One

One year ago this morning I gave birth to our first child. Our Jude dude. I lay in the hospital room watching the sun come up on the darkest day of the year holding my lifeless son in my arms. We spent most of the day with him, trying to make as many memories as possible. 

Then we said goodbye.

I can't believe it's been a year. I can still feel the numbness in my legs from the epidural. I can still see the hollow look in Jess' eyes as he tried to smile for pictures. I still feel the barely-there weight of Jude on my chest, as I closed my eyes and wished and prayed that when I opened them he would be pink and breathing. I still feel the inside-out emptiness of leaving the hospital with flowers and well-wishes instead of my baby.

But I feel other things too. I feel Jude's brother hiccuping inside me. I feel the silky fur of a snuggly puppy beside me. I feel the love of family and friends like a warm blanket wrapped around us. I feel the presence of the Prince of Peace in my home. I feel the hope of joy for tomorrow.

I still feel all the pain of this year without my Jude,...

But I also feel the love, peace, and joy that has been poured out on us from above and from those around us. 

Happy Birthday Jude.

I hope someone up there bakes you a cake.

 I love you sweet boy.