And the years roll on....

My page has been inaccessible for quite a while, and since I finally sat to fix it I thought I'd post a short update. My hope is that it brings hope and peace for anyone who may still stumble across this blog in the early days of loss.

I sit here typing as quickly as I can because I currently have my one year old ticking-time-bomb on my lap trying to "help." He is a most "helpful" child. And a pure joy. But most definitely the busiest of our tribe so far.

God's grace is SO good to us. We now live in San Antonio, TX where Jess is a Pulmonary and Critical Care physician in the Air Force. This spring he finished his 6th year of post doc training (Hallelujah!) just in time to staff the COVID ICU during the current pandemic. Peter is 7 and in second grade; Hannah is 5 in kinder, and Isaac is our baby at 18 months.

Jude would be 8 (almost 9) and in 3rd grade. It blows my mind. Some days picture him in the middle of our daily bustle and fray. Our dining table has 6 chairs; and ever since Isaac moved from his highchair to a booster at the table with us the table has been *almost* full. I often look around as we're talking over dinner and think that our extra chair should be Jude's. We still remember him and celebrate him in small ways. We have pictures of him up around the house; we celebrate his birthday; we hang his stocking, and our kids all talk about their "baby Jude." His life continues to be one of the defining experiences of our family.

There are two things I want to say here:

1) For parents who are fresh in the pain of loss: your little one's life had meaning. You will have opportunities to continue to share their life with others. There is hope in that. The pain will soften; the memories will be less in focus; but the maturity and wisdom that you gain in the midst of grief can be used to God's glory. There is great redemption in that.

2) For the parents who are farther out: Time heals, and life continues to propel you forward. The really painful days come farther and farther apart. You find yourself thinking less often of the little one you lost. That is ok too. Life carries you on. You aren't "moving on" but you do continue moving forward. And that is good. I struggled with guilt off and on for years feeling like I wasn't living in my grief enough. Guilt often follows grief; don't let it eat you up. Life your life in joy knowing that your little one is waiting for you.

Ok, I gotta run. The big kid's screen time is up and the baby's in the dog water. Life is so FULL. I never imagined life would ever be this rich when we were fresh in our loss. But is is. SO rich. SO full. SO blessed. SO exhausting. Haha! Wish me luck.