Thank you all so much for your prayers this week. The peace that we have felt through this painful time can be explained only by the presence of the Prince of Peace. It amazes us how much joy and calm we have experienced when we expected nothing but sorrow. There IS sorrow and pain at the loss of our sweet baby boy; but there is also joy in the knowledge that Jude is experiencing his first Christmas with the birthday boy Himself.
Jude came at 6:35am on December 21st. He was already with Jesus. He weighed in at just under a pound, 14.8 ounces, and was 12 inches tall. And though his tiny body was broken and twisted, clearly not made for this world, he was beautiful. The delivery went as smoothly as possible, and many of our fears were calmed when the placenta separated easily and delivered completely. We will get the pathology results back for the placenta in another week or so, to find out for certain whether or not the placenta was molar, but the Dr. was encouraged that it looked relatively healthy. Our doctor and the nurses that worked with us were fantastic; we could not have asked for better which was a HUGE blessing. As a nurse, it's very difficult to be on the other side of the medical experience and they made it as comfortable as possible.
We had most of that day to spend with Jude before the funeral home came for him. We prayed over him, read books to him, Dad dedicated him, grandparents all got to hold him, we had a photographer come, we got tons of tiny footprints, and we got to bundle him up in tiny clothes and a beautiful blanket his grandma made for him. It was a beautiful and heartbreaking time. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We are in Grand Junction now, enjoying time with my family. The waves of sadness certainly come, but the joy of being with family and Christmas are dominant. Several things we would appreciate prayer for are:
- Pray that I would have grace with myself during this time of physical healing. I have a tendency to want to push myself too hard.
- My milk is just starting to come in. I'm using all the tricks of the trade to help, but it is going to be very painful for a while. Please pray that this would be manageable and not emotionally overwhelming.
- Pray for emotional strength and healing for both Jess and I.
- Please pray that we would not be overwhelmed by fear about what the future may hold for my job and for our family.
- Give thanks for the promises of hope that we have received throughout this week.
- Give thanks for the massive support that we have received from family, friends, church body, and even hospital staff.
- Give thanks that the delivery went smoothly.
- Give thanks for the peace that we have felt and the knowledge that Jude is with Jesus.
I have one hopeful thought to share before I sign off: Jude was born as the sun was beginning to rise on the day before the winter solstice (when the light begins to increase each day). I feel like God orchestrated this timing as a promise of hope for our future. The light is coming back into our lives. There is hope for our future. God will use this experience and Jude's life to bring light into other people's lives. As much as we are heartbroken right now, we are also filled with hope.
Thank you all for your faithful prayers. Hope you have a wonderful Christmas.
Thanks you Father for the gift of your beautiful son. Help us all to appreciate the enormity of the sacrifice that you made in sending Him down to this broken world. Thank you for the hope of new life that Christmas brings.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Hard decisions
Hi all,
It's time for another update I suppose. Life just keeps plodding on,... and we along with it. Things ARE getting easier I think. It still depends on the day, and I think that will be true for many months to come. But there are "ok" days along with the really hard ones,... and the "ok" days are becoming more common. There are still things that hit us really hard occasionally, but we're learning to cope with the requirements of life.
Jess has been doing well keeping up with school. When we think about everything that has presented a challenge for him this year, we realize that it's truly the grace of God, and the power of prayer that has enabled him to keep up with his studies as well as he has. It's a huge blessing that in the midst of our current difficulties, we don't also need to worry about med school; God seems to be taking care of that. Work for me has been more difficult, but a HUGE answer to prayer is that my boss has been very gracious and is allowing me to dip into my FMLA leave and work part time for a while. I'm hoping to get my hours back up in the next few weeks (I'm starting to get stressed about falling behind with clients), but if there are days I just can't go, I now have the freedom to do that. Another blessing that we are attributing to the power of prayer and a mighty God.
The biggest challange we are now facing is making the medical decisions that need to be made. My greatest wish right now is that Jesus would return today. I must admit that I've always enjoyed life in this world enough that the next was rarely on my mind. Now I realize just how broken this world is and Jess and I find ourselves longing for Jesus' return. How amazing would it be if we were all able to leave this place and enter the pearly gates together? All three of us, while our family unit is still whole?
Since we realize that the chance of this is slim, we are trying our best to prepare for these medical decisions. The issue is incredibly complex, and I know that no matter what our ultmate decision is there are people who will disagree with it. I want to share with you some of the basic things we are facing, and what we are feeling about it. If you have more questions feel free to contact us, but with questions only please. One thing we certainly can NOT handle right now is alot of people coming to us with their own opinions about our situation. Trust me, we are seeking wisdom and Godly counsel from many people that we respect and trust. If we want your opinion, we will come to you and ask for it. We continue to crave your prayers and messages of support and encouragement.
The boiled down medical picture is this: without God's miraculous intervention on a very grand scale, there is not hope for Jude to have a life on this earth. His specific anomalies are not compatible with life. While some babies with triploidy have been known to live for a few months, that is not a possibility for Jude. He will be born still, or die within his first breath. The risks for me as I continue to carry Jude are significant and potentially life threatening. Triploidy pregnancies are associated with something called partial molar pregnancies, which can in turn cause a cancer called Choriocarcinoma. As I continue to carry Jude, the risk of cancer grows. There is no way to test for a molar pregnancy until after birth, but the chances look high for me according to the appearance of the placenta. We have no statistics or percentages to guide us. Our situation is too unusual. We only know that there are high associations. Another big concern is the chance of requiring a C-section to deliver Jude if he continues to grow. Right now he is only about half the size of a healthy 24 weeker, and is growing very slowly, but there is no way to predict his growth in the coming weeks and months. If he doubles his current size then it is unlikely that I'll be able to deliver him naturally because he will not be able to come into a position conducive to birth. And because he is so small and deep in the pelvic cavity, they would have to do a type of C-section that carries much higher risks than the normal procedure. It would likely remove our chances to have children in the future. These are the two primary risks that we are facing, but I'm hypothetically also at higher risks for any other complications that normal pregnancies can face. That may seem like alot of info, but believe me when I tell you that this is the simple version of the story.
We are facing the decision of weighing the risks, and deciding whether or not we will induce Jude early in order to minimize the risks to myself and future children. We are not facing the decision between two viable lives. If there was any glimmer of hope that Jude would live, even for a few hours, days, or weeks, our decision would be to give him that chance and take the risk. However we are faced with a more diffcult decision. We know that Jude will go to Jesus in March at the very latest. We must decide if we have the freedom to allow him to go to Jesus sooner than that.
At this point, many of the most wise and Biblically knowledgable people that we know have counseled us that there is no right or wrong decision in this situation. And though there are times that we wish there was a passage in the Bible that said: "if you have a baby with a fatal diagnosis and it puts the mother's life at great risk....... then you should:________." We know that the God we serve does not work that way. He gave us the Holy Spirit for just these kinds of situations. We have not made our decision yet. We are hoping for more information at a doctors appointment on Tuesday, and have another ultrasound scheduled for just after Christmas to see how much Jude is growing. We are seeking God's will for Jude and our family. We are hurting and we are scared, but we want to be in God's will even if that means saying goodbye to Jude sooner rather than later, or even if that means trusting Him to pretect my life for the next 3 months.
Please continue to pray. Pray for protection from the attacks of the devil during this vulnerable time. I am struggling with alot of guilt (I recognize that there is potential for great guilt in the future no matter what our decision is. Either guilt for Jude, or guilt for the other children we might have had), and I know that it is not from God. Pray that we would continue to just seek God's will and not allow ourselves to become paralized by fear and pain. Pray that the doctors and the people we seek spiritual counsel from would have supernatural wisdom to share with us. Pray that God would either reveal His will to us, or give us peace with the freedom to make a decision.
Honestly, our greatest prayer right now is that this decision would be taken from us. We are praying that God would take him home to Heaven where he will have a whole body and an eternal life full of love and joy. We will meet him up there someday, and what a reunion that will be! I will long for that day for the rest of my life.
Thank you all for your faithfulness in praying for our little family. We appreciate it more than we could ever say.
It's time for another update I suppose. Life just keeps plodding on,... and we along with it. Things ARE getting easier I think. It still depends on the day, and I think that will be true for many months to come. But there are "ok" days along with the really hard ones,... and the "ok" days are becoming more common. There are still things that hit us really hard occasionally, but we're learning to cope with the requirements of life.
Jess has been doing well keeping up with school. When we think about everything that has presented a challenge for him this year, we realize that it's truly the grace of God, and the power of prayer that has enabled him to keep up with his studies as well as he has. It's a huge blessing that in the midst of our current difficulties, we don't also need to worry about med school; God seems to be taking care of that. Work for me has been more difficult, but a HUGE answer to prayer is that my boss has been very gracious and is allowing me to dip into my FMLA leave and work part time for a while. I'm hoping to get my hours back up in the next few weeks (I'm starting to get stressed about falling behind with clients), but if there are days I just can't go, I now have the freedom to do that. Another blessing that we are attributing to the power of prayer and a mighty God.
The biggest challange we are now facing is making the medical decisions that need to be made. My greatest wish right now is that Jesus would return today. I must admit that I've always enjoyed life in this world enough that the next was rarely on my mind. Now I realize just how broken this world is and Jess and I find ourselves longing for Jesus' return. How amazing would it be if we were all able to leave this place and enter the pearly gates together? All three of us, while our family unit is still whole?
Since we realize that the chance of this is slim, we are trying our best to prepare for these medical decisions. The issue is incredibly complex, and I know that no matter what our ultmate decision is there are people who will disagree with it. I want to share with you some of the basic things we are facing, and what we are feeling about it. If you have more questions feel free to contact us, but with questions only please. One thing we certainly can NOT handle right now is alot of people coming to us with their own opinions about our situation. Trust me, we are seeking wisdom and Godly counsel from many people that we respect and trust. If we want your opinion, we will come to you and ask for it. We continue to crave your prayers and messages of support and encouragement.
The boiled down medical picture is this: without God's miraculous intervention on a very grand scale, there is not hope for Jude to have a life on this earth. His specific anomalies are not compatible with life. While some babies with triploidy have been known to live for a few months, that is not a possibility for Jude. He will be born still, or die within his first breath. The risks for me as I continue to carry Jude are significant and potentially life threatening. Triploidy pregnancies are associated with something called partial molar pregnancies, which can in turn cause a cancer called Choriocarcinoma. As I continue to carry Jude, the risk of cancer grows. There is no way to test for a molar pregnancy until after birth, but the chances look high for me according to the appearance of the placenta. We have no statistics or percentages to guide us. Our situation is too unusual. We only know that there are high associations. Another big concern is the chance of requiring a C-section to deliver Jude if he continues to grow. Right now he is only about half the size of a healthy 24 weeker, and is growing very slowly, but there is no way to predict his growth in the coming weeks and months. If he doubles his current size then it is unlikely that I'll be able to deliver him naturally because he will not be able to come into a position conducive to birth. And because he is so small and deep in the pelvic cavity, they would have to do a type of C-section that carries much higher risks than the normal procedure. It would likely remove our chances to have children in the future. These are the two primary risks that we are facing, but I'm hypothetically also at higher risks for any other complications that normal pregnancies can face. That may seem like alot of info, but believe me when I tell you that this is the simple version of the story.
We are facing the decision of weighing the risks, and deciding whether or not we will induce Jude early in order to minimize the risks to myself and future children. We are not facing the decision between two viable lives. If there was any glimmer of hope that Jude would live, even for a few hours, days, or weeks, our decision would be to give him that chance and take the risk. However we are faced with a more diffcult decision. We know that Jude will go to Jesus in March at the very latest. We must decide if we have the freedom to allow him to go to Jesus sooner than that.
At this point, many of the most wise and Biblically knowledgable people that we know have counseled us that there is no right or wrong decision in this situation. And though there are times that we wish there was a passage in the Bible that said: "if you have a baby with a fatal diagnosis and it puts the mother's life at great risk....... then you should:________." We know that the God we serve does not work that way. He gave us the Holy Spirit for just these kinds of situations. We have not made our decision yet. We are hoping for more information at a doctors appointment on Tuesday, and have another ultrasound scheduled for just after Christmas to see how much Jude is growing. We are seeking God's will for Jude and our family. We are hurting and we are scared, but we want to be in God's will even if that means saying goodbye to Jude sooner rather than later, or even if that means trusting Him to pretect my life for the next 3 months.
Please continue to pray. Pray for protection from the attacks of the devil during this vulnerable time. I am struggling with alot of guilt (I recognize that there is potential for great guilt in the future no matter what our decision is. Either guilt for Jude, or guilt for the other children we might have had), and I know that it is not from God. Pray that we would continue to just seek God's will and not allow ourselves to become paralized by fear and pain. Pray that the doctors and the people we seek spiritual counsel from would have supernatural wisdom to share with us. Pray that God would either reveal His will to us, or give us peace with the freedom to make a decision.
Honestly, our greatest prayer right now is that this decision would be taken from us. We are praying that God would take him home to Heaven where he will have a whole body and an eternal life full of love and joy. We will meet him up there someday, and what a reunion that will be! I will long for that day for the rest of my life.
Thank you all for your faithfulness in praying for our little family. We appreciate it more than we could ever say.
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