thoughts at 20 weeks

20 weeks yesterday. 1/2 way there. Some days that fact amazes me, and others it feels like I've been pregnant forever. Some days it feels like we've been expecting this baby since the beginning of my pregnancy with Jude. The lines and memories between the two pregnancies become blurry.

I called him Jude the other day.

I've caught myself thinking it a few times, but the other day when Peter was kicking really hard I mentioned it to Jess and referred to him as Jude Dude out loud. I quickly corrected myself, and tried not to let guilt set in. I don't think Jess even heard it, but it made me feel terrible. I think in some ways it would have been easier to differentiate the lines between the two if this one had been a girl. 

PLEASE don't get me wrong. I couldn't care less his gender; I'm just elated that he's healthy.

But, I think having another boy right away, along such a similar timeline as Jude was expected to take is more,... complicated. This is partly the reason we decided to go with the name Peter instead of James. James was originally a variation of the name Jacob. It means "The Usurper"; stemming from the story of Jacob( the younger brother) stealing Esau's (the older brother) birthright. It kinda just hit a little too close to home. We still love the name, and may go back to it if we have another boy someday, but this baby doesn't need that insinuation. It just left too much of a bad taste in our mouths. Now, Peter: "The Rock." Can't go wrong there. :-)

We went through Jude's things the other night to figure out what we have that we'll want to use for Peter, and what will stay as Jude's and only Jude's. Most of the clothes and baby things that we had bought before we got Jude's diagnosis we will use for Peter. But in my mind I still think of them as Jude's. I don't know when that will change. Maybe not until Peter is born, and his presence and alive-ness is more tangible.

One of my fears, and something that I've been praying about alot lately is that I don't EVER want Peter or any of our other future children to feel like they are playing second fiddle to Jude. I want them to know that they have a big brother in Heaven. I want them to be aware of his existence, and  count him among our family members. But it would break my heart if they ever felt less wanted, important, or loved than he is.

I desire BOTH of my boys. I always will. But Jude's absence will only make me appreciate the rest of our children MORE. That is the reality that I want our kids to know. I just pray that God would clearly guide Jess and I as we raise the children we are blessed enough to keep. I pray that we find the perfect balance in talking about Jude with Peter and any other kids we may have, and being open about our desire to be with him, without making them feel inadequate.