And the years roll on....

My page has been inaccessible for quite a while, and since I finally sat to fix it I thought I'd post a short update. My hope is that it brings hope and peace for anyone who may still stumble across this blog in the early days of loss.

I sit here typing as quickly as I can because I currently have my one year old ticking-time-bomb on my lap trying to "help." He is a most "helpful" child. And a pure joy. But most definitely the busiest of our tribe so far.

God's grace is SO good to us. We now live in San Antonio, TX where Jess is a Pulmonary and Critical Care physician in the Air Force. This spring he finished his 6th year of post doc training (Hallelujah!) just in time to staff the COVID ICU during the current pandemic. Peter is 7 and in second grade; Hannah is 5 in kinder, and Isaac is our baby at 18 months.

Jude would be 8 (almost 9) and in 3rd grade. It blows my mind. Some days picture him in the middle of our daily bustle and fray. Our dining table has 6 chairs; and ever since Isaac moved from his highchair to a booster at the table with us the table has been *almost* full. I often look around as we're talking over dinner and think that our extra chair should be Jude's. We still remember him and celebrate him in small ways. We have pictures of him up around the house; we celebrate his birthday; we hang his stocking, and our kids all talk about their "baby Jude." His life continues to be one of the defining experiences of our family.

There are two things I want to say here:

1) For parents who are fresh in the pain of loss: your little one's life had meaning. You will have opportunities to continue to share their life with others. There is hope in that. The pain will soften; the memories will be less in focus; but the maturity and wisdom that you gain in the midst of grief can be used to God's glory. There is great redemption in that.

2) For the parents who are farther out: Time heals, and life continues to propel you forward. The really painful days come farther and farther apart. You find yourself thinking less often of the little one you lost. That is ok too. Life carries you on. You aren't "moving on" but you do continue moving forward. And that is good. I struggled with guilt off and on for years feeling like I wasn't living in my grief enough. Guilt often follows grief; don't let it eat you up. Life your life in joy knowing that your little one is waiting for you.

Ok, I gotta run. The big kid's screen time is up and the baby's in the dog water. Life is so FULL. I never imagined life would ever be this rich when we were fresh in our loss. But is is. SO rich. SO full. SO blessed. SO exhausting. Haha! Wish me luck.

5 years

Hello dear ones! It has been 2 years since my last post. Honestly, I had mostly forgotten about my blog in the busyness of this phase of life. But I have recently had several new acquaintances mention that they had stumbled across this blog and that it had left them impacted and encouraged in some way. That touches my heart much more than I am able to express. To know that even 5 years later, Jude's life is still reaching out and touching people blesses this mama's heart.

Yes. 5 years. It struck me last night, that as Jess and I approach our 10th wedding anniversary we have spent half of our married lives missing Jude. I don't know why that seems so substantial, but it does. As his birthday creeps closer each year I still feel a certain melancholy mixed in with the joy of the Christmas season. While the sorrow is not overwhelming as it was those first few years, in some ways it is harder to balance now, with small kids at home, and so many other expectations. I give myself less grace to feel sad, or at least to show it, because I see how my emotions effects my family. I think there will always be certain challenges in this balancing act of honoring and remembering Jude, while joyfully fulfilling the responsibility of raising our other children. And what a privilege it is to be their mama!

God has been good to us through these taxing years of Jess' residency. We were blessed with our daughter Hannah Lyn in August of 2015. It was a difficult pregnancy with many ER visits and emergency surgery, but God protected both of us, and blessed us with skilled physicians that kept us both healthy.

She and Peter are SO different, but they have tons of fun together. I am incredibly blessed in how well they get along and play together. Peter is now 3, almost 4 and in preschool in the mornings. He is playful, sweet, and easy-going. His favorite things include trains, reading books, and playing outside. Oh, and cardboard boxes. This kid loves him a good cardboard box. We joke that next Christmas we're not going to bother with gifts for the kids. We'll just buy ourselves something big that will come in a huge box, and give the kid's the packaging. :-)

Hannah's 16 months now. She is the most stubborn little thing you ever met. She decided early on that she didn't want to learn to walk, and instead cruises around everywhere on her knees. She won't leave headbands on, and is our little thrill seeker. She's going go be a handful, but she laughs at every antic her brother pulls, and is such a daddy's girl. When Jess gets home in the evening she starts shrieking "DADDY DADDY DADDY!!!!!!" And doesn't stop until he's picked her up for kisses and tickles.

Jess is nearing the finish line for his residency, and we just found out last week that he was accepted into the Air Force Pulmonary Critical Care fellowship in San Antonio to start in July. We'll be moving in June. 3 more years of training, but then he will be done for good. We will owe the Air Force about 5 years after that and would love to go overseas. We will just have to see what the Lord has for us when the time comes. Then when we're ready to really settle somewhere we hope to head back home to Colorado. The mountains will always have a strong pull on us.

My days are full of caring for the kids and our home. I have never considered myself to be the homemaker type, but this is clearly what is best for our kids through these years of Jess working such long hours. I miss my work as a nurse, and plan to go back once our life offers more stability in other areas. I certainly keep busy enough with the kids, dogs, and running. Jess and I ran a half marathon earlier this month, and I'm doing another with friends next month. Never thought I'd be a "runner" but it has been really good for my health both physically and mentally.

That about sums up what we've been up to the last couple of years. This afternoon we plan on going to the beach and doing a balloon release for Jude's birthday as we do every year. Peter is starting to  ask a lot of questions about his brother. I love the little conversations we have about Heaven and Jude. My heart is tender today, and I miss my little man, but I feel immensely grateful for these two I spend my days with. My prayer is that Jess and I would be granted the wisdom necessary to raise them to love the Lord, and that our entire family will be together someday at the feet of Jesus.

Lonely fall

Autumn has always been my favorite season. I LOVE crunchy leaves, pumpkin lattes, scarfs, and curling up with a good book or show under a soft blanket.

It still is my favorite in theory, but now it all comes covered in a thick layer of melancholy. I sometimes wonder if it will always be such a bittersweet season for me. This the 4th fall that has been different. Each year has gotten a bit easier, but I still have occasional and unexpected flashes of memory that are so sharp they take my breath away.

I can perfectly picture the shoes I was wearing to my 20 week ultrasound crunching through leaves in the parking lot as we left the hospital in a haze of fear and uncertainty.

Preparing my Thanksgiving menu, brings back moments of that Thanksgiving. We were with Jess' family, and I tried SO hard not to cry that day.

Babysitting a friend's toddler and watching the boys play together momentarily takes my breath away as I feel so keenly that there's really ALWAYS supposed to be two boys tearing through the house giggling.

I'm always aware of Jude's absence and always miss him; but this time of year it just hurts more. And this year specifically it's a lonely hurt. We've moved again, and while several of my friends here know about Jude, none of them really KNOW about Jude. We're becoming more and more removed from the family and friends that walking through the pain of loss with us. No one here knew us before. No one knew us during. It sometimes feels that no one here really knows us at all,... because they don't know how the last few years have changed us.

And while Jess is doing fabulously in his residency, it keeps him very busy. Peter and I are alone most of the time. Jess and I barely have time to communicate about the absolute necessities, much less to talk about how we're really feeling, or reminisce about what it would be like to have an almost 3 year old in the house. I know he's thinking about it too, there just isn't any time.

It just feels particularly lonely this year. 

The Real Life of a DR's wife

Hello! As promised, here is the link to my new blog. Please come over to check it out and let me know what you think. Enjoy!

The REAL life of a doctor's wife


Or you can click on the button at the top right of the page! (I'm SOOOOO proud that I figured that out on my own!)

Also, if you blog please grab either or both of my buttons for your page. Thanks!

Life Phases and Sister Blog

Life is funny, ya know? Circumstances shape certain phases of life so intensely that in the moment you can't fathom that life will ever revolve around anything but what you are currently experiencing. Losing Jude was probably the most intense experience that has ever consumed my being. And there was a time when I truly believed that it would ALWAYS consume me. That phase of my life shaped me into who I am today, but it no longer consumes me.

In a way it feels like a confession. To say that losing Jude is not longer the primary lens through which I experience life. But it's true. And I won't let myself feel guilty for that.

This is certainly not to say that I don't grieve for him. I do. Every. Single. Day. But it's not the sucker-punch grief that takes your breath away and leaves you wondering how you will get out of bed and face the world.

It's a much more subtle grief. His absence is certainly felt; but we have learned to live with that absence. It is simply a part of our lives, and we have learned to embrace and find joy in remembering Jude. There will always be hard days like his birthday, and holidays (especially Christmas because it's so close to his birthday) will always be bittersweet. I will always have the desire and need to recognize that I don't only have 1 child. That no, Peter is not our first. I will ALWAYS hesitate to answer when people ask those questions.

These are the experiences of child loss that never go away. But the pain has waned significantly.

And while I will always identify strongly with the infant loss community, I feel my ability to relate to the intensity of that experience also waning.

So, my point:

I have wrestled about what to do with this blog. I feel as though I want it to stay up as a resource for women going through the immediacy of losing a child. Especially for people that get a Triploidy diagnosis as we are (Thank God) few and far between. I started this blog with the prayer that God would use it to touch and encourage women who may be going through similar situations and decisions that we did with Jude. And it has.

But as I'm sure any followers have noticed, my blogging has slowly become less and less frequent. My life has become so full of other things and I feel like I have fewer words to share with the audience I created this blog for.

All this to say that I'm starting a sister blog. I'll link the two together as soon as I figure out how. This new blog will be about life now. A life that includes infant loss, but is also about all the other parts of life as I see it. Being a Christ follower, being a mother to children both in Heaven and in my arms, being a nurse, being a doctor's wife, being a military wife, etc.

Thanks for reading.

You are what has made this blog worth writing the last few years. You have helped with my grieving and healing process. Thanks, and God bless.

Painfully beautiful

There are these moments....

His head resting on my chest in the middle of the night, as his breathing calms.

His proud smile as he turns to make sure I'm watching him climb the stairs for the first time.

His excited giggle and frantic "milk" sign as I settle in to nurse him before bed.

His intense concentration as he chases a bubble through the air with his chubby fingers.

The moments that make you catch your breath in wonder at the complete abandon with which this tiny person lives and loves. The moments that very nearly bring tears to your eyes with the recurring realization of just how precious a thing you've been entrusted.

I know all moms have them, not just those of us who have experienced loss. But in every one of those painfully beautiful moments with Peter I also have Jude on my mind. I feel this insistent need to not only treasure these moments, but to also store away some of that joy for Jude. Each new thing that Peter learns or experiences is something that Jude never did, and I feel that acutely. As I laugh with family while Peter enjoys his first birthday cake, I feel the need to treasure that moment for Jude as well. As I teach Peter how to color with crayons or turn the pages of his books it hurts me that I never did these things with Jude.

I've long since accepted Jude's absence, and come to peace with the fact that I will never have the opportunity to mother him in this life. It is still not always easy, but there is great hope in knowing we WILL meet again. I often wonder what our relationship will be like in Heaven though.

Jess and I had a conversation the other day about what our Heavenly bodies would be like. And as any conversation about Heaven does with us, it turned to Jude. Will he have the body of a child? Will we have the chance there to watch him grow and learn? Will we finally have opportunities to capture these painfully beautiful moments with our Jude dude? I don't have any answers to these questions. All I know is that if the answers are "no," it will only be because the reality is so much more incredible than we can fathom.

In the mean time, I plan on reveling in these moments with Peter. He is growing and changing so incredibly fast. Goodness. I love these boys more than I ever knew was possible.

P.S. Can you tell it's springtime in the valley? :-) We're enjoying our beautiful mountain state as much as we can before heading down south!

Ready for change

What a wild few weeks it has been! In mid-December Jess matched into a residency program in Biloxi, MS where we'll be heading in May. On the 21st we honored what would have been Jude's 2nd birthday. Then: Christmas with all of my gigantic family in town, Peter got sick and Jess' mom flew into town, and then a new nephew was added to the family, then we celebrated our anniversary/New Years Eve, then Jess' mom left, and NOW I'm sick. Gee,... I wonder why.... woot. I'm exhausted.

It's been a month of many blessings; but something has become very clear to me in the last month or two. As much as I have LOVED living close to family, and as much as I'm going to miss them desperately when we move 1500 away; I'm so ready for the next phase. Living here has been awesome, and it has been hard. It has been completely lacking the medical community support system that we got used to in Parker. My family has filled in many of the gaps left, but it's still not the same as having support from dear friends that are walking the same road.

I sometimes hesitate to put things bluntly on my blog for fear of hurting feelings, but I'm just going to say it:

Our time in Grand Junction has been very lonely and we are ready to move on.

We dearly love our friends here and know that they love us. But we have found that even when people love you, if they don't understand the path your life taking, they simply don't have the means to offer the support that you need. And I think once they realize that, many people just stop trying. Our lives are on a beautiful but unique and often difficult path. Between having a child in Heaven, and the whole medical school process I think we are becoming harder for many of our friends to relate to.

Jess copes with it quite well as, even though he's the extrovert, he stays busy with school and rotations. I on the other hand, have had a hard time coping with the adjustment of being a (mostly) stay-at-home mom while simultaneously realizing that I'm being left out of more and more of my friends get togethers and activities. I place no blame,... it is simply the product of being an awkward introvert and not having much in common with my friends here beyond our children and church. But it is still hard. And it makes me ready to move on to the next phase of our lives,....

Even if that phase is a crazy busy residency in Biloxi Mississippi!

There will be opportunities for relationships with women who understand the process that we are undertaking. I won't have to explain the difference between rotations and residency over and over again. I won't have to describe the decisions we're facing about civilian vs. military fellowship. I won't have to explain what Internal Medicine and Pulmonary Critical Care (the specialty that Jess is pursuing) are. I won't have to verbalize the worries in the back of my mind over the likelihood that he'll be deployed multiple times in the coming years or that we will have to fight tooth and nail to keep our marriage strong when he's at the hospital 24/7.

There will be women there that get it.

And though it means moving so far from family and the mountains that we love, I know that God has great things in store for us there.

And here's my sweet boy, just to make you smile:

Can't believe he's 10 months already!!!

2 years

A Couple of weeks ago was Jude's 2nd birthday. I found again this year that the days leading up to his birthday were actually harder then the day itself. I'm not sure why that is. The day before is the worst though. I spend the whole day thinking back on what I was doing that day 2 years ago. Remembering the day of being in labor and anticipating his birth/death is worse somehow then remembering the actual day. And we do things to make the actual day special; which helps.

We did a balloon release again this year. We let Peter keep one of them to take home. That kid LOVES balloons. It was odd trying to make the day about Jude, with Peter in tow; and I imagine that will only become more challenging as the years go by. We got another angel ornament for Jude as well. I imagine that when Jess and I are old, we will have a Christmas tree heavy with Jude's angels. It will be lovely. For now there are just two. It is enough.

A few people remembered,... but mostly family. I wasn't expecting hordes to think of him on what should have been his special day,... but it still hurts my mama's heart that his day slipped by catching the notice of so few. The messages that I did get I cherish. It's one of those telling things about the state of a relationship. Some people we haven't seen in years,... and still they remembered. 

Overall it was a peaceful day. That's what I was praying for, and my biggest hope for his birthday each year. 

thanks

2 years ago today I was getting an amniocentesis to find out what the future held for our family. I was preparing for the worst, and indeed, 2 days later we found out it was the worst. Triploidy, and a suspected molar pregnancy. My baby's body was failing him. And it was happening rapidly. We had huge decisions to make, and were forced to make them while experiencing crippling grief.

But while his little life was slowly snuffing out, the body of Christ had never been SO alive to us. We received an outpouring of love and support from our church family and friends that to this day humbles me and fills me with more thankfulness then I can express. Our fridge and freezer overflowed with meals for months. Our counters were covered in cards filled with hand-written verses and prayers. We received love, and even financial gifts from old friends all over the country. People we hadn't been in touch with for years sent their love and prayers.

At the time I was grateful, but was so emotionally drained, that as the tokens of support poured in  and we ran out of space on our windowsill, then our counter, I simply started putting them in a shoe box. I still have every single card, letter, note, and 3x5 verse card that was given to us. Jess and I were recently going through some of Jude's things, and I read through some of those cards packed haphazardly in that little cardboard box. It hit me that when the people of God act in the Spirit as one body toward a single purpose; it can calm any storm, and no heart is outside of it's reach. Even the broken heart of a grieving mama.

All that to say: Thank you. From the bottom of my heart to all the friends and family that gathered around us and carried us through that difficult season: Thank you.

No words

Hi friends. I'm writing today to ask for your prayers for a dear friend of mine. On Friday night they lost their 3rd baby. It was their second full-term unexpected stillbirth. There are no words for the pain that they are feeling. Everyone is still just in shock that this could happen to them again. And I know that if I am struggling with the questions of how, and why God? Then I can't imagine what they are struggling with today.

Please keep them in your prayers. The parent's names are Lelia and Wayne. The baby's name was Kamani, and he already had 2 older brothers in Heaven.

My prayer for them:
Father I come before you this morning to continue to lift up Lelia, Wayne and their family to you. I hurt for them, and am struggling to understand how you could let this happen to them again. I'm struggling to understand why this baby is not in his dear mama's arms, and how one family can be expected to endure so much pain over and over again.

I just pray that you comfort them. I pray that your presence would fill their home like never before. I ask Father that through all the hurt, anger, and questions, they would turn to you. That they would draw into you for the answers and not pull away. I ask that you fill their spirits with the peace that is beyond understanding. That though they are in the throws of grief and despair that they would have a knowledge that you love them more then they can imagine and that you are hurting with them.

Father build up community around them. I ask that you give their family and friends the words to speak that will be a balm to their hurting souls. Help Lelia and Wayne be able to communicate clearly what they need from their support system, and help them feel the love of those around them. Help them to understand that they don't need to walk this painful road alone. Give them the courage Father to ask for help when they need it.

I pray God that as they are just returning home you would grant them the capacity to deal with all the the baby things in their home. I pray you give them the wisdom to know what will be the most healing way to manage the nursery.

As well as emotional, and spiritual healing Father I pray for physical healing for Lelia as she recovers from a C-Section as well as all the physical discomfort of dealing with a post-baby body when there is no baby. I pray that she would heal quickly. That her pain meds would be effective. And that her milk would dry up quickly with minimal discomfort.

Father I know that you can redeem all things. Even things so painful that they seem beyond redemption. We know that you see a picture far bigger than anything we can imagine. God we ask that Lelia and Wayne are able to see that big picture someday. That they are able to understand how these losses were used for the Kingdom, and understand that all of their pain and anguish was not meaningless.

Father you know much better than I do exactly what Lelia and Wayne are feeling at this moment. You know exactly what they need right now, and I ask in your mercy that you grant them that. In Jesus name I pray,
Amen

October 15th

October 15th is Pregnancy/Infant loss awareness day.

This is a day set aside to recognize babies that the world doesn't. Did you know that according to my medical records, and SS I only have one child? We have no records of Jude's life. No birth certificate. Not even a death certificate. Because to the world, he was never alive. Because he never lived outside my womb.

But he lived. And his life and death made in impact on the world.

A guest missionary speaker at my church made a statement recently that will stick with me. He was speaking of missionary martyrdom, and serving God in potentially dangerous situations. He said this:

"As long as my life brings more glory to God than my death; I will live. But the moment my death brings more glory to God than my life; He will take me home." -Jeff Singfiel

Though the context he was referring to was very different, isn't it true for us all? Dusting off the catechism that I learned as a child: "The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever." (My mama will be proud to know that I still remember that! Homeschooling done right!)

Jude's purpose was the same as yours and mine. The difference is that somehow, for reasons I may never know this side of Heaven, Jude had more potential for God's glorification in his death. This thought is so convicting to me. It leaves me with the charge to share Jude's story with as many as I can! For God's Glory! It also leaves me with a lot of hope. Knowing that his life and death were not in vain. Though God's plan for Jude on earth was very short; I know that it was purposeful.

As was the life and death of every baby that is taken sooner than we would like. So even though to the world Jude never lived; I know better. Because I have seen God work in lives and move hearts through Jude's story. I have seen God glorified as a result of Jude's "nonexistance."

So, if you are another parent of a tiny one in Heaven, my prayer is that these thoughts encourage you to share the life of your little one with those around you today. Glorify God through your babies. And if you are a friend/family member of someone with a baby in Heaven, share with them today how that baby's life or death has impacted you or has drawn you closer to the Savior in some way.

2 Corinthians 4:7-18

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Fall is for Jude

As I sit down to write, I have that song in my head that goes: "time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future..." (By Steve Miller Band. I know nothing about this band, other than having heard this song so I can neither endorse or condemn their music or lifestyles.)

This is what is happening to me! I just can't believe how quickly these days, weeks and months are passing. Jess has been gone 4 of the last 9 months for school which is part of it. Single mom mode leaves little margin in life for anything but giant bowls of ice cream and a quick episode of either Dr. Who, Duck Dynasty, or whatever cooking competition show is currently running before I fall into bed each night. (My true nerd-dom is revealed.) But he's done with his away rotations and residency auditions now. Yay! They all went super, and he creamed his boards exams. Come to find out I married not only a Godly, handsome, natural-born leader, but he's also pretty stinkin' smart to boot. :-) I'm just glad to have him home for more than a few weeks at a time.

All that to say, I have a little margin in my life again! I've completed several craft projects, cleaned out a couple of closets, and cooked a few REAL meals in the last week. That's some serious progress! Whether Jess is home or not though, my life is so blessed. I have only been working about 1 day a week and leaves 6 days to spend with this handsome little devil:

Though he can be a handful, he fills our lives with more joy and laughter than we ever thought possible for us again. 2 years ago, we had no idea what was in store for us. I've found myself thinking of that time a lot the last few weeks. October 22, 2011 at 18 weeks pregnant, we found out we were having our first boy! Our Jude dude. Oh the excitement and joy! Oh the naivety. This date was quickly followed by a cascade of other dates and events that I will never forget. The last of which being December 21. The day we said hello and goodbye to Jude.

Even as I'm spending my days reveling in every one of Peter's abundant giggles, I find myself wondering how many of those smiles would be for Jude if he were here. Fall seems to belong to Jude. Though he always comes to mind frequently, it seems to be more tangible and more painful in the fall.

Fall makes it feel fresh again. I miss him so, so much.

It would mean grimy toddler fingerprints on ever window and surface in the house. It would mean more midnight wake-up calls. It would mean sick days, and cleaning up vomit. It would mean twice the diapers to change. It would mean toys strewn over the entire house. It would mean even less margin.

It would mean twice the love, snuggles, bedtime prayers, Raffi music, giggles, candid photos, food dropped to happy dogs, bathtime splashes, books half-read,...

And while I am SO grateful to have all of the beautiful moments with Peter. Nothing will ever change my desire to share them with Jude as well.

Visiting Jess in San Francisco

Hitchin' a ride on his daddy's back

playin in the yard with dad

fall in the San Juan's

He does love his puppy!

Super-less

Two months! It's been two months since my last blog. That's the longest I've gone without writing in a couple of years. It kind of bums me out, but I'm learning to give myself grace in a lot of areas; and blogging has been one of them. I love to write when I feel as though I have something worthwhile to write about and have the time to do so without sacrificing time with my family. But I don't want to write simply out of a sense of duty. If I do then my content will quickly become rubbish. So, I won't ask forgiveness for my long absences. :-)

One reason for my lack of inspiration is due to Jess being gone for a month to audition at a residency in Mississippi. While there were a number of times the thought of blogging crossed my mind, my priority for any free time was taking either a shower or a nap. Peter and I survived and Jess did really well in Mississippi. We're enjoying his month home now, and storing away blessed family moments for September when he'll be gone again.

I've been learning a lot over the last few months. It's a time of giving myself grace; but learning where grace crosses the line into excuses. I am not supermom or superwife. I am becoming OK with not being any form of super____. But, I'm trying to figure out the balance between trying to be the best mother and wife that I can, without having unreasonable expectations of myself. And on the other end when I realize I'm hopelessly super-less, not allowing my inability to attain perfection to transform me into an apathetic puddle of pity party.

It's slow progress, and I think it will be a work in progress for the rest of my life as different stages come and go. I'm learning to sometimes block out the dirty dishes on the counter, and the piles of laundry in order to play with Peter a while longer. Alternately,I'm learning that I can't let myself feel guilty if I didn't read to him that day, or he went an extra day without getting a bath.

It is a difficult but beautiful process, and though it can be exhausting, I feel so blessed to be living this life. Peter is amazing. He's 5 months old now, weighs about 20 lbs, and is almost outgrowing some of his 12 month clothes. He has two teeth, can sit up on his own, and is starting to eat a few solid foods. The developmental phases are flying by so quickly I can hardly keep track!

It's about bedtime now, so I'll be farewell for now. Hopefully it won't be 2 more months until next time,.... but it might. And if it does I'm not going to apologize. Living this breathtaking life is more important than writing about it. :-)

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magnificent provision

I am struck this morning with the absolute magnitude of how richly I am blessed.

This does not mean that life has been or always will be easy. It does not mean that life is simple, or that we may not have times of further difficulty and heartbreak in the future.

It does mean that through anything we may encounter in this broken world, God has and will continue to provide us with what we need. And more than that,... He will provide abundantly!

I kissed my husband goodbye this morning on his way to the ICU rotation he just started. He is LOVING it. He really thinks this is what he may want to pursue. His excitement for medicine is contagious. He brings love, laughter, and intelligent conversation into our home. And even in the midst of his incredibly busy schedule, with so much to do, he leads our family spiritually. He prays over Peter every night, he reminds us to read our daily Bible together. I am richly blessed.

I look at my sweetie Petey. He's giggling in his sleep again. It makes me melt. Some days I can still hardly believe that he is mine. Peter and Jude are the most precious gifts I've ever been given. And while I miss my Jude dude, and always will, I'm so grateful for them both! I am richly blessed.

I pulled out of work yesterday afternoon after a long and crazy day feeling tired but satisfied at a solid days work; knowing that I improved peoples lives. I'm so grateful for a job that I enjoy, helps me provide for my family, and still allows me to put them first. I am richly blessed.

I just finished chatting with my mom on Facebook. They are in Thailand visiting missionaries that our church supports. While I'm glad they are having a marvelous trip, I can't wait for them to be home again. Our relationship is special. Both sides of our family are loving and supportive. I am richly blessed.

I see my two snoozing pooches. They were just out wrestling in the yard and then flopped at my feet for a nap. Though they come with a lot of chaos, they bring so much joy to our family! I am richly blessed.

I'm sitting at my kitchen table, cup of coffee in hand. Roses, sage, and my flower pots are in full bloom out my sliding door. My garden already producing delicious goodies for us to munch on, and will continue for months to come. This home is so peaceful and I love it. I am richly blessed.

Our new car sits in the garage. I'm thinking of what errands I can come up with to run today, because I just can't wait to drive it. It may sound silly, but we're just so excited about it! (It has a sunroof!) I am richly blessed.

I could go on, but instead of continuing to read about my blessings, I want to encourage you to dwell on some of your own. No matter what you are going though today; I'm sure you can think of some marvelous things God has blessed you with. Thank Him for those things!

Introversion and focusing on what really matters

Sometimes being introverted really stinks.

It's true! Ask any introvert you know and I bet they'll agree with me. It can be a real challenge when it seems like most relationships are expected to be built and flourish in group settings. Unless others are willing to dedicate the time to intentionally invest in a relationship with an introvert then the introvert is left feeling like little more than an acquaintance even among "close" groups of friends. Especially in the day and age of social media. Alot of one-on-one interactions are replaced by Facebook messages, texting, and blogging. People just don't get together and chat about real life over a cup of coffee very often these days. People rarely talk about things that really MATTER; things that help you see each other's heart and soul. The things that make an introvert feel known and loved and allow them to know and love others are the things that are falling by the wayside of our increasingly media-centric culture.

I've been struggling this week,... well most of the year really,... with feeling pretty lonely. I've been introverted all my life; and have learned alot about how to cope and interact well in groups of people. Sometimes people are surprised when I tell them that naturally I'm severely introverted. But it's true. I rarely, if ever, feel that I can build a close friendship if its only forum is groups. I'm absolutely exhausted by being around lots of people for extended periods of time,... especially if I don't know them well. Add that to the fact that having grown up surrounded by brothers, I've always been more comfortable in the company of dudes than girls, and it has always made building deep female friendships a huge hurdle. And honestly, among many of the blessings of moving back home, it has also presented more of a struggle to rebuild friendships than I expected. I'm to the point of being exhausted from trying so hard and feeling like I'm not getting anywhere. This week I have felt ready to just give up; especially since I know we are only going to be here another year.

Then something dad said during his sermon this morning reminded me that my sustenance doesn't come from relationships with other lost, broken, searching, people. That's what we all are. We may be searching for different things, but our search can end as soon as we regain focus on the one who can meet all needs. I'm searching for meaningful friendships, and yet I often neglect the most meaningful and rich relationship I've been gifted with. Sure, relationships with those around us are still important, but I sometimes get so wrapped up in seeking a feeling of connectedness with others, or wallowing in self-pity because of the lack thereof, that I forget to invest time in the one relationship that can provide infinite connectedness and fulfillment.

So I'm challenging myself the next few weeks and months to not try so hard. I'm giving myself a free pass in the friendship department, as long as I stay focused on the Savior department. If deep relationships are truly something that I need right now, then I trust that as I draw closer to Christ, He will provide the rest. 

Little stinker thrashed around in his crib for the entire hour that is his normal nap time,... then as soon as I got him out and layed him on his play mat, he was out cold. Haha,... 

Sometimes it's scary how stubborn he can be already. We're gonna be challenged for many years to come by this kiddo! But,... everytime I would go in to give him back his pacifier or to check on him during "nap time" he would just look up at me from his crib and grin. 

And I just want to melt into a puddle of baby snuggles. Man, I love this kid!

We got through Mother's Day without any major breakdowns. It's still definitely a bittersweet day, but when I look back on how painful it was for me last year compared to this year I just have to praise God. He has done such an amazing work of healing in my heart, and has blessed me beyond measure with little Peter.

There's still a gap in our family.

The pain is not gone.

The missing him is not gone.

I would get irritated after we lost Jude when people told me to have another baby right away. They would say something like: "It's ok, you're still young; you can have more." As if they thought I could just have another baby, and then Jude would be voided. As if all of the love and pain that Jude brought with him had never happened. As if Jess and I could go back to being the people we were before, by just having another baby and "moving on."

And those people were so, so wrong. We were completely molded by that experience and loss. But it made our character deeper. It made our love stronger. Jude made us better.

Why would we EVER want to "get over" him?

God used his short little life to teach us so much. And though we did experience excruciating pain because of him, we would never want the clean slate that many people wished for us. 

Peter is not Jude's replacement.

Neither is he our consolation prize.

They are both our dearly beloved sons; and we are immensely grateful for each of them and the blessings and challenges that they have, and will continue to present in our lives.

These were just a few of the many thoughts I was mulling over this Mother's Day. I pray that your day was as blessed as mine. Whether you have children present to celebrate with or not, I hope your day was full of peace.

Growing up with(out) his big brother

Something that I've been thinking about alot lately:

How do we make sure that Peter knows about Jude, and maintain his presence in our family over the years? 

We have Jude's painting; and it will always have a prominent place in our house. Peter and all our future children will grow up knowing the story behind it. We have pictures on the wall of us with Jude. We have his ultrasound picture in the nursery. There are little reminders around the house. But I want our other children to feel connected to him as more that just some random baby that died before they were born?

How do we help them feel like they know Jude, when we didn't really get the chance to know him ourselves? How do we continue to include him in our family in tangible ways for our kids in years to come? There are a few traditions that we have started or are planning to start with Peter and any future children. We are going to get a new angel ornament for our Christmas tree every year and hang it on Jude's birthday. We plan on always including a blue helium balloon in family pictures to represent Jude. And someday when we will be in one place for more than a couple of years I would love to plant a tree and a memorial garden for him.

But how do we describe him and explain his place in our family to children? How do we include them in their brother's memorial traditions even when they are very small?

If you're a bereaved mama with other children I'd love to hear how your family includes the baby/child that's not present!

Every little thing

I don't want to forget anything about these days. These days full of snuggling, smiles, tired, and so much love.

All of Peter's little features and habits are changing and developing so quickly and I don't want to ever forget any of the tiny details that I love about this boy.

My desperation to cling to every precious moment that was established when we lost Jude has been reinforced as we've seen several friends, and friends of friends pass away unexpectedly the last few weeks. It makes my heart heavy to think of all the moments these families will never have with their loved ones. It makes me cling with renewed passion to every beautiful moment my lovely little family has together.

Every loving word from my husband.

Every gentle whisper in Jess' deep voice into Peter's tiny crinkled ear.

Every short, sleepy breath against my neck.

Every moment his rapidly increasing weight lies against my chest.

Every feeding with his warm cheek against my breast.

Every time he sleeps with his left eye peeking open.

Every adorable lop-sided smile.

Every time his cheek dimples.

Every stretch of little muscles when he sticks his booty out and clenches his fists on the air.

Every time Jess walks in the door and can't wait to get his hands on the little guy.

Every quiet sigh in the middle of the night.

There are a million things I could list that I love about my life right now!

But even the things that are less inherently wonderful I want to notice and remember. How rewarding it is hanging diapers on the clothes line and folding tiny clothes. The frustration of responding to his desperate cries when even he doesn't know what he needs. The soreness in my neck and shoulders from nursing him day and night. The seeming hours on end it takes to complete even simple household tasks.

They are all a part of this wonderful challenging life that not everyone is blessed with. 

And I am grateful.

                       First time in the bumbo!                

Playing with Grampa

                                                     helping dad study