I have a confession to make:
We still have Jude's ashes.
I always thought it was weird in movies when people had great granny so-and-so's ashes in an urn on the mantle piece. Put the poor old lady to rest already! Right?
But somehow, I've become the weird character in the show that can't seem to let go of that last little piece of their loved one.
I mean they're ashes for Heavens sake! You're supposed to have the person cremated and then spread them somewhere special. Their favorite vacation spot, their garden, the beach,...
But I think that's part of the problem. I burst into tears every time I even think about spreading Jude's ashes somewhere because:
He doesn't have anywhere special.
Jess and I were talking about Jude's birthday coming up, and what we're going to do to commemorate the day (besides gorging myself on chocolate birthday cake). I said we should get some helium balloons, attach notes and release them up on the Monument or somewhere else pretty. He suggested we take his ashes and spread them too.
In a way, the Monument would be a good place to leave them. It's an absolutely gorgeous place. You have the beautiful desert and red rock canyon with it's sheer drops overlooking the lights of the valley with the lush Mesa and rugged Bookcliffs for its backdrop. Jess and I have spent many hours hiking around up there and many date nights under those stars when we were too poor to do anything else. And it's a place we should be able to come back to regularly as we have family settled here and hope to make the valley our permanent home someday.
It IS a special place,... to Jess and I.
I need to come to terms with the fact that I really shouldn't keep his ashes in the shadow box on my night stand for the rest of my life. I just don't know if I'm ready though.... or if there will EVER be a time or a place that it will be any easier to open that tiny blue heart-shaped box and let its contents stream out into the wind. I know it's not him. But it's the closest thing I have.
Maybe it's ok to be the movie cliche for a little bit longer....
Praying for peace one way or the other.
I follow your blog, and don't think I have commented before....but I want to say that possibly, having your son's remains in a shadow box on your nightstand IS the special place he is meant to be and I don't think it is weird or cliched at all if that is where you need him to be.
ReplyDeleteHugs...
I think the previous poster makes a good point. It's almost been six months, and I keep Jacob's ashes on a special shelf in our bedroom along with some of his other things. I can't envision them not ever being there so I'll be a movie cliche right along with you. The one thing we did do....we planted a special tree for him and sprinkled some of his ahes in the planting hole before placing the tree. Hoping you find peace with whatever you choose.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way. Our daughter's ashes are on our dresser with a pretty beeswax candle and a photo.
ReplyDeleteSo... we have thought about laying her to rest, and I honestly feel like I "should", but at the same time the thoughts distresses me. The thought of scattering her ashes REALLY distresses me. I think we will choose to bury her ashes. That way we have a place to visit, and I will still know exactly where she is. But, even after having toured the cemetery and having found a spot we like, we have decided to wait. It doesn't feel right yet.
I hope you find peace in whatever decision is right for you.
It's been six months since losing our daughter to Triploidy... I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of her remains. :'(
ReplyDelete