Rainbow Baby

The past year or so I've been learning this new language. It doesn't really have a name. I suppose you could call it the language of loss. There are whole communities of women online who have experienced loss/infertility problems. Over time they have slowly created terms for things and experiences that our language doesn't facilitate. There are tons of terms to learn, many I'm still unfamiliar with. One that I catch myself using in regular conversation is fairly self-explanatory: Take-Home Baby. We PRAY that this little one will be our Take-Home Baby.

My favorite though, is also one of the most common: Rainbow Baby. Any baby conceived after a loss is a Rainbow Baby. Sometimes our Rainbow Babies also become Angel Babies. Sometimes our Rainbow Babies become our Take-Home Babies! 

The child I now carry is our Rainbow Baby. Think about it for a minute.

Isn't it perfect?

Hope after the storm. After the raging waters have completely suffocated life from the earth... 

A promise.

Genesis 9:13-16

"I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."

We thought all was lost. The future was terrifying. We couldn't see how life could go on.

And then, a rainbow.

It doesn't mean we won't struggle, it just means that there is more reason to persevere through difficulties!

This time

(Trigger)

One year ago today we told the world that we were expecting our first baby.    

We were pretty proud of how we did it.          

I still think it's a cute announcement:

Jess' extra curricular reading this winter

Well, this year we have another announcement to make,...

Yep.    :-)

 Another little Anderson is on their way.

We're feeling incredibly blessed. And excited. And scared. Life is an emotional rollercoaster; but by the grace of God, there are more highs than lows these days. We're doing this again. And we feel as ready as we'll ever be, but pregnancy will never be the same for us as it was early on with Jude.

EVERYTHING is so different this time.

If I could have a buck for every time I said or thought about how different THIS TIME is,... I'd buy us a vineyard chateau in France and retire.

This time our joy is quiet.

This time we have no expectations.

This time we are not planning more than a few days in advance.

This time I have nightmares.

This time we know that all we can do is cover our baby in prayer.

This time, when asked if this is our first, I'm tongue tied.

This time we anxiously await our baby's arrival, while still grieving for his/her big brother.

This time, balancing emotions is like walking a tightrope.

This time we won't find out the gender, because we know ALIVE is all that matters. 

This time I mostly hide my baby belly.

This time ultrasounds are terrifying.

This time every day feels like an accomplishment.

The list goes and goes and goes.

Since the pregnancies were only about 6 months apart, my body kicked into gear super quickly. Now, at 15+ weeks I'm almost as big as I was when Jude was born (at 27 weeks). I've been feeling this little one's wiggles for a few weeks now. It's such a reassurance, and I believe a direct gift from God that I've been able to feel him/her so early. Love those wiggles. Today I have wiggles in my womb, and I pray that I will feel those wiggles in my arms come about March 2nd.

It seems to help to be with and talk to other pregnant ladies. Occasionally their naivete frustrates me, but ultimately I think that a little bit of their un-abandoned joy rubs off. They remind me what pregnancy SHOULD be like,... what it used to be like.

Enough for now. 

I just have one request before I sign off: Please be praying for us.
Everything has gone smoothly with the pregnancy so far. I've had a number of ultrasounds with no concerns arising yet. In the back of my mind though is the knowledge that Jude looked fine too, until later on. We have our anatomy scan (the big ultrasound,... the one that changed everything with Jude) coming up on Oct. 2nd. It's scary stuff. We're trying to trust God completely with this baby, but are also painfully aware that trusting God doesn't protect us from difficulties and sorrow.

I'm hoping that if all is well at this next ultrasound I'll feel like I can start actually planning on having a baby. Our first take home baby.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for your thoughts and prayers!

Someone Else's Life

I sit here at my kitchen table listening to the landscapers finish up their work on our lawn outside, a cup of coffee and a gorgeous Palisade peach next to me, two sleepy dogs at my feet, and feel SO GRATEFUL for this life. I just finished returning an email to a baby-loss mama who saw my story on another web-site, and who also lost her precious little one to Triploidy. I both hate and love getting these emails. I love that they have found me, and love the opportunity to reach out and encourage them; but I HATE that other baby-loss mamas exist, and I hate the pain that they are experiencing. Anyway, part way through the email, as I was asking this other mama if she felt like she had begun to find her "new normal" it hit me. 

This. Is. My. Life. This is my new normal. I take a step back and look at this beautiful, messy, life, and it doesn't feel like mine. Certainly not what I expected/wanted!

If you had told me a year ago that this would be my life today, I wouldn't have believed you. I would have wondered how I could survive. I wouldn't have wanted this life!

But today, having lived it, I love it. Is there still pain? Yes. But there is so much beauty and joy in the midst of it! 

This may never totally feel like MY life, but that's because it's not the life I chose for myself. It's the life God chose to give to me; and while it is not without pain, it is good.

Psalm 30:11-12

You turned my wailing into Dancing;

You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

That my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.

I'm Baaaack!!!

Hello, hello, hello!!!!

I haven't had any internet in a month, so I'm so pleased that it *seems* to be working this morning! We'll see how far I get, but hopefully I'll get a quick update out there!

Life has been so crazy! I don't even know where to start! Let's go chronologically....

Jess got his board scores back,... and what do you know,... I married a freakin' genius! He did super well on both exams, which is such a reassurance that all his dedication and hard work is paying off,... and that God is providing and paving the way! Even though the med school journey is definitely challenging, God's clear hand of blessing on Jess' work helps us know that we are in His will, and therefore it will absolutely be worth it!

He started his rotations in early August, and is almost done with his first one which has been in Internal Medicine. It worked out really well, because he knew this would be an area he was interested in, and so far he has really enjoyed it! The docs he's been working with have been helpful and gracious, while also pushing him to learn and grow. It's been an exciting time for him to get in the hospital and start experiencing what life can be like as a physician!

Annnnnnnnd that brings me to our HOUSE!!!! We absolutely love it! We've been in here for about a month now (hence the reason for no internet for a month) and we're really feeling settled in. Here are a few pics!

Our bedroom:

My kitchen, which I'm in love with!!!!

 Dining room:

Upstairs family room:

Downstairs living room:

another of the downstairs living room:

We're getting the yard worked on this week,... hopefully we'll have sod in by friday! There will still be alot of work to do out there,... it's going to be a continual work in progress, but hopefully we'll be able to start enjoying it this weekend! The dogs are going to LOVE having grass to play on! And I can't wait to start planing flower beds!

Speaking of dogs and beds,....

She's getting big, but I still think she's the cutest puppy in the world!

Almost 6 months: (helping me fold laundry)

There are about 50 million other things I could write about,... but I have a few other things I reeeeally need to get done while we still have internet! (Maybe the previous problems with it have been solved, and it's up for good, in which case I'll be back soon!)

Much love,

summer crazies

Ok, brief updates: Jess is done with boards! whoopee! This is just round 1 of 4,... but it's good to have these ones behind us. He should get results soon. He's back in Denver again now, for a 2 week long 3rd year orientation course.

And yes, we are still buying a house. slowly. very, very, slowly. blah.... Our closing is set for a week from today, but I'm not confident that it will stay there. It sure does seem difficult to get people to do their jobs! Lord willing though, we'll be able to move in when Jess gets back from his class at the end of the month. We have all of our furniture and pain colors picked out,... we just need a house to put them in!

Jess had one week off last week and we went camping up on the Grand Mesa while he was home. It was so nice to get up into the mountains! The dogs had a blast chasing chipmunks to their heart's content, and Lola made it the whole 11 mile Crag's Crest hike! She was a rock star. Here are some pictures:

And my favorite picture from the whole trip:

I definitely still feel the absence of Jude when we go out and do things like this, but it doesn't usually cause the same intense pain that it used to. I think I'm learning to be content with the blessings that I have in the here and now. 

Hopefully new house pictures will be coming soon! 

Blessings on you and thanks for reading!

Dear Grief,

Let's just clear the air.

Your seemingly random appearances without so much as a pre-visit phone call are really starting to get old.

It's one thing if you give fair warning of your impending visits. Totally another however, when you show up without even giving me enough warning to clear the clutter from the coffee table of my mind.

Simply rude.

Please call ahead from now on.

Sincerely,

Mom Body

"Mom body" is a touchy subject; I know. It means different things to different people. And even different things to the same people at different times in their lives.

I've seen several blogs lately on the subject of having to transition to a "mom body" without the baby that usually goes with it. I've been thinking alot about blogging on the subject, and whether or not it is glorifying to do so, but I think it's valuable to share my experience.

Everyone's experience with loss is different. I know that for many women, body image issues are not even on their radar after a loss. Maybe it makes me shallow, but immediately after having Jude I wanted to lose the pounds I'd put on, and have my old body back. I didn't want to look like I'd just had a baby, unless I had the baby to show for it. I've never hugely struggled with my body image. There are things I don't like about myself, of course, but I work hard to be healthy, and for the most part that's always been good enough for me.

Not after I had Jude though. I wanted to be healthy,... but more than that I wanted to be skinny.

It took me a few months to start losing the weight. It helped that I had no appetite for quite some time. But even when I started losing, and have continued to lose, and now weigh less than I have in years,... I still struggled. I don't like my body.

I think I can finally admit that it has very little to do with how my body looks,... and alot to do with the fact that my body couldn't save Jude. It couldn't help him thrive. It couldn't even keep him alive. Different women  have varying responses to it, but the sense of betrayal felt seems to be fairly universal.

I DO have a "mom body." My body has carried a child,... it just couldn't carry him long enough.

I can't begin to express how difficult it is to share your body with your growing child. GIVE your body to your child, really; only to see him emerge from it breathless. It causes me to mistrust and dislike this vessel I've been given. It causes me to want to change it into something different than it is. Something better than it is.


The Bible has alot to say about our bodies:


Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20


So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27


For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10


I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14


I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Romans 12:1


These are just a few of many verses about our earthly bodies, and the view we should have on them. I will likely struggle to view my body as a beautiful temple of the Holy Spirit for the rest of my days on this earth. But this following passage gives me so much hope. Hope for a future in Heaven, not only for me, but for Jude!



I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed — in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

 “Where, O death, is your victory?
    Where, O death, is your sting?”

 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

 Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
1 Corinthians 15:50-58

I can't wait for my new body; and to see Jude in his. Untouched by pain and death. They will be so much better than this!