Super-less

Two months! It's been two months since my last blog. That's the longest I've gone without writing in a couple of years. It kind of bums me out, but I'm learning to give myself grace in a lot of areas; and blogging has been one of them. I love to write when I feel as though I have something worthwhile to write about and have the time to do so without sacrificing time with my family. But I don't want to write simply out of a sense of duty. If I do then my content will quickly become rubbish. So, I won't ask forgiveness for my long absences. :-)

One reason for my lack of inspiration is due to Jess being gone for a month to audition at a residency in Mississippi. While there were a number of times the thought of blogging crossed my mind, my priority for any free time was taking either a shower or a nap. Peter and I survived and Jess did really well in Mississippi. We're enjoying his month home now, and storing away blessed family moments for September when he'll be gone again.

I've been learning a lot over the last few months. It's a time of giving myself grace; but learning where grace crosses the line into excuses. I am not supermom or superwife. I am becoming OK with not being any form of super____. But, I'm trying to figure out the balance between trying to be the best mother and wife that I can, without having unreasonable expectations of myself. And on the other end when I realize I'm hopelessly super-less, not allowing my inability to attain perfection to transform me into an apathetic puddle of pity party.

It's slow progress, and I think it will be a work in progress for the rest of my life as different stages come and go. I'm learning to sometimes block out the dirty dishes on the counter, and the piles of laundry in order to play with Peter a while longer. Alternately,I'm learning that I can't let myself feel guilty if I didn't read to him that day, or he went an extra day without getting a bath.

It is a difficult but beautiful process, and though it can be exhausting, I feel so blessed to be living this life. Peter is amazing. He's 5 months old now, weighs about 20 lbs, and is almost outgrowing some of his 12 month clothes. He has two teeth, can sit up on his own, and is starting to eat a few solid foods. The developmental phases are flying by so quickly I can hardly keep track!

It's about bedtime now, so I'll be farewell for now. Hopefully it won't be 2 more months until next time,.... but it might. And if it does I'm not going to apologize. Living this breathtaking life is more important than writing about it. :-)

Photo Book

Click here to view this photo book larger

Shutterfly offers exclusive photobook layouts so you can make your book just the way you want.

Photo Book

Click here to view this photo book larger

Shutterfly photo books offer a variety of layouts and cover options to choose from.

magnificent provision

I am struck this morning with the absolute magnitude of how richly I am blessed.

This does not mean that life has been or always will be easy. It does not mean that life is simple, or that we may not have times of further difficulty and heartbreak in the future.

It does mean that through anything we may encounter in this broken world, God has and will continue to provide us with what we need. And more than that,... He will provide abundantly!

I kissed my husband goodbye this morning on his way to the ICU rotation he just started. He is LOVING it. He really thinks this is what he may want to pursue. His excitement for medicine is contagious. He brings love, laughter, and intelligent conversation into our home. And even in the midst of his incredibly busy schedule, with so much to do, he leads our family spiritually. He prays over Peter every night, he reminds us to read our daily Bible together. I am richly blessed.

I look at my sweetie Petey. He's giggling in his sleep again. It makes me melt. Some days I can still hardly believe that he is mine. Peter and Jude are the most precious gifts I've ever been given. And while I miss my Jude dude, and always will, I'm so grateful for them both! I am richly blessed.

I pulled out of work yesterday afternoon after a long and crazy day feeling tired but satisfied at a solid days work; knowing that I improved peoples lives. I'm so grateful for a job that I enjoy, helps me provide for my family, and still allows me to put them first. I am richly blessed.

I just finished chatting with my mom on Facebook. They are in Thailand visiting missionaries that our church supports. While I'm glad they are having a marvelous trip, I can't wait for them to be home again. Our relationship is special. Both sides of our family are loving and supportive. I am richly blessed.

I see my two snoozing pooches. They were just out wrestling in the yard and then flopped at my feet for a nap. Though they come with a lot of chaos, they bring so much joy to our family! I am richly blessed.

I'm sitting at my kitchen table, cup of coffee in hand. Roses, sage, and my flower pots are in full bloom out my sliding door. My garden already producing delicious goodies for us to munch on, and will continue for months to come. This home is so peaceful and I love it. I am richly blessed.

Our new car sits in the garage. I'm thinking of what errands I can come up with to run today, because I just can't wait to drive it. It may sound silly, but we're just so excited about it! (It has a sunroof!) I am richly blessed.

I could go on, but instead of continuing to read about my blessings, I want to encourage you to dwell on some of your own. No matter what you are going though today; I'm sure you can think of some marvelous things God has blessed you with. Thank Him for those things!

Introversion and focusing on what really matters

Sometimes being introverted really stinks.

It's true! Ask any introvert you know and I bet they'll agree with me. It can be a real challenge when it seems like most relationships are expected to be built and flourish in group settings. Unless others are willing to dedicate the time to intentionally invest in a relationship with an introvert then the introvert is left feeling like little more than an acquaintance even among "close" groups of friends. Especially in the day and age of social media. Alot of one-on-one interactions are replaced by Facebook messages, texting, and blogging. People just don't get together and chat about real life over a cup of coffee very often these days. People rarely talk about things that really MATTER; things that help you see each other's heart and soul. The things that make an introvert feel known and loved and allow them to know and love others are the things that are falling by the wayside of our increasingly media-centric culture.

I've been struggling this week,... well most of the year really,... with feeling pretty lonely. I've been introverted all my life; and have learned alot about how to cope and interact well in groups of people. Sometimes people are surprised when I tell them that naturally I'm severely introverted. But it's true. I rarely, if ever, feel that I can build a close friendship if its only forum is groups. I'm absolutely exhausted by being around lots of people for extended periods of time,... especially if I don't know them well. Add that to the fact that having grown up surrounded by brothers, I've always been more comfortable in the company of dudes than girls, and it has always made building deep female friendships a huge hurdle. And honestly, among many of the blessings of moving back home, it has also presented more of a struggle to rebuild friendships than I expected. I'm to the point of being exhausted from trying so hard and feeling like I'm not getting anywhere. This week I have felt ready to just give up; especially since I know we are only going to be here another year.

Then something dad said during his sermon this morning reminded me that my sustenance doesn't come from relationships with other lost, broken, searching, people. That's what we all are. We may be searching for different things, but our search can end as soon as we regain focus on the one who can meet all needs. I'm searching for meaningful friendships, and yet I often neglect the most meaningful and rich relationship I've been gifted with. Sure, relationships with those around us are still important, but I sometimes get so wrapped up in seeking a feeling of connectedness with others, or wallowing in self-pity because of the lack thereof, that I forget to invest time in the one relationship that can provide infinite connectedness and fulfillment.

So I'm challenging myself the next few weeks and months to not try so hard. I'm giving myself a free pass in the friendship department, as long as I stay focused on the Savior department. If deep relationships are truly something that I need right now, then I trust that as I draw closer to Christ, He will provide the rest. 

Little stinker thrashed around in his crib for the entire hour that is his normal nap time,... then as soon as I got him out and layed him on his play mat, he was out cold. Haha,... 

Sometimes it's scary how stubborn he can be already. We're gonna be challenged for many years to come by this kiddo! But,... everytime I would go in to give him back his pacifier or to check on him during "nap time" he would just look up at me from his crib and grin. 

And I just want to melt into a puddle of baby snuggles. Man, I love this kid!

We got through Mother's Day without any major breakdowns. It's still definitely a bittersweet day, but when I look back on how painful it was for me last year compared to this year I just have to praise God. He has done such an amazing work of healing in my heart, and has blessed me beyond measure with little Peter.

There's still a gap in our family.

The pain is not gone.

The missing him is not gone.

I would get irritated after we lost Jude when people told me to have another baby right away. They would say something like: "It's ok, you're still young; you can have more." As if they thought I could just have another baby, and then Jude would be voided. As if all of the love and pain that Jude brought with him had never happened. As if Jess and I could go back to being the people we were before, by just having another baby and "moving on."

And those people were so, so wrong. We were completely molded by that experience and loss. But it made our character deeper. It made our love stronger. Jude made us better.

Why would we EVER want to "get over" him?

God used his short little life to teach us so much. And though we did experience excruciating pain because of him, we would never want the clean slate that many people wished for us. 

Peter is not Jude's replacement.

Neither is he our consolation prize.

They are both our dearly beloved sons; and we are immensely grateful for each of them and the blessings and challenges that they have, and will continue to present in our lives.

These were just a few of the many thoughts I was mulling over this Mother's Day. I pray that your day was as blessed as mine. Whether you have children present to celebrate with or not, I hope your day was full of peace.

Growing up with(out) his big brother

Something that I've been thinking about alot lately:

How do we make sure that Peter knows about Jude, and maintain his presence in our family over the years? 

We have Jude's painting; and it will always have a prominent place in our house. Peter and all our future children will grow up knowing the story behind it. We have pictures on the wall of us with Jude. We have his ultrasound picture in the nursery. There are little reminders around the house. But I want our other children to feel connected to him as more that just some random baby that died before they were born?

How do we help them feel like they know Jude, when we didn't really get the chance to know him ourselves? How do we continue to include him in our family in tangible ways for our kids in years to come? There are a few traditions that we have started or are planning to start with Peter and any future children. We are going to get a new angel ornament for our Christmas tree every year and hang it on Jude's birthday. We plan on always including a blue helium balloon in family pictures to represent Jude. And someday when we will be in one place for more than a couple of years I would love to plant a tree and a memorial garden for him.

But how do we describe him and explain his place in our family to children? How do we include them in their brother's memorial traditions even when they are very small?

If you're a bereaved mama with other children I'd love to hear how your family includes the baby/child that's not present!