Wow. What a month! I can't believe that tomorrow is actually two months since we lost Jude. Sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday, and sometimes it feels like it happened in a different lifetime altogether. Here's a quick update of the last month:
I went back to work at the end of January; and turned in my two weeks notice before the end of my first week back. I was planning on staying until later this spring, but decided that it just wasn't worth it. This job has never been a great fit for me, and especially after everything that has happened, it was a very dark place to be. Being surrounded all day every day by people that were not sensitive or caring about our situation was too hard. (I have to insert here, that not everyone I worked with was calloused towards me, a few were very kind. But there were enough that were clueless and insensitive that it overwhelmed the attempts kind ones.) Fortunately we are in a position with Jess' Air Force scholarship that we can afford for me to take a few months off. Thursday was my last day, and a dark cloud lifted when I walked out of my office for the last time.
One of the things that I've continued to struggle with, especially as I'm no longer working, is the issue of my identity. I know that as believers our primary identity should be found in Christ, and who we are as Christians. But there are so many other ways that we define ourselves. If you'd asked me 6 months ago how I define myself it would have included my identity in the Kingdom of God, but would also have included my other defining roles as a wife, mother-to-be, and a nurse. Those are the four ways I would have defined what makes me who I am. Now half that is gone. Ask me to define myself today, all I have is that I'm a follower of Christ, and a wife.
I have struggled with feeling like half a person. I KNOW in my head that this is a very warped, and worldy based view of my life; but it's how I often feel. I KNOW in my head that my identity as one that Christ died for is really all that I need to make me Jennifer Elizabeth Anderson. But after what I had a few months ago, I feel very small and insignificant. I feel like the role I'm playing in the world today has shrunk considerably. No-one likes to feel that their existance is un-important; or dare I say: purpose-less. And I know that mine is not, but I am in the process of being re-defined; my purpose has changed and I'm not sure yet what the new me is supposed to do. I'm trying to discover what my purpose is for the immediate future. I don't really know WHO I am right now, or who God wants to be. It's apparent that He does not want me to be a nurse (right now). He does not want to me be a mother (yet).
So I'm focusing on the roles that have been left to me. I am a wife. I am one loved by God. It still may sound small; but it's who I am. I still want to be more; and I know that one day I will be again. But today I am a wife and a Christ follower, and I pray for the strength to be the best of those that I can be.
