhelming. It means that the comments I get all the time about this being my first baby are harder to shrug off than they have been. It means all Peter's kicks and wiggles make me smile initially because I LOVE feeling him; but then want to cry because I never got to feel Jude like this. It means I miss all my Parker friends so badly because they walked through the journey with us, and they "got it" more than most people do. It means that though I want desperately to be able to focus entirely on preparing for Peter and celebrating his life,... that's only one piece of my reality.

I want to be giving you all happy pregnancy updates. And there are moments when I sit down here prepared to do so,... I even start uploading belly pictures and the like,... But it's just not what comes out when I start writing. What comes out is the mess.

And what a mess it is! What confusion of being so grateful for so much, while also struggling with the messy reality of loss. The beautiful gift of little Peter, is only more precious to us because we're living in the messily-wrapped reality of missing Jude.

So I guess instead of trying to sort through my mess and present only one organized piece at a time, I'm just going to present it to you as is.

Here are a few snapshots of my mess:

We know it's going to be super important to us now and in the future to involve Jude in our Christmas traditions; especially since he was born so close to the holiday. One we are starting this year is that we are going to buy an angel ornament every year. We will wait to hang all the angels on our tree on his birthday.

Here's the ornament we got last week,.. sitting on the counter waiting to be hung next week.

Another tradition we want to have Jude represented in is our stockings. This year we hung four stockings. I haven't decided how I want to do names on them yet, but there is one each for Jess and I, Jude, and Peter.

Ok, here's where it's going to get messy. Because pictures about Christmas traditions honoring a child lost shouldn't go right next to pictures of pregnant bellies,.... right?

But here's the pretty part of my mess!

Yup. You saw that correctly. I roughly quadrupled in size in less than a month. 

(That's what it feels like anyway!)

I LOVE my belly. Jess gets such a kick out of checking to see if my belly button has popped every night. It's going to be an outie soon for sure. The ladies at work were joking the other day about how it's going to be like the little red button on Thanksgiving turkeys. It will pop out when it's done cooking!

And last but not least here's the nursery wall that we painted a couple of weeks ago. We just got the decal up, and I think it will look super cute with the crib right underneath it!

Apparently Lola thinks we did it just for her,... ooh she's in for a rude awakening when the little guy makes his appearance!

And there you have it.

It's unorganized. It's messy. It's not tidily wrapped and presented in a pretty package. 

It's just reality. And it's BEAUTIFUL,.... but messy.

If you think about it,... it's appropriate for the Christmas season. 

Jesus entrance into the world was also messy.

But Oh! So, so beautiful. 

Ashes

I have a confession to make:

We still have Jude's ashes.

I always thought it was weird in movies when people had great granny so-and-so's ashes in an urn on the mantle piece. Put the poor old lady to rest already! Right?

But somehow, I've become the weird character in the show that can't seem to let go of that last little piece of their loved one. 

I mean they're ashes for Heavens sake! You're supposed to have the person cremated and then spread them somewhere special. Their favorite vacation spot, their garden, the beach,... 

But I think that's part of the problem. I burst into tears every time I even think about spreading Jude's ashes somewhere because:

He doesn't have anywhere special.

Jess and I were talking about Jude's birthday coming up, and what we're going to do to commemorate the day (besides gorging myself on chocolate birthday cake). I said we should get some helium balloons, attach notes and release them up on the Monument or somewhere else pretty. He suggested we take his ashes and spread them too.

In a way, the Monument would be a good place to leave them. It's an absolutely gorgeous place. You have the beautiful desert and red rock canyon with it's sheer drops overlooking the lights of the valley with the lush Mesa and rugged Bookcliffs for its backdrop. Jess and I have spent many hours hiking around up there and many date nights under those stars when we were too poor to do anything else. And it's a place we should be able to come back to regularly as we have family settled here and hope to make the valley our permanent home someday.

It IS a special place,... to Jess and I.

I need to come to terms with the fact that I really shouldn't keep his ashes in the shadow box on my night stand for the rest of my life. I just don't know if I'm ready though.... or if there will EVER be a time or a place that it will be any easier to open that tiny blue heart-shaped box and let its contents stream out into the wind. I know it's not him. But it's the closest thing I have.

Maybe it's ok to be the movie cliche for a little bit longer.... 

Praying for peace one way or the other.

November

Before last year November always felt like a cozy month set aside for pumpkin pie lattes, birthdays, Thanksgiving, and the beginning of sweaters and wool socks season.

Then last year happened. 

November was a month to survive. Survival was really my only aspiration for November and December last year. Crying myself to sleep night after night. Longing to wake up the next day to find it was all just a nightmare. Then I did wake up,... and reality was still real. Something to merely survive. And I achieved survival. Many days I didn't FEEL alive. But life and faith moved me forward despite how I felt; and brought us through Jude's life and death and into a new year.

This year was something different entirely. I didn't really know what to expect of this month full of painful memories. I've mostly just gritted my teeth, put my head down and kept moving through each day; pushing myself to stay busy. For the most part it hasn't been too bad. I often catch myself wondering if I'm grieving "enough" at this point. I know there is no right or wrong when it comes to dealing with loss. I'm choosing to place my hope in Christ's redemption on the situation and trust that He'll make clear if I need to slow down.

So, that's November.

Here comes December. 

New

By this time in my pregnancy with Jude we had his diagnosis and were weighing all the terrible options. Overwhelmed to the breaking point with so much information,... and so little.

We'd had ultrasounds by techs, doctors, and then doctors with more initials.

We'd had an amniocentesis. And gotten a phone call with results that surprised even our specialists.

We'd had all the joy of pregnancy sucked out of us, and were left feeling like dry bones. Still carrying Jude physically, but burying him emotionally. Preparing to birth and bury him physically. Not knowing when he would come, but knowing he couldn't stay. Aching, and hurting as we were forced to place his tiny life and soul completely into his creator's hands. Forced to surrender all the hopes and dreams we'd had for him. Forced to give in to God's painful plan for him.

And even as I write this I'm feeling his brother roll about within me. Kicking here, punching there. Feeling him in ways I never felt Jude. We were told we may never have this. That Jude may have been our only chance. Praise God He had a different plan.

Things could be so different right now.

I catch myself often thinking about how different they would be if Jude were here. It would have been completely possible to have both of them. To be mothering a little one, while carrying his brother. I'll always wonder.

But I also wonder what it would be like if we hadn't been blessed so quickly with Peter. Or if I had experienced even one of the potential complications last time that could have robbed me of the ability to carry another. And I thank God.

So often I think more about the "what if he were still here?" instead of the "what if God hadn't chosen to bless us in a hundred other ways this year?"

When I focus on the blessings, it all feels new. I feel vulnerable; sometimes scared, but full of joy. Peter is already developed far beyond the point that Jude ever reached. Each new sensation; Every little ache; Every time a foot or hand finds a new place to land; Every time I feel the skin on my tummy stretching; Every time the sciatica shoots down my back; I want to have a heart of thankfulness. 

These things are new. They mean life and health. They mean opportunities to rejoice in the God that created both of my sons; and is providing me with the blessed opportunity to experience this one more. Each day is more beautiful than the last. Each day is new.

These next few months will be a season of remembering. Re-grieving. 

But also of rejoicing. Because of God's protection, provision, healing, and hope.

Lamentations 3:22-25

I remember my affliction and my wandering,

    the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

    and my soul is downcast within me.

 

Yet this I call to mind

    and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

 

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;

    therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

    to the one who seeks him;

tidbits

Time flies when you're having fun!

We've had a busy and fun couple of weeks. 

Last weekend we went up to the San Juan mountains and hiked Handies Peak with some friends. It was Peter's first 14er! It was slow going, but I was motivated to make it to the top, just so I could say I'd hiked a 14er 5 months pregnant. It was a beautiful day, and we rejoiced in God's magnificent creation the whole way. 

Here are a few pictures:

 On top:

I had a few days off work last week as well and started puttering around with baby projects. I made Peter a little hat and matching booties, as well as a mobile for the nursery, and some fabulous body butter for my rapidly stretching tummy skin. Pinterest is my friend. :-)

I've started thrifting as much as I can for the random "baby necessities." Scored an awesome changing table for 20 bucks, and some other little things. It feels good to start pulling stuff together. We still need quite a few things, but have plenty of time, and I feel like we're making progress now! It is (mostly) fun to start doing all of these things. Still a little scary here and there,... but for the most part we have a lot of peace.

We spent this weekend in Denver and it was such a blessing to reconnect with a lot of our friends that we haven't seen since we left. We are so blessed by those relationships, and miss them all so much! We stopped at The Tattered Cover (No trip to Denver is complete without at least a brief visit in my opinion. Best. Bookstore. EVER.) and bought a copy of Peter Rabbit, with a matching stuffed bunny that says Peter on his jacket. They are so cute! I imagine that bunny will receive many years of love/abuse at the hands of our Peter.

thoughts at 20 weeks

20 weeks yesterday. 1/2 way there. Some days that fact amazes me, and others it feels like I've been pregnant forever. Some days it feels like we've been expecting this baby since the beginning of my pregnancy with Jude. The lines and memories between the two pregnancies become blurry.

I called him Jude the other day.

I've caught myself thinking it a few times, but the other day when Peter was kicking really hard I mentioned it to Jess and referred to him as Jude Dude out loud. I quickly corrected myself, and tried not to let guilt set in. I don't think Jess even heard it, but it made me feel terrible. I think in some ways it would have been easier to differentiate the lines between the two if this one had been a girl. 

PLEASE don't get me wrong. I couldn't care less his gender; I'm just elated that he's healthy.

But, I think having another boy right away, along such a similar timeline as Jude was expected to take is more,... complicated. This is partly the reason we decided to go with the name Peter instead of James. James was originally a variation of the name Jacob. It means "The Usurper"; stemming from the story of Jacob( the younger brother) stealing Esau's (the older brother) birthright. It kinda just hit a little too close to home. We still love the name, and may go back to it if we have another boy someday, but this baby doesn't need that insinuation. It just left too much of a bad taste in our mouths. Now, Peter: "The Rock." Can't go wrong there. :-)

We went through Jude's things the other night to figure out what we have that we'll want to use for Peter, and what will stay as Jude's and only Jude's. Most of the clothes and baby things that we had bought before we got Jude's diagnosis we will use for Peter. But in my mind I still think of them as Jude's. I don't know when that will change. Maybe not until Peter is born, and his presence and alive-ness is more tangible.

One of my fears, and something that I've been praying about alot lately is that I don't EVER want Peter or any of our other future children to feel like they are playing second fiddle to Jude. I want them to know that they have a big brother in Heaven. I want them to be aware of his existence, and  count him among our family members. But it would break my heart if they ever felt less wanted, important, or loved than he is.

I desire BOTH of my boys. I always will. But Jude's absence will only make me appreciate the rest of our children MORE. That is the reality that I want our kids to know. I just pray that God would clearly guide Jess and I as we raise the children we are blessed enough to keep. I pray that we find the perfect balance in talking about Jude with Peter and any other kids we may have, and being open about our desire to be with him, without making them feel inadequate.

Da Belly

Here's the infamous belly progression thus far:

Dang. I hardly even realize how big I'm getting until I look back at the pictures!

One of the things I really regretted with Jude is that we didn't take "nice" belly pictures, just bathroom mirror reflection ones. I promised myself that no matter what, I would take nicer pictures for all subsequent pregnancies.

Things are going well. I *think* we've decided on the name Peter. Peter Allen Anderson. He just kicked me square in the bladder which seems to have become one of his favorite past-times. I love it. I'm feeling him so much, and it's absolutely fabulous. If I'm paying attention, rarely an hour goes by that I don't feel some movement or another. It just amazes me how active he is. He's going to be all boy for sure.

Tonight our project is to pull out  our boxes of Jude's things and go through them. I think I'm finally ready to sort through it, and try to picture using the things we got Jude for another baby. I know that some things we just won't be able to use for Peter, without only thinking of Jude. But hopefully most of it can count toward baby stuff for Peter too. We'll see how it goes.

We're going to watch the Avengers afterwards, so we'll have some good light comic relief.

The other thing that was really refreshing this week was meeting my new niece last Saturday. She was just a few hours old, and we went to the hospital to see my brother Matt, his wife Amy, and new Virginia June. She's a beauty! And I'm glad/relieved to say that that was the first time in almost a year that I've held a baby and didn't want to burst into tears.

I certainly thought of Jude. Wondered what it could have been like,.... I always will.

But I also thought of Peter.

And what it WILL be like. 

It made my heart more happy than sad. What a blessed relief.

It is well

We just got home from the doctor's a little bit ago. The ultrasound went well. We have alot of scary/sad memories associated with ultrasounds, so it was very emotional.

But this little guy looks great.

He's measuring right on track, even a little big which is very reassuring compared to how his big brother measured. 

Yup, it's another boy!

And as of right now he looks perfect.

We are so relieved, and thankful that there were no concerns and we can finally begin to breath a little easier.

Praise God!

And, as promised, we went immediately to REI and made our first baby purchase this pregnancy:

photo bomb courtesy of Libby the Wonder-Dog!

Diaper bag: check!

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers leading up to today. It's been a very anxiety-filled week. Fortunately right now, the biggest thing we have to worry about is figuring out his name! 

:-)

We're debating between James and Peter.

We considered both of them last time before going with Jude.

His middle name will be Allen after his grampa and his brother.

Which do you like better?

unforgotten dates

10.22.11

The day we found out we were having a boy and named him Jude. So much joy!

11.8.11

The day we had Jude's anatomy scan and found out *something may be wrong.* My birthday.

11.15.11

The day of our follow-up ultrasound with the perinatologist and found out Jude would (probably) not live.

11.17.11

The day of our amniocentesis.

11.19.11

The day we got the amnio results: Triploidy. All hope for Jude's survival gone. Jess' birthday.

12.20.11

The day we went to the hospital to usher our son through Heaven's gates.

12.21.11

The day we said "hello" and "goodbye."

Each of these days are ingrained in my memory like giant black holes in my brain. The reality of their approach really started to hit me this morning.

I. Am. Terrified.

I'm scared that history will repeat itself.

I'm scared that my fear of these approaching dates, and equivalent milestones with this pregnancy will/are overshadowing the joy of expecting this baby; and that it's unfair to this little one.

I'm afraid that the seemingly unending tears will return around these dates. 

I'm scared that I'll be re-consumed by my grief, and lose focus of the blessings that we have.

I'm scared to have to explain to those who can't understand our reality, why I'm not a "normal" pregnant woman, just looking forward to finding out the gender of our baby at the anatomy scan on Tuesday.

But:

I know I can rest in God's love. 

Is it easy? No. Will it always stop the tears? No.

But, in Him, I find rest.

As I was sitting here writing this, one of my favorite songs started playing on my Enter the Worship Circle station on Pandora. (FABULOUS station by the way.)

I'm challenging myself to remember that there is more truth in these lyrics than there is in my fear.

I will remember the power of this day over all the others:

How Deep The Father's Love For Us

(by Stuart Townsend)

How deep the Father's love for us.

How vast beyond all measure.

That He would give His only Son,

To make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss.

The Father turns His face away,

As wounds which mar the Chosen One

Bring many sons to Glory.

Behold the man upon the cross,

My sin upon His shoulders,

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held Him there,

Until it was accomplished.

His dying breath has brought me life.

I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything: 

No gifts, no power, no wisdom.

But I will boast in Jesus Christ,

His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from His reward?

I can not give an answer.

But this I know with all my heart:

His wounds have pain my ransom.

That is the love of my Savior. In this love, with His help, I will rest.

Blue Skies

So we haven't purchased  anything yet for this baby.

With Jude I'd been an Amazon and Ebay addict for a while by now.

I had made quite a few purchases. My favorite of which were the Beco baby carrier, and the complete set of Good Dog Carl books.

We've held off this time. I want to feel a little more confident that I'll actually be able to use the items I buy, before beginning to purchase more things that could just end up also being packed away in a box in the closet with Jude's things.

But that was before I saw this FABULOUS Sherpani bag at REI:

It's name is even perfect: the Blue Skies messenger bag.

I was a goner.

I wanted to purchase it on the spot.

Wouldn't it be the world's awesomest diaper bag??? And not all kitschy and cutsie like many of them.

(Not to offend people that do cutsie. It's just not me.)

Then the voice of reason (my husband) spoke up and reminded me that we're waiting. 

So I made him a deal:

After the ultrasound (In a week and a half!), if all looks good,

I'm marching my rapidly-expanding pregnant booty back into REI and buying that bag.

I'm doing it.

It. Will. Happen.

Believing that still feels risky. But at least for today, I'm choosing to believe it anyway.

I WILL use that bag to carry around tiny clothes, diapers, binkies, and blankets.

By the grace of God,

It. Will. Happen.

Rainbow Baby

The past year or so I've been learning this new language. It doesn't really have a name. I suppose you could call it the language of loss. There are whole communities of women online who have experienced loss/infertility problems. Over time they have slowly created terms for things and experiences that our language doesn't facilitate. There are tons of terms to learn, many I'm still unfamiliar with. One that I catch myself using in regular conversation is fairly self-explanatory: Take-Home Baby. We PRAY that this little one will be our Take-Home Baby.

My favorite though, is also one of the most common: Rainbow Baby. Any baby conceived after a loss is a Rainbow Baby. Sometimes our Rainbow Babies also become Angel Babies. Sometimes our Rainbow Babies become our Take-Home Babies! 

The child I now carry is our Rainbow Baby. Think about it for a minute.

Isn't it perfect?

Hope after the storm. After the raging waters have completely suffocated life from the earth... 

A promise.

Genesis 9:13-16

"I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."

We thought all was lost. The future was terrifying. We couldn't see how life could go on.

And then, a rainbow.

It doesn't mean we won't struggle, it just means that there is more reason to persevere through difficulties!

This time

(Trigger)

One year ago today we told the world that we were expecting our first baby.    

We were pretty proud of how we did it.          

I still think it's a cute announcement:

Jess' extra curricular reading this winter

Well, this year we have another announcement to make,...

Yep.    :-)

 Another little Anderson is on their way.

We're feeling incredibly blessed. And excited. And scared. Life is an emotional rollercoaster; but by the grace of God, there are more highs than lows these days. We're doing this again. And we feel as ready as we'll ever be, but pregnancy will never be the same for us as it was early on with Jude.

EVERYTHING is so different this time.

If I could have a buck for every time I said or thought about how different THIS TIME is,... I'd buy us a vineyard chateau in France and retire.

This time our joy is quiet.

This time we have no expectations.

This time we are not planning more than a few days in advance.

This time I have nightmares.

This time we know that all we can do is cover our baby in prayer.

This time, when asked if this is our first, I'm tongue tied.

This time we anxiously await our baby's arrival, while still grieving for his/her big brother.

This time, balancing emotions is like walking a tightrope.

This time we won't find out the gender, because we know ALIVE is all that matters. 

This time I mostly hide my baby belly.

This time ultrasounds are terrifying.

This time every day feels like an accomplishment.

The list goes and goes and goes.

Since the pregnancies were only about 6 months apart, my body kicked into gear super quickly. Now, at 15+ weeks I'm almost as big as I was when Jude was born (at 27 weeks). I've been feeling this little one's wiggles for a few weeks now. It's such a reassurance, and I believe a direct gift from God that I've been able to feel him/her so early. Love those wiggles. Today I have wiggles in my womb, and I pray that I will feel those wiggles in my arms come about March 2nd.

It seems to help to be with and talk to other pregnant ladies. Occasionally their naivete frustrates me, but ultimately I think that a little bit of their un-abandoned joy rubs off. They remind me what pregnancy SHOULD be like,... what it used to be like.

Enough for now. 

I just have one request before I sign off: Please be praying for us.
Everything has gone smoothly with the pregnancy so far. I've had a number of ultrasounds with no concerns arising yet. In the back of my mind though is the knowledge that Jude looked fine too, until later on. We have our anatomy scan (the big ultrasound,... the one that changed everything with Jude) coming up on Oct. 2nd. It's scary stuff. We're trying to trust God completely with this baby, but are also painfully aware that trusting God doesn't protect us from difficulties and sorrow.

I'm hoping that if all is well at this next ultrasound I'll feel like I can start actually planning on having a baby. Our first take home baby.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for your thoughts and prayers!

Someone Else's Life

I sit here at my kitchen table listening to the landscapers finish up their work on our lawn outside, a cup of coffee and a gorgeous Palisade peach next to me, two sleepy dogs at my feet, and feel SO GRATEFUL for this life. I just finished returning an email to a baby-loss mama who saw my story on another web-site, and who also lost her precious little one to Triploidy. I both hate and love getting these emails. I love that they have found me, and love the opportunity to reach out and encourage them; but I HATE that other baby-loss mamas exist, and I hate the pain that they are experiencing. Anyway, part way through the email, as I was asking this other mama if she felt like she had begun to find her "new normal" it hit me. 

This. Is. My. Life. This is my new normal. I take a step back and look at this beautiful, messy, life, and it doesn't feel like mine. Certainly not what I expected/wanted!

If you had told me a year ago that this would be my life today, I wouldn't have believed you. I would have wondered how I could survive. I wouldn't have wanted this life!

But today, having lived it, I love it. Is there still pain? Yes. But there is so much beauty and joy in the midst of it! 

This may never totally feel like MY life, but that's because it's not the life I chose for myself. It's the life God chose to give to me; and while it is not without pain, it is good.

Psalm 30:11-12

You turned my wailing into Dancing;

You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

That my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.

I'm Baaaack!!!

Hello, hello, hello!!!!

I haven't had any internet in a month, so I'm so pleased that it *seems* to be working this morning! We'll see how far I get, but hopefully I'll get a quick update out there!

Life has been so crazy! I don't even know where to start! Let's go chronologically....

Jess got his board scores back,... and what do you know,... I married a freakin' genius! He did super well on both exams, which is such a reassurance that all his dedication and hard work is paying off,... and that God is providing and paving the way! Even though the med school journey is definitely challenging, God's clear hand of blessing on Jess' work helps us know that we are in His will, and therefore it will absolutely be worth it!

He started his rotations in early August, and is almost done with his first one which has been in Internal Medicine. It worked out really well, because he knew this would be an area he was interested in, and so far he has really enjoyed it! The docs he's been working with have been helpful and gracious, while also pushing him to learn and grow. It's been an exciting time for him to get in the hospital and start experiencing what life can be like as a physician!

Annnnnnnnd that brings me to our HOUSE!!!! We absolutely love it! We've been in here for about a month now (hence the reason for no internet for a month) and we're really feeling settled in. Here are a few pics!

Our bedroom:

My kitchen, which I'm in love with!!!!

 Dining room:

Upstairs family room:

Downstairs living room:

another of the downstairs living room:

We're getting the yard worked on this week,... hopefully we'll have sod in by friday! There will still be alot of work to do out there,... it's going to be a continual work in progress, but hopefully we'll be able to start enjoying it this weekend! The dogs are going to LOVE having grass to play on! And I can't wait to start planing flower beds!

Speaking of dogs and beds,....

She's getting big, but I still think she's the cutest puppy in the world!

Almost 6 months: (helping me fold laundry)

There are about 50 million other things I could write about,... but I have a few other things I reeeeally need to get done while we still have internet! (Maybe the previous problems with it have been solved, and it's up for good, in which case I'll be back soon!)

Much love,

summer crazies

Ok, brief updates: Jess is done with boards! whoopee! This is just round 1 of 4,... but it's good to have these ones behind us. He should get results soon. He's back in Denver again now, for a 2 week long 3rd year orientation course.

And yes, we are still buying a house. slowly. very, very, slowly. blah.... Our closing is set for a week from today, but I'm not confident that it will stay there. It sure does seem difficult to get people to do their jobs! Lord willing though, we'll be able to move in when Jess gets back from his class at the end of the month. We have all of our furniture and pain colors picked out,... we just need a house to put them in!

Jess had one week off last week and we went camping up on the Grand Mesa while he was home. It was so nice to get up into the mountains! The dogs had a blast chasing chipmunks to their heart's content, and Lola made it the whole 11 mile Crag's Crest hike! She was a rock star. Here are some pictures:

And my favorite picture from the whole trip:

I definitely still feel the absence of Jude when we go out and do things like this, but it doesn't usually cause the same intense pain that it used to. I think I'm learning to be content with the blessings that I have in the here and now. 

Hopefully new house pictures will be coming soon! 

Blessings on you and thanks for reading!

Dear Grief,

Let's just clear the air.

Your seemingly random appearances without so much as a pre-visit phone call are really starting to get old.

It's one thing if you give fair warning of your impending visits. Totally another however, when you show up without even giving me enough warning to clear the clutter from the coffee table of my mind.

Simply rude.

Please call ahead from now on.

Sincerely,

Mom Body

"Mom body" is a touchy subject; I know. It means different things to different people. And even different things to the same people at different times in their lives.

I've seen several blogs lately on the subject of having to transition to a "mom body" without the baby that usually goes with it. I've been thinking alot about blogging on the subject, and whether or not it is glorifying to do so, but I think it's valuable to share my experience.

Everyone's experience with loss is different. I know that for many women, body image issues are not even on their radar after a loss. Maybe it makes me shallow, but immediately after having Jude I wanted to lose the pounds I'd put on, and have my old body back. I didn't want to look like I'd just had a baby, unless I had the baby to show for it. I've never hugely struggled with my body image. There are things I don't like about myself, of course, but I work hard to be healthy, and for the most part that's always been good enough for me.

Not after I had Jude though. I wanted to be healthy,... but more than that I wanted to be skinny.

It took me a few months to start losing the weight. It helped that I had no appetite for quite some time. But even when I started losing, and have continued to lose, and now weigh less than I have in years,... I still struggled. I don't like my body.

I think I can finally admit that it has very little to do with how my body looks,... and alot to do with the fact that my body couldn't save Jude. It couldn't help him thrive. It couldn't even keep him alive. Different women  have varying responses to it, but the sense of betrayal felt seems to be fairly universal.

I DO have a "mom body." My body has carried a child,... it just couldn't carry him long enough.

I can't begin to express how difficult it is to share your body with your growing child. GIVE your body to your child, really; only to see him emerge from it breathless. It causes me to mistrust and dislike this vessel I've been given. It causes me to want to change it into something different than it is. Something better than it is.


The Bible has alot to say about our bodies:


Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20


So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27


For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10


I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14


I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Romans 12:1


These are just a few of many verses about our earthly bodies, and the view we should have on them. I will likely struggle to view my body as a beautiful temple of the Holy Spirit for the rest of my days on this earth. But this following passage gives me so much hope. Hope for a future in Heaven, not only for me, but for Jude!



I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed — in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

 “Where, O death, is your victory?
    Where, O death, is your sting?”

 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

 Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
1 Corinthians 15:50-58

I can't wait for my new body; and to see Jude in his. Untouched by pain and death. They will be so much better than this!

If you were here

If you were here I would wish you a happy 1/2 birthday.

If you were here I would have pulled you into bed with us this morning and snuggled you, and smiled down at you while you nursed. I would have kissed your perfect little nose, and every little finger and toe.

If you were here I would have changed your diaper and made sure you wore your cutie little froggie cloth diaper today; because today you are 6 months old, and that's pretty special. Definitely a froggie diaper day. Even though I know it will only last an hour or two.

If you were here I would have put you in a cute little pair of jean shorts and the shirt we got you that says: hide your daughters. :-) Because that shirt is my favorite. And today is a day for favorites. I would put an itty bitty cap on your head, lather you up with sunscreen, and we'd go for a nice early morning walk. Just you and me and the dogs. You'd ride in your awesome Beco baby carrier I bought you. You would love it.

If you were here you'd take a nap with daddy on the couch after our walk. You'd sleep peacefully on his lap while he studies away. He'd look down at you with the same look of pride he had on his face as when we found out you were a boy.

If you were here I'm sure you'd fuss. I would swaddle you and hold you and do everything I could think of to  make you feel better. I might feel desperate after a while; but only because I love you so much that I don't want you to be unhappy.

If you were here you'd love the dogs. I'd put you in your swing and let you watch them jump around and play. You would giggle; and I would giggle because your giggle is contagious.

If you were here we'd visit with Gramma and Grampa Storey for dinner. They can't wait to see you. Grampa would make faces at you until you smiled, and Gramma wouldn't let you go all evening (Aunt Cara and Aunt Amy would gripe about it for sure.). Then we'd skype Granny-Mur before bed; because she needs to see you on your 1/2 birthday too!

If you were here we'd put you to bed and fall onto the couch exhausted. We'd have a cup of decaf then go to bed ourselves apprehensive of the moment we heard you wake up hungry. But then I'd roll over, and see your beautiful face and smile despite the fatigue. I'd pull you into our bed, look into your big blue eyes and be so happy to see you.

Happy 1/2 birthday sweet boy.

Puppers!

I Once again find myself needing to apologize for my blogging delinquency!

The Last few months have been absolutely crazy and blogging is one of the many things that falls by the way side when I get overwhelmed and busy. But, while the last 3 weeks HAVE been totally overwhelming and busy, they have also been super blessed. 

I fact, I think they've probably been the best 3 weeks I've had since we lost Jude.

I still think of him every day. I still long to hold him in my arms. I still struggle to know how much to share about him with those around me. I still miss him with every fiber of my being,... but I think I'm starting to really learn how to embrace my here and now. Today is what I've been given. I can choose joy despite my circumstances, and focus on all the things I have to be thankful for. 

It is still hard some days; and sometimes I still feel like being truly happy is betraying Jude's memory in some way, but it's getting easier. 

This cutie-face sure helps:

Meet Lola!

I call her my therapy dog. She is too! She's such a snuggle bug.

We got her just a few days before we were moving to Grand Junction. It was totally chaotic and we really questioned our sanity for the first little while, but now we are both SOOOOO glad we got her. She really is a great puppy. My mom keeps saying she's just like Marley, from Marley and Me. She's trouble sometimes, but just look at that face! :-)

She is a Golden Retriever/Brittany Spaniel mix, we got her when she was 11 weeks old, and she's almost 14 weeks now. She's already half again as big as she was when we got her. She and Libby are getting along great (most of the time):

The weekend before we moved, String of Pearls had a butterfly release memorial ceremony for all of their baby loss families. It was a beautiful day at the park, and there was something really magical seeing those butterflies taking off toward our little ones in Heaven. It was also a blessing to chat with and get to know some of the other families there and hear their stories. While I wish that no one else ever had to through what we did with Jude, it's super comforting to know there are others out there that 'get it.' It helps us feel less lonely. Here are a few pictures from the butterfly release:

So now we've been in GJ for two weeks. Everything is going smoothly with our house, it's just a slow process. Right now the closing is set for July 17th, and we're hoping to be able to bump it up a little sooner, but don't know if it will happen. We are SO blessed to be able to stay at my parents house in the mean time. 

I started my job last week and it's going fabulously. It's at the Endoscopy Center that I worked for in college and alot of the staff is the same. It's going to be a great fit for now. I really enjoy the people I'm working with, and it's a very low stress environment; especially compared to where I have been. It's such a blessing!

I'm working alot this month as I get oriented and learn the different roles, but then I should be working about 2-3 days a week. It will be perfect for when we move into our new house and are getting settled. 

In other news....

My honey is a hunk!

He ran the Tough Mudder with some friends on Sunday and had a blast!

We met a bunch of our friends from Parker up at the Beaver Creek ski resort and the studly dudes all ran, while the wifey's did our best to take pictures of them along the way. It was so much fun even just to watch! 

(For those of you who aren't familiar with the Tough Mudder, it's a 12 mile extreme obstacle course race.)

He has me talked into doing it next year if we don't have another wee one on the way yet. 

Other than impressing me with his awesome Tough Muddering prowess Jess has been completely buried in books. He takes his first boards exam in just about 2 weeks now, and has been faithfully studying away. We would both appreciate your prayers that these exams would go well for him!

That's about it for now. I have the day off today and need to get somethings done; including go to the doctor for this super obnoxious cough I've had for a week now. :-(

As life slows down and we're able to get into the groove of routine I'm hoping to find the time to keep up better on here. That may or may not happen until this fall though.

One more picture of my Lola girl for you:

Until next time!