If you were here

If you were here I would wish you a happy 1/2 birthday.

If you were here I would have pulled you into bed with us this morning and snuggled you, and smiled down at you while you nursed. I would have kissed your perfect little nose, and every little finger and toe.

If you were here I would have changed your diaper and made sure you wore your cutie little froggie cloth diaper today; because today you are 6 months old, and that's pretty special. Definitely a froggie diaper day. Even though I know it will only last an hour or two.

If you were here I would have put you in a cute little pair of jean shorts and the shirt we got you that says: hide your daughters. :-) Because that shirt is my favorite. And today is a day for favorites. I would put an itty bitty cap on your head, lather you up with sunscreen, and we'd go for a nice early morning walk. Just you and me and the dogs. You'd ride in your awesome Beco baby carrier I bought you. You would love it.

If you were here you'd take a nap with daddy on the couch after our walk. You'd sleep peacefully on his lap while he studies away. He'd look down at you with the same look of pride he had on his face as when we found out you were a boy.

If you were here I'm sure you'd fuss. I would swaddle you and hold you and do everything I could think of to  make you feel better. I might feel desperate after a while; but only because I love you so much that I don't want you to be unhappy.

If you were here you'd love the dogs. I'd put you in your swing and let you watch them jump around and play. You would giggle; and I would giggle because your giggle is contagious.

If you were here we'd visit with Gramma and Grampa Storey for dinner. They can't wait to see you. Grampa would make faces at you until you smiled, and Gramma wouldn't let you go all evening (Aunt Cara and Aunt Amy would gripe about it for sure.). Then we'd skype Granny-Mur before bed; because she needs to see you on your 1/2 birthday too!

If you were here we'd put you to bed and fall onto the couch exhausted. We'd have a cup of decaf then go to bed ourselves apprehensive of the moment we heard you wake up hungry. But then I'd roll over, and see your beautiful face and smile despite the fatigue. I'd pull you into our bed, look into your big blue eyes and be so happy to see you.

Happy 1/2 birthday sweet boy.

Puppers!

I Once again find myself needing to apologize for my blogging delinquency!

The Last few months have been absolutely crazy and blogging is one of the many things that falls by the way side when I get overwhelmed and busy. But, while the last 3 weeks HAVE been totally overwhelming and busy, they have also been super blessed. 

I fact, I think they've probably been the best 3 weeks I've had since we lost Jude.

I still think of him every day. I still long to hold him in my arms. I still struggle to know how much to share about him with those around me. I still miss him with every fiber of my being,... but I think I'm starting to really learn how to embrace my here and now. Today is what I've been given. I can choose joy despite my circumstances, and focus on all the things I have to be thankful for. 

It is still hard some days; and sometimes I still feel like being truly happy is betraying Jude's memory in some way, but it's getting easier. 

This cutie-face sure helps:

Meet Lola!

I call her my therapy dog. She is too! She's such a snuggle bug.

We got her just a few days before we were moving to Grand Junction. It was totally chaotic and we really questioned our sanity for the first little while, but now we are both SOOOOO glad we got her. She really is a great puppy. My mom keeps saying she's just like Marley, from Marley and Me. She's trouble sometimes, but just look at that face! :-)

She is a Golden Retriever/Brittany Spaniel mix, we got her when she was 11 weeks old, and she's almost 14 weeks now. She's already half again as big as she was when we got her. She and Libby are getting along great (most of the time):

The weekend before we moved, String of Pearls had a butterfly release memorial ceremony for all of their baby loss families. It was a beautiful day at the park, and there was something really magical seeing those butterflies taking off toward our little ones in Heaven. It was also a blessing to chat with and get to know some of the other families there and hear their stories. While I wish that no one else ever had to through what we did with Jude, it's super comforting to know there are others out there that 'get it.' It helps us feel less lonely. Here are a few pictures from the butterfly release:

So now we've been in GJ for two weeks. Everything is going smoothly with our house, it's just a slow process. Right now the closing is set for July 17th, and we're hoping to be able to bump it up a little sooner, but don't know if it will happen. We are SO blessed to be able to stay at my parents house in the mean time. 

I started my job last week and it's going fabulously. It's at the Endoscopy Center that I worked for in college and alot of the staff is the same. It's going to be a great fit for now. I really enjoy the people I'm working with, and it's a very low stress environment; especially compared to where I have been. It's such a blessing!

I'm working alot this month as I get oriented and learn the different roles, but then I should be working about 2-3 days a week. It will be perfect for when we move into our new house and are getting settled. 

In other news....

My honey is a hunk!

He ran the Tough Mudder with some friends on Sunday and had a blast!

We met a bunch of our friends from Parker up at the Beaver Creek ski resort and the studly dudes all ran, while the wifey's did our best to take pictures of them along the way. It was so much fun even just to watch! 

(For those of you who aren't familiar with the Tough Mudder, it's a 12 mile extreme obstacle course race.)

He has me talked into doing it next year if we don't have another wee one on the way yet. 

Other than impressing me with his awesome Tough Muddering prowess Jess has been completely buried in books. He takes his first boards exam in just about 2 weeks now, and has been faithfully studying away. We would both appreciate your prayers that these exams would go well for him!

That's about it for now. I have the day off today and need to get somethings done; including go to the doctor for this super obnoxious cough I've had for a week now. :-(

As life slows down and we're able to get into the groove of routine I'm hoping to find the time to keep up better on here. That may or may not happen until this fall though.

One more picture of my Lola girl for you:

Until next time!

5 months and more.

5 months. 

I can hardly believe it's been that long.

I've been so busy the last few weeks I haven't even had time to process life.

Mother's Day was ok. All our original plans changed when we found a house that we wanted to buy the day before Mother's Day. We made an offer, and stayed in town longer then planned. Jess had to head back home that afternoon, while I stayed to follow through on house stuff. We did get out for a little hike with Libby that morning, which was nice, then I was just busy the rest of the day so it went quickly. 

One of the things that I continue to recognize when we go through a busier stage is that grief can sometimes be delayed when necessary, but it never really gives you a break. I find that when I don't take the time to sit,  remember, process my emotions, and communicate with my hubby, everything may seem ok for a few days but if I continue to put it off, then things WILL crash eventually. I always have to "make up" for any time I try to take off from my grieving process.

Since we knew that Mother's Day itself was likely to be one of those busy times, we took an evening before we left for GJ and made a shadow box with Jude's things in it. They had been set out on the bookshelf, but we wanted a prettier, more permanent way to display his things. Here are a few pictures:

Jude's shadow box

It was nice to go back through all of it and once again touch all the things that he touched, and remember the  joy as well as the pain of it all. I find that as more time passes, I spend less time remembering how difficult this winter was, and more time thinking about how old he would be now. I tend to keep a running tally in my head of how old he would be had he survived his birth in December, or if he'd been born on his due date. It's a blessing and a curse to be so familiar with child development. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't know exactly what milestones I'm missing day by day.

One of the things that has made the last few weeks so busy was our decision to buy a house in GJ instead of rent, and then we immediately had to start looking. This is what we found:

Our (soon to be) house!

It's a fantastic 3 bed 2 1/2 bath home. The interior is in great shape, but the yard needs some serious TLC. Fortunately we like doing yard work anyway. It's in a good location, pretty close to where we'll both be working. We have it under contract now, and are praying that everything goes smoothly with inspections/appraisals and that we can close quickly. We know we'll have to stay at my parents for a few weeks at least, but it's important that we have as smooth of a transition as possible for Jess and his boards studying. We are starting to pack this week, and are moving down there on the 30th; hoping to close on the hosue the 3rd  week in June.

I stayed in GJ for a few extra days for house stuff, and got to celebrate not only Mother's Day with my mama, but also her birthday! It was so fun to be there to celebrate with my family, and we just can't wait until we're there all the time. We went out to Red Mango for her B-day:

THOROUGHLY enjoying our frozen yogurt.

My mom and I then left straight from GJ to go visit my grandmother in Billings, MT. After 90 years of richly blessing her family and friends, her health is starting to fail. Though it was difficult, it was also such a blessing to spend a few days with her. On Sunday we planted her flower garden for her. Flower gardening always has and always will remind me of my beautiful gramma and her passionate love for flowers. Here are a few pictures:

planting Gramma's garden

I TOLD you I've been busy!!!

I just got back home this evening, and will start packing up the house tomorrow. On Thursday, our new puppy arrives, and next Tuesday is moving day! This month has been SO hectic with all my trips back and forth to GJ, stress about the house, my trip to Billings, preparations for a new puppy, and all the usual moving craziness. 

But I've been reminded over and over again that through all the chaos God's plan for us will emerge. There are no accidents, no coincidences. 

This gorgeous bird was just one of those reminders this week. We were at the Billings zoo, this little fellow flashed us his feathers, and mom and I stood there in awe of God's creation. These feather's no more came in to being as an accident then we did; then Jude did. 

Mother's Day challenge

Mother's Day. Ufta.

It may not be recognized by those around us, but: We. Are. Mothers.

Even though last week when I was asked by a well-meaning stranger if I had any children I said no.

I said no and then went home feeling guilty that I had betrayed my baby.

I said no and went home and laid on the floor and cried. 

I cried because I don't HAVE my child.

My husband held me, and told me not to feel guilty. I still did a little bit.

Because I said no. I don't have any children.

But I DID. I had Jude. I had him. He is still my son, and I am still his mama.

So what do I do on Mother's Day in church when the mothers are asked to stand for recognition? 

(I can tell you what I'll do: skip church, and go hiking with my honey.)

What do I do on a day when the world is celebrating what I am,... but what I'm not yet blessed to live as?

I'm not even close to the only one in this predicament. I'm not even close to the only one who hurts on Mother's Day. What about the mama of one or two who had a recent miscarriage and wants that baby's life to be recognized this Mother's Day? What about the woman who has been trying for a baby for years, only to be thwarted by her own body? 

She would give anything to mother her child; to have a baby.

We would die for the opportunity to make the sacrifices that mothers are being honored for on Mother's Day.

I'm sure you can think of someone (other than me). Someone for whom, at the very least this Mother's Day is bittersweet. Here's my challenge to you: 

Reach out to them. Send a card. Take them to coffee. Give them flowers.

DON'T wish them a "Happy Mother's Day!" 

For many of us, "Happy Mother's Day" is a dream lost,... for now at least. It may be a dream we hold on to for the future, but it is not going to be realized this year.

Wish them peace this Mother's Day. Tell them you're thinking of them and their lost baby, or unfulfilled dreams. Tell them you're praying they'll have something to celebrate next Mother's Day. Recognize their pain and longing on this day that is simply joy for much of the world.

Think of a way you can bless a hurting mama or would-love-to-be-a-mama in the next week or two; and DO IT.

I posted this plenty early for you to ponder and pray about the most sensitive way to bless someone. 

So, please, help make this bitter day a little more sweet for someone who may be hurting.

My challenge to myself this Mother's Day is just as the verse on my wall says. 

I need to simply:

BE STILL AND KNOW

THAT HE IS GOD.

New and Improved!

Welcome to my new and improved blog! New domain, new design, and new features! It will FOREVER be a work in progress (that's kinda the point of a blog), but this is the most changes I've ever made at once. Thanks to Franchesca at Small Bird Studios for the design. I love it!

The about me section at the top is new, as are the blog links in the right column. I'm planning on putting more down there as I discover them. My button for sharing is also new. If you have a blog of your own, I'd love it if you'd share my button with your readers!

I have some fun plans and hopes for my blog in the coming months. I've had a number of people tell me in the last few months that I should right a book. Well, this is my response: Maybe someday, but for now I'm blogging! If you have any ideas or things you would like to see on my blog, or topics you'd like me to write about please share. I really want to share my experience with you, as well as what I've learned from it and how I've grown; so if you have questions, please ask.

Enjoy!

My indoor spring

Spring has sprung, and I don't have a spot for a real garden yet, so I'm growing new things inside! Hopefully I'll get a late garden in at our new house in Grand Junction, but this will have to hold me til then!

Here's what's growing at my house:

My begonia is blooming again. It must have peeked out the window, saw green grass instead of snow, and knew it was time to bloom! My mini rose (Valentines Day gift from my wonderful hubby) in the above pic is also budding out again.

Growing some Iris bulbs. Hopefully in a month or two I'll have some big beautiful blue blooms!

This one just made me smile: Libby dog. Not a plant, but, makes me happy. Like plants.

And here's my big experiment. Lily of the Valley! Ordered the pips online, and just planted them a week ago. I see some progress already, and should see it really start going this week. Hopefully blooms in about a month! Lily of the Valley means: Return to Joy. My dear SIL Heather, painted them on Jude's painting, and they have a really special meaning to me now. I'm hoping that I'll be able to transfer them into a little memorial garden for Jude at our new house. Hopefully this works!

Found the cute planters at Goodwill! :-)

A Heart of Forgiveness

Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you

The theme of the last few days for me has been various forms of bitterness vs. forgiveness.


First I found this blog written by another baby-loss mama. (A fantastic blog site, by the way, which I have spent countless hours this week exploring!) I related so strongly to what she had to say. The hurt that started it all was very different, but the product of deeply-rooted bitterness is the same.


Forgiveness is a topic I have always struggled with. One of the products of being an introvert my whole life is that I have fewer close friendships than many people, but the ones I do have I rely on heavily. I have generally followed a pattern of having 1 or 2 really close friends, that I trust deeply. Probably more than is healthy if I'm being honest. Inevitably one by one those people have hurt me. The pattern then is that I take a huge step back from the relationship and forever hold that person at arms length. I tell myself that this behavior is justifiable and wise as a self-protective mechanism. My thought is that if they betrayed my trust once, then it is only wise to avoid ever being vulnerable with them again. 


The problem with this seemingly rational thought process is that it is often hiding something much more sinister in my heart. Seeds of bitterness take root, and I tell myself I'm just being wise not to trust them when really I'm allowing myself to wallow in old unforgiven hurts. 


In recent years, I have struggled less with this pattern in friendships. I think it probably has something to do with being married, and so the relationship that I rely on most (other than my relationship with my Savior) is with Jess. We live and do everything together, so forgiveness is a necessity in both directions and he's never allowed me to harbor a seed of bitterness toward him. (Plus, he's really pretty fantastic, and rarely does things that require forgiveness anyway. I think he has to practice forgiveness in our relationship more frequently than I do.)


Anyway, between the previously mentioned blog post, and my quiet times and Bible study this week I have been deeply convicted about some unresolved bitterness that has been growing out of control in my heart. While time has allowed me to eventually move on from old hurts, in the process of losing Jude things were done and said to us that, honestly, still feel unforgivable. I know that there is no way I can move on from this hurt by my own strength. Fortunately, we aren't expected to. Praise God! 


I don't know if this hurt will ever be addressed face to face. It may never be apologized for. And I want to be okay with that. I'm not yet; but I think having the desire to forgive is a good first step. I want to be able to look the people that hurt me in the eye without bitterness or malice toward them in my heart. That is my prayer. 


And I know that if I continually make a decision to pull the weed of bitterness up by the roots when it begins to pop up in my heart that the Holy Spirit will plant forgiveness and healing in it's place.