thoughts at 20 weeks

20 weeks yesterday. 1/2 way there. Some days that fact amazes me, and others it feels like I've been pregnant forever. Some days it feels like we've been expecting this baby since the beginning of my pregnancy with Jude. The lines and memories between the two pregnancies become blurry.

I called him Jude the other day.

I've caught myself thinking it a few times, but the other day when Peter was kicking really hard I mentioned it to Jess and referred to him as Jude Dude out loud. I quickly corrected myself, and tried not to let guilt set in. I don't think Jess even heard it, but it made me feel terrible. I think in some ways it would have been easier to differentiate the lines between the two if this one had been a girl. 

PLEASE don't get me wrong. I couldn't care less his gender; I'm just elated that he's healthy.

But, I think having another boy right away, along such a similar timeline as Jude was expected to take is more,... complicated. This is partly the reason we decided to go with the name Peter instead of James. James was originally a variation of the name Jacob. It means "The Usurper"; stemming from the story of Jacob( the younger brother) stealing Esau's (the older brother) birthright. It kinda just hit a little too close to home. We still love the name, and may go back to it if we have another boy someday, but this baby doesn't need that insinuation. It just left too much of a bad taste in our mouths. Now, Peter: "The Rock." Can't go wrong there. :-)

We went through Jude's things the other night to figure out what we have that we'll want to use for Peter, and what will stay as Jude's and only Jude's. Most of the clothes and baby things that we had bought before we got Jude's diagnosis we will use for Peter. But in my mind I still think of them as Jude's. I don't know when that will change. Maybe not until Peter is born, and his presence and alive-ness is more tangible.

One of my fears, and something that I've been praying about alot lately is that I don't EVER want Peter or any of our other future children to feel like they are playing second fiddle to Jude. I want them to know that they have a big brother in Heaven. I want them to be aware of his existence, and  count him among our family members. But it would break my heart if they ever felt less wanted, important, or loved than he is.

I desire BOTH of my boys. I always will. But Jude's absence will only make me appreciate the rest of our children MORE. That is the reality that I want our kids to know. I just pray that God would clearly guide Jess and I as we raise the children we are blessed enough to keep. I pray that we find the perfect balance in talking about Jude with Peter and any other kids we may have, and being open about our desire to be with him, without making them feel inadequate.

Da Belly

Here's the infamous belly progression thus far:

Dang. I hardly even realize how big I'm getting until I look back at the pictures!

One of the things I really regretted with Jude is that we didn't take "nice" belly pictures, just bathroom mirror reflection ones. I promised myself that no matter what, I would take nicer pictures for all subsequent pregnancies.

Things are going well. I *think* we've decided on the name Peter. Peter Allen Anderson. He just kicked me square in the bladder which seems to have become one of his favorite past-times. I love it. I'm feeling him so much, and it's absolutely fabulous. If I'm paying attention, rarely an hour goes by that I don't feel some movement or another. It just amazes me how active he is. He's going to be all boy for sure.

Tonight our project is to pull out  our boxes of Jude's things and go through them. I think I'm finally ready to sort through it, and try to picture using the things we got Jude for another baby. I know that some things we just won't be able to use for Peter, without only thinking of Jude. But hopefully most of it can count toward baby stuff for Peter too. We'll see how it goes.

We're going to watch the Avengers afterwards, so we'll have some good light comic relief.

The other thing that was really refreshing this week was meeting my new niece last Saturday. She was just a few hours old, and we went to the hospital to see my brother Matt, his wife Amy, and new Virginia June. She's a beauty! And I'm glad/relieved to say that that was the first time in almost a year that I've held a baby and didn't want to burst into tears.

I certainly thought of Jude. Wondered what it could have been like,.... I always will.

But I also thought of Peter.

And what it WILL be like. 

It made my heart more happy than sad. What a blessed relief.

It is well

We just got home from the doctor's a little bit ago. The ultrasound went well. We have alot of scary/sad memories associated with ultrasounds, so it was very emotional.

But this little guy looks great.

He's measuring right on track, even a little big which is very reassuring compared to how his big brother measured. 

Yup, it's another boy!

And as of right now he looks perfect.

We are so relieved, and thankful that there were no concerns and we can finally begin to breath a little easier.

Praise God!

And, as promised, we went immediately to REI and made our first baby purchase this pregnancy:

photo bomb courtesy of Libby the Wonder-Dog!

Diaper bag: check!

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers leading up to today. It's been a very anxiety-filled week. Fortunately right now, the biggest thing we have to worry about is figuring out his name! 

:-)

We're debating between James and Peter.

We considered both of them last time before going with Jude.

His middle name will be Allen after his grampa and his brother.

Which do you like better?

unforgotten dates

10.22.11

The day we found out we were having a boy and named him Jude. So much joy!

11.8.11

The day we had Jude's anatomy scan and found out *something may be wrong.* My birthday.

11.15.11

The day of our follow-up ultrasound with the perinatologist and found out Jude would (probably) not live.

11.17.11

The day of our amniocentesis.

11.19.11

The day we got the amnio results: Triploidy. All hope for Jude's survival gone. Jess' birthday.

12.20.11

The day we went to the hospital to usher our son through Heaven's gates.

12.21.11

The day we said "hello" and "goodbye."

Each of these days are ingrained in my memory like giant black holes in my brain. The reality of their approach really started to hit me this morning.

I. Am. Terrified.

I'm scared that history will repeat itself.

I'm scared that my fear of these approaching dates, and equivalent milestones with this pregnancy will/are overshadowing the joy of expecting this baby; and that it's unfair to this little one.

I'm afraid that the seemingly unending tears will return around these dates. 

I'm scared that I'll be re-consumed by my grief, and lose focus of the blessings that we have.

I'm scared to have to explain to those who can't understand our reality, why I'm not a "normal" pregnant woman, just looking forward to finding out the gender of our baby at the anatomy scan on Tuesday.

But:

I know I can rest in God's love. 

Is it easy? No. Will it always stop the tears? No.

But, in Him, I find rest.

As I was sitting here writing this, one of my favorite songs started playing on my Enter the Worship Circle station on Pandora. (FABULOUS station by the way.)

I'm challenging myself to remember that there is more truth in these lyrics than there is in my fear.

I will remember the power of this day over all the others:

How Deep The Father's Love For Us

(by Stuart Townsend)

How deep the Father's love for us.

How vast beyond all measure.

That He would give His only Son,

To make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss.

The Father turns His face away,

As wounds which mar the Chosen One

Bring many sons to Glory.

Behold the man upon the cross,

My sin upon His shoulders,

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held Him there,

Until it was accomplished.

His dying breath has brought me life.

I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything: 

No gifts, no power, no wisdom.

But I will boast in Jesus Christ,

His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from His reward?

I can not give an answer.

But this I know with all my heart:

His wounds have pain my ransom.

That is the love of my Savior. In this love, with His help, I will rest.

Blue Skies

So we haven't purchased  anything yet for this baby.

With Jude I'd been an Amazon and Ebay addict for a while by now.

I had made quite a few purchases. My favorite of which were the Beco baby carrier, and the complete set of Good Dog Carl books.

We've held off this time. I want to feel a little more confident that I'll actually be able to use the items I buy, before beginning to purchase more things that could just end up also being packed away in a box in the closet with Jude's things.

But that was before I saw this FABULOUS Sherpani bag at REI:

It's name is even perfect: the Blue Skies messenger bag.

I was a goner.

I wanted to purchase it on the spot.

Wouldn't it be the world's awesomest diaper bag??? And not all kitschy and cutsie like many of them.

(Not to offend people that do cutsie. It's just not me.)

Then the voice of reason (my husband) spoke up and reminded me that we're waiting. 

So I made him a deal:

After the ultrasound (In a week and a half!), if all looks good,

I'm marching my rapidly-expanding pregnant booty back into REI and buying that bag.

I'm doing it.

It. Will. Happen.

Believing that still feels risky. But at least for today, I'm choosing to believe it anyway.

I WILL use that bag to carry around tiny clothes, diapers, binkies, and blankets.

By the grace of God,

It. Will. Happen.

Rainbow Baby

The past year or so I've been learning this new language. It doesn't really have a name. I suppose you could call it the language of loss. There are whole communities of women online who have experienced loss/infertility problems. Over time they have slowly created terms for things and experiences that our language doesn't facilitate. There are tons of terms to learn, many I'm still unfamiliar with. One that I catch myself using in regular conversation is fairly self-explanatory: Take-Home Baby. We PRAY that this little one will be our Take-Home Baby.

My favorite though, is also one of the most common: Rainbow Baby. Any baby conceived after a loss is a Rainbow Baby. Sometimes our Rainbow Babies also become Angel Babies. Sometimes our Rainbow Babies become our Take-Home Babies! 

The child I now carry is our Rainbow Baby. Think about it for a minute.

Isn't it perfect?

Hope after the storm. After the raging waters have completely suffocated life from the earth... 

A promise.

Genesis 9:13-16

"I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."

We thought all was lost. The future was terrifying. We couldn't see how life could go on.

And then, a rainbow.

It doesn't mean we won't struggle, it just means that there is more reason to persevere through difficulties!

This time

(Trigger)

One year ago today we told the world that we were expecting our first baby.    

We were pretty proud of how we did it.          

I still think it's a cute announcement:

Jess' extra curricular reading this winter

Well, this year we have another announcement to make,...

Yep.    :-)

 Another little Anderson is on their way.

We're feeling incredibly blessed. And excited. And scared. Life is an emotional rollercoaster; but by the grace of God, there are more highs than lows these days. We're doing this again. And we feel as ready as we'll ever be, but pregnancy will never be the same for us as it was early on with Jude.

EVERYTHING is so different this time.

If I could have a buck for every time I said or thought about how different THIS TIME is,... I'd buy us a vineyard chateau in France and retire.

This time our joy is quiet.

This time we have no expectations.

This time we are not planning more than a few days in advance.

This time I have nightmares.

This time we know that all we can do is cover our baby in prayer.

This time, when asked if this is our first, I'm tongue tied.

This time we anxiously await our baby's arrival, while still grieving for his/her big brother.

This time, balancing emotions is like walking a tightrope.

This time we won't find out the gender, because we know ALIVE is all that matters. 

This time I mostly hide my baby belly.

This time ultrasounds are terrifying.

This time every day feels like an accomplishment.

The list goes and goes and goes.

Since the pregnancies were only about 6 months apart, my body kicked into gear super quickly. Now, at 15+ weeks I'm almost as big as I was when Jude was born (at 27 weeks). I've been feeling this little one's wiggles for a few weeks now. It's such a reassurance, and I believe a direct gift from God that I've been able to feel him/her so early. Love those wiggles. Today I have wiggles in my womb, and I pray that I will feel those wiggles in my arms come about March 2nd.

It seems to help to be with and talk to other pregnant ladies. Occasionally their naivete frustrates me, but ultimately I think that a little bit of their un-abandoned joy rubs off. They remind me what pregnancy SHOULD be like,... what it used to be like.

Enough for now. 

I just have one request before I sign off: Please be praying for us.
Everything has gone smoothly with the pregnancy so far. I've had a number of ultrasounds with no concerns arising yet. In the back of my mind though is the knowledge that Jude looked fine too, until later on. We have our anatomy scan (the big ultrasound,... the one that changed everything with Jude) coming up on Oct. 2nd. It's scary stuff. We're trying to trust God completely with this baby, but are also painfully aware that trusting God doesn't protect us from difficulties and sorrow.

I'm hoping that if all is well at this next ultrasound I'll feel like I can start actually planning on having a baby. Our first take home baby.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for your thoughts and prayers!