Messy

The last few weeks have been hard. Harder than I even anticipated. 

As Jude's birthday gets closer and closer I'm getting more and more emotionally fragile.

I hate being emotionally fragile.

That's not my normal.

But, it is my "grieving normal."

And I guess for now my "grieving normal" is going to be my normal again.

My "grieving normal" means I'm tired all the time. It means that working 10 or 11 hour days is starting to feel super overwhelming. It means that the comments I get all the time about this being my first baby are harder to shrug off than they have been. It means all Peter's kicks and wiggles make me smile initially because I LOVE feeling him; but then want to cry because I never got to feel Jude like this. It means I miss all my Parker friends so badly because they walked through the journey with us, and they "got it" more than most people do. It means that though I want desperately to be able to focus entirely on preparing for Peter and celebrating his life,... that's only one piece of my reality.

I want to be giving you all happy pregnancy updates. And there are moments when I sit down here prepared to do so,... I even start uploading belly pictures and the like,... But it's just not what comes out when I start writing. What comes out is the mess.

And what a mess it is! What confusion of being so grateful for so much, while also struggling with the messy reality of loss. The beautiful gift of little Peter, is only more precious to us because we're living in the messily-wrapped reality of missing Jude.

So I guess instead of trying to sort through my mess and present only one organized piece at a time, I'm just going to present it to you as is.

Here are a few snapshots of my mess:

We know it's going to be super important to us now and in the future to involve Jude in our Christmas traditions; especially since he was born so close to the holiday. One we are starting this year is that we are going to buy an angel ornament every year. We will wait to hang all the angels on our tree on his birthday.

Here's the ornament we got last week,.. sitting on the counter waiting to be hung next week.

Another tradition we want to have Jude represented in is our stockings. This year we hung four stockings. I haven't decided how I want to do names on them yet, but there is one each for Jess and I, Jude, and Peter.

Ok, here's where it's going to get messy. Because pictures about Christmas traditions honoring a child lost shouldn't go right next to pictures of pregnant bellies,.... right?

But here's the pretty part of my mess!

Yup. You saw that correctly. I roughly quadrupled in size in less than a month. 

(That's what it feels like anyway!)

I LOVE my belly. Jess gets such a kick out of checking to see if my belly button has popped every night. It's going to be an outie soon for sure. The ladies at work were joking the other day about how it's going to be like the little red button on Thanksgiving turkeys. It will pop out when it's done cooking!

And last but not least here's the nursery wall that we painted a couple of weeks ago. We just got the decal up, and I think it will look super cute with the crib right underneath it!

Apparently Lola thinks we did it just for her,... ooh she's in for a rude awakening when the little guy makes his appearance!

And there you have it.

It's unorganized. It's messy. It's not tidily wrapped and presented in a pretty package. 

It's just reality. And it's BEAUTIFUL,.... but messy.

If you think about it,... it's appropriate for the Christmas season. 

Jesus entrance into the world was also messy.

But Oh! So, so beautiful. 

Ashes

I have a confession to make:

We still have Jude's ashes.

I always thought it was weird in movies when people had great granny so-and-so's ashes in an urn on the mantle piece. Put the poor old lady to rest already! Right?

But somehow, I've become the weird character in the show that can't seem to let go of that last little piece of their loved one. 

I mean they're ashes for Heavens sake! You're supposed to have the person cremated and then spread them somewhere special. Their favorite vacation spot, their garden, the beach,... 

But I think that's part of the problem. I burst into tears every time I even think about spreading Jude's ashes somewhere because:

He doesn't have anywhere special.

Jess and I were talking about Jude's birthday coming up, and what we're going to do to commemorate the day (besides gorging myself on chocolate birthday cake). I said we should get some helium balloons, attach notes and release them up on the Monument or somewhere else pretty. He suggested we take his ashes and spread them too.

In a way, the Monument would be a good place to leave them. It's an absolutely gorgeous place. You have the beautiful desert and red rock canyon with it's sheer drops overlooking the lights of the valley with the lush Mesa and rugged Bookcliffs for its backdrop. Jess and I have spent many hours hiking around up there and many date nights under those stars when we were too poor to do anything else. And it's a place we should be able to come back to regularly as we have family settled here and hope to make the valley our permanent home someday.

It IS a special place,... to Jess and I.

I need to come to terms with the fact that I really shouldn't keep his ashes in the shadow box on my night stand for the rest of my life. I just don't know if I'm ready though.... or if there will EVER be a time or a place that it will be any easier to open that tiny blue heart-shaped box and let its contents stream out into the wind. I know it's not him. But it's the closest thing I have.

Maybe it's ok to be the movie cliche for a little bit longer.... 

Praying for peace one way or the other.

November

Before last year November always felt like a cozy month set aside for pumpkin pie lattes, birthdays, Thanksgiving, and the beginning of sweaters and wool socks season.

Then last year happened. 

November was a month to survive. Survival was really my only aspiration for November and December last year. Crying myself to sleep night after night. Longing to wake up the next day to find it was all just a nightmare. Then I did wake up,... and reality was still real. Something to merely survive. And I achieved survival. Many days I didn't FEEL alive. But life and faith moved me forward despite how I felt; and brought us through Jude's life and death and into a new year.

This year was something different entirely. I didn't really know what to expect of this month full of painful memories. I've mostly just gritted my teeth, put my head down and kept moving through each day; pushing myself to stay busy. For the most part it hasn't been too bad. I often catch myself wondering if I'm grieving "enough" at this point. I know there is no right or wrong when it comes to dealing with loss. I'm choosing to place my hope in Christ's redemption on the situation and trust that He'll make clear if I need to slow down.

So, that's November.

Here comes December. 

New

By this time in my pregnancy with Jude we had his diagnosis and were weighing all the terrible options. Overwhelmed to the breaking point with so much information,... and so little.

We'd had ultrasounds by techs, doctors, and then doctors with more initials.

We'd had an amniocentesis. And gotten a phone call with results that surprised even our specialists.

We'd had all the joy of pregnancy sucked out of us, and were left feeling like dry bones. Still carrying Jude physically, but burying him emotionally. Preparing to birth and bury him physically. Not knowing when he would come, but knowing he couldn't stay. Aching, and hurting as we were forced to place his tiny life and soul completely into his creator's hands. Forced to surrender all the hopes and dreams we'd had for him. Forced to give in to God's painful plan for him.

And even as I write this I'm feeling his brother roll about within me. Kicking here, punching there. Feeling him in ways I never felt Jude. We were told we may never have this. That Jude may have been our only chance. Praise God He had a different plan.

Things could be so different right now.

I catch myself often thinking about how different they would be if Jude were here. It would have been completely possible to have both of them. To be mothering a little one, while carrying his brother. I'll always wonder.

But I also wonder what it would be like if we hadn't been blessed so quickly with Peter. Or if I had experienced even one of the potential complications last time that could have robbed me of the ability to carry another. And I thank God.

So often I think more about the "what if he were still here?" instead of the "what if God hadn't chosen to bless us in a hundred other ways this year?"

When I focus on the blessings, it all feels new. I feel vulnerable; sometimes scared, but full of joy. Peter is already developed far beyond the point that Jude ever reached. Each new sensation; Every little ache; Every time a foot or hand finds a new place to land; Every time I feel the skin on my tummy stretching; Every time the sciatica shoots down my back; I want to have a heart of thankfulness. 

These things are new. They mean life and health. They mean opportunities to rejoice in the God that created both of my sons; and is providing me with the blessed opportunity to experience this one more. Each day is more beautiful than the last. Each day is new.

These next few months will be a season of remembering. Re-grieving. 

But also of rejoicing. Because of God's protection, provision, healing, and hope.

Lamentations 3:22-25

I remember my affliction and my wandering,

    the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

    and my soul is downcast within me.

 

Yet this I call to mind

    and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

 

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;

    therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

    to the one who seeks him;

tidbits

Time flies when you're having fun!

We've had a busy and fun couple of weeks. 

Last weekend we went up to the San Juan mountains and hiked Handies Peak with some friends. It was Peter's first 14er! It was slow going, but I was motivated to make it to the top, just so I could say I'd hiked a 14er 5 months pregnant. It was a beautiful day, and we rejoiced in God's magnificent creation the whole way. 

Here are a few pictures:

 On top:

I had a few days off work last week as well and started puttering around with baby projects. I made Peter a little hat and matching booties, as well as a mobile for the nursery, and some fabulous body butter for my rapidly stretching tummy skin. Pinterest is my friend. :-)

I've started thrifting as much as I can for the random "baby necessities." Scored an awesome changing table for 20 bucks, and some other little things. It feels good to start pulling stuff together. We still need quite a few things, but have plenty of time, and I feel like we're making progress now! It is (mostly) fun to start doing all of these things. Still a little scary here and there,... but for the most part we have a lot of peace.

We spent this weekend in Denver and it was such a blessing to reconnect with a lot of our friends that we haven't seen since we left. We are so blessed by those relationships, and miss them all so much! We stopped at The Tattered Cover (No trip to Denver is complete without at least a brief visit in my opinion. Best. Bookstore. EVER.) and bought a copy of Peter Rabbit, with a matching stuffed bunny that says Peter on his jacket. They are so cute! I imagine that bunny will receive many years of love/abuse at the hands of our Peter.

thoughts at 20 weeks

20 weeks yesterday. 1/2 way there. Some days that fact amazes me, and others it feels like I've been pregnant forever. Some days it feels like we've been expecting this baby since the beginning of my pregnancy with Jude. The lines and memories between the two pregnancies become blurry.

I called him Jude the other day.

I've caught myself thinking it a few times, but the other day when Peter was kicking really hard I mentioned it to Jess and referred to him as Jude Dude out loud. I quickly corrected myself, and tried not to let guilt set in. I don't think Jess even heard it, but it made me feel terrible. I think in some ways it would have been easier to differentiate the lines between the two if this one had been a girl. 

PLEASE don't get me wrong. I couldn't care less his gender; I'm just elated that he's healthy.

But, I think having another boy right away, along such a similar timeline as Jude was expected to take is more,... complicated. This is partly the reason we decided to go with the name Peter instead of James. James was originally a variation of the name Jacob. It means "The Usurper"; stemming from the story of Jacob( the younger brother) stealing Esau's (the older brother) birthright. It kinda just hit a little too close to home. We still love the name, and may go back to it if we have another boy someday, but this baby doesn't need that insinuation. It just left too much of a bad taste in our mouths. Now, Peter: "The Rock." Can't go wrong there. :-)

We went through Jude's things the other night to figure out what we have that we'll want to use for Peter, and what will stay as Jude's and only Jude's. Most of the clothes and baby things that we had bought before we got Jude's diagnosis we will use for Peter. But in my mind I still think of them as Jude's. I don't know when that will change. Maybe not until Peter is born, and his presence and alive-ness is more tangible.

One of my fears, and something that I've been praying about alot lately is that I don't EVER want Peter or any of our other future children to feel like they are playing second fiddle to Jude. I want them to know that they have a big brother in Heaven. I want them to be aware of his existence, and  count him among our family members. But it would break my heart if they ever felt less wanted, important, or loved than he is.

I desire BOTH of my boys. I always will. But Jude's absence will only make me appreciate the rest of our children MORE. That is the reality that I want our kids to know. I just pray that God would clearly guide Jess and I as we raise the children we are blessed enough to keep. I pray that we find the perfect balance in talking about Jude with Peter and any other kids we may have, and being open about our desire to be with him, without making them feel inadequate.

Da Belly

Here's the infamous belly progression thus far:

Dang. I hardly even realize how big I'm getting until I look back at the pictures!

One of the things I really regretted with Jude is that we didn't take "nice" belly pictures, just bathroom mirror reflection ones. I promised myself that no matter what, I would take nicer pictures for all subsequent pregnancies.

Things are going well. I *think* we've decided on the name Peter. Peter Allen Anderson. He just kicked me square in the bladder which seems to have become one of his favorite past-times. I love it. I'm feeling him so much, and it's absolutely fabulous. If I'm paying attention, rarely an hour goes by that I don't feel some movement or another. It just amazes me how active he is. He's going to be all boy for sure.

Tonight our project is to pull out  our boxes of Jude's things and go through them. I think I'm finally ready to sort through it, and try to picture using the things we got Jude for another baby. I know that some things we just won't be able to use for Peter, without only thinking of Jude. But hopefully most of it can count toward baby stuff for Peter too. We'll see how it goes.

We're going to watch the Avengers afterwards, so we'll have some good light comic relief.

The other thing that was really refreshing this week was meeting my new niece last Saturday. She was just a few hours old, and we went to the hospital to see my brother Matt, his wife Amy, and new Virginia June. She's a beauty! And I'm glad/relieved to say that that was the first time in almost a year that I've held a baby and didn't want to burst into tears.

I certainly thought of Jude. Wondered what it could have been like,.... I always will.

But I also thought of Peter.

And what it WILL be like. 

It made my heart more happy than sad. What a blessed relief.