2 years

A Couple of weeks ago was Jude's 2nd birthday. I found again this year that the days leading up to his birthday were actually harder then the day itself. I'm not sure why that is. The day before is the worst though. I spend the whole day thinking back on what I was doing that day 2 years ago. Remembering the day of being in labor and anticipating his birth/death is worse somehow then remembering the actual day. And we do things to make the actual day special; which helps.

We did a balloon release again this year. We let Peter keep one of them to take home. That kid LOVES balloons. It was odd trying to make the day about Jude, with Peter in tow; and I imagine that will only become more challenging as the years go by. We got another angel ornament for Jude as well. I imagine that when Jess and I are old, we will have a Christmas tree heavy with Jude's angels. It will be lovely. For now there are just two. It is enough.

A few people remembered,... but mostly family. I wasn't expecting hordes to think of him on what should have been his special day,... but it still hurts my mama's heart that his day slipped by catching the notice of so few. The messages that I did get I cherish. It's one of those telling things about the state of a relationship. Some people we haven't seen in years,... and still they remembered. 

Overall it was a peaceful day. That's what I was praying for, and my biggest hope for his birthday each year. 

thanks

2 years ago today I was getting an amniocentesis to find out what the future held for our family. I was preparing for the worst, and indeed, 2 days later we found out it was the worst. Triploidy, and a suspected molar pregnancy. My baby's body was failing him. And it was happening rapidly. We had huge decisions to make, and were forced to make them while experiencing crippling grief.

But while his little life was slowly snuffing out, the body of Christ had never been SO alive to us. We received an outpouring of love and support from our church family and friends that to this day humbles me and fills me with more thankfulness then I can express. Our fridge and freezer overflowed with meals for months. Our counters were covered in cards filled with hand-written verses and prayers. We received love, and even financial gifts from old friends all over the country. People we hadn't been in touch with for years sent their love and prayers.

At the time I was grateful, but was so emotionally drained, that as the tokens of support poured in  and we ran out of space on our windowsill, then our counter, I simply started putting them in a shoe box. I still have every single card, letter, note, and 3x5 verse card that was given to us. Jess and I were recently going through some of Jude's things, and I read through some of those cards packed haphazardly in that little cardboard box. It hit me that when the people of God act in the Spirit as one body toward a single purpose; it can calm any storm, and no heart is outside of it's reach. Even the broken heart of a grieving mama.

All that to say: Thank you. From the bottom of my heart to all the friends and family that gathered around us and carried us through that difficult season: Thank you.

No words

Hi friends. I'm writing today to ask for your prayers for a dear friend of mine. On Friday night they lost their 3rd baby. It was their second full-term unexpected stillbirth. There are no words for the pain that they are feeling. Everyone is still just in shock that this could happen to them again. And I know that if I am struggling with the questions of how, and why God? Then I can't imagine what they are struggling with today.

Please keep them in your prayers. The parent's names are Lelia and Wayne. The baby's name was Kamani, and he already had 2 older brothers in Heaven.

My prayer for them:
Father I come before you this morning to continue to lift up Lelia, Wayne and their family to you. I hurt for them, and am struggling to understand how you could let this happen to them again. I'm struggling to understand why this baby is not in his dear mama's arms, and how one family can be expected to endure so much pain over and over again.

I just pray that you comfort them. I pray that your presence would fill their home like never before. I ask Father that through all the hurt, anger, and questions, they would turn to you. That they would draw into you for the answers and not pull away. I ask that you fill their spirits with the peace that is beyond understanding. That though they are in the throws of grief and despair that they would have a knowledge that you love them more then they can imagine and that you are hurting with them.

Father build up community around them. I ask that you give their family and friends the words to speak that will be a balm to their hurting souls. Help Lelia and Wayne be able to communicate clearly what they need from their support system, and help them feel the love of those around them. Help them to understand that they don't need to walk this painful road alone. Give them the courage Father to ask for help when they need it.

I pray God that as they are just returning home you would grant them the capacity to deal with all the the baby things in their home. I pray you give them the wisdom to know what will be the most healing way to manage the nursery.

As well as emotional, and spiritual healing Father I pray for physical healing for Lelia as she recovers from a C-Section as well as all the physical discomfort of dealing with a post-baby body when there is no baby. I pray that she would heal quickly. That her pain meds would be effective. And that her milk would dry up quickly with minimal discomfort.

Father I know that you can redeem all things. Even things so painful that they seem beyond redemption. We know that you see a picture far bigger than anything we can imagine. God we ask that Lelia and Wayne are able to see that big picture someday. That they are able to understand how these losses were used for the Kingdom, and understand that all of their pain and anguish was not meaningless.

Father you know much better than I do exactly what Lelia and Wayne are feeling at this moment. You know exactly what they need right now, and I ask in your mercy that you grant them that. In Jesus name I pray,
Amen

October 15th

October 15th is Pregnancy/Infant loss awareness day.

This is a day set aside to recognize babies that the world doesn't. Did you know that according to my medical records, and SS I only have one child? We have no records of Jude's life. No birth certificate. Not even a death certificate. Because to the world, he was never alive. Because he never lived outside my womb.

But he lived. And his life and death made in impact on the world.

A guest missionary speaker at my church made a statement recently that will stick with me. He was speaking of missionary martyrdom, and serving God in potentially dangerous situations. He said this:

"As long as my life brings more glory to God than my death; I will live. But the moment my death brings more glory to God than my life; He will take me home." -Jeff Singfiel

Though the context he was referring to was very different, isn't it true for us all? Dusting off the catechism that I learned as a child: "The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever." (My mama will be proud to know that I still remember that! Homeschooling done right!)

Jude's purpose was the same as yours and mine. The difference is that somehow, for reasons I may never know this side of Heaven, Jude had more potential for God's glorification in his death. This thought is so convicting to me. It leaves me with the charge to share Jude's story with as many as I can! For God's Glory! It also leaves me with a lot of hope. Knowing that his life and death were not in vain. Though God's plan for Jude on earth was very short; I know that it was purposeful.

As was the life and death of every baby that is taken sooner than we would like. So even though to the world Jude never lived; I know better. Because I have seen God work in lives and move hearts through Jude's story. I have seen God glorified as a result of Jude's "nonexistance."

So, if you are another parent of a tiny one in Heaven, my prayer is that these thoughts encourage you to share the life of your little one with those around you today. Glorify God through your babies. And if you are a friend/family member of someone with a baby in Heaven, share with them today how that baby's life or death has impacted you or has drawn you closer to the Savior in some way.

2 Corinthians 4:7-18

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Fall is for Jude

As I sit down to write, I have that song in my head that goes: "time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future..." (By Steve Miller Band. I know nothing about this band, other than having heard this song so I can neither endorse or condemn their music or lifestyles.)

This is what is happening to me! I just can't believe how quickly these days, weeks and months are passing. Jess has been gone 4 of the last 9 months for school which is part of it. Single mom mode leaves little margin in life for anything but giant bowls of ice cream and a quick episode of either Dr. Who, Duck Dynasty, or whatever cooking competition show is currently running before I fall into bed each night. (My true nerd-dom is revealed.) But he's done with his away rotations and residency auditions now. Yay! They all went super, and he creamed his boards exams. Come to find out I married not only a Godly, handsome, natural-born leader, but he's also pretty stinkin' smart to boot. :-) I'm just glad to have him home for more than a few weeks at a time.

All that to say, I have a little margin in my life again! I've completed several craft projects, cleaned out a couple of closets, and cooked a few REAL meals in the last week. That's some serious progress! Whether Jess is home or not though, my life is so blessed. I have only been working about 1 day a week and leaves 6 days to spend with this handsome little devil:

Though he can be a handful, he fills our lives with more joy and laughter than we ever thought possible for us again. 2 years ago, we had no idea what was in store for us. I've found myself thinking of that time a lot the last few weeks. October 22, 2011 at 18 weeks pregnant, we found out we were having our first boy! Our Jude dude. Oh the excitement and joy! Oh the naivety. This date was quickly followed by a cascade of other dates and events that I will never forget. The last of which being December 21. The day we said hello and goodbye to Jude.

Even as I'm spending my days reveling in every one of Peter's abundant giggles, I find myself wondering how many of those smiles would be for Jude if he were here. Fall seems to belong to Jude. Though he always comes to mind frequently, it seems to be more tangible and more painful in the fall.

Fall makes it feel fresh again. I miss him so, so much.

It would mean grimy toddler fingerprints on ever window and surface in the house. It would mean more midnight wake-up calls. It would mean sick days, and cleaning up vomit. It would mean twice the diapers to change. It would mean toys strewn over the entire house. It would mean even less margin.

It would mean twice the love, snuggles, bedtime prayers, Raffi music, giggles, candid photos, food dropped to happy dogs, bathtime splashes, books half-read,...

And while I am SO grateful to have all of the beautiful moments with Peter. Nothing will ever change my desire to share them with Jude as well.

Visiting Jess in San Francisco

Hitchin' a ride on his daddy's back

playin in the yard with dad

fall in the San Juan's

He does love his puppy!

Super-less

Two months! It's been two months since my last blog. That's the longest I've gone without writing in a couple of years. It kind of bums me out, but I'm learning to give myself grace in a lot of areas; and blogging has been one of them. I love to write when I feel as though I have something worthwhile to write about and have the time to do so without sacrificing time with my family. But I don't want to write simply out of a sense of duty. If I do then my content will quickly become rubbish. So, I won't ask forgiveness for my long absences. :-)

One reason for my lack of inspiration is due to Jess being gone for a month to audition at a residency in Mississippi. While there were a number of times the thought of blogging crossed my mind, my priority for any free time was taking either a shower or a nap. Peter and I survived and Jess did really well in Mississippi. We're enjoying his month home now, and storing away blessed family moments for September when he'll be gone again.

I've been learning a lot over the last few months. It's a time of giving myself grace; but learning where grace crosses the line into excuses. I am not supermom or superwife. I am becoming OK with not being any form of super____. But, I'm trying to figure out the balance between trying to be the best mother and wife that I can, without having unreasonable expectations of myself. And on the other end when I realize I'm hopelessly super-less, not allowing my inability to attain perfection to transform me into an apathetic puddle of pity party.

It's slow progress, and I think it will be a work in progress for the rest of my life as different stages come and go. I'm learning to sometimes block out the dirty dishes on the counter, and the piles of laundry in order to play with Peter a while longer. Alternately,I'm learning that I can't let myself feel guilty if I didn't read to him that day, or he went an extra day without getting a bath.

It is a difficult but beautiful process, and though it can be exhausting, I feel so blessed to be living this life. Peter is amazing. He's 5 months old now, weighs about 20 lbs, and is almost outgrowing some of his 12 month clothes. He has two teeth, can sit up on his own, and is starting to eat a few solid foods. The developmental phases are flying by so quickly I can hardly keep track!

It's about bedtime now, so I'll be farewell for now. Hopefully it won't be 2 more months until next time,.... but it might. And if it does I'm not going to apologize. Living this breathtaking life is more important than writing about it. :-)

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magnificent provision

I am struck this morning with the absolute magnitude of how richly I am blessed.

This does not mean that life has been or always will be easy. It does not mean that life is simple, or that we may not have times of further difficulty and heartbreak in the future.

It does mean that through anything we may encounter in this broken world, God has and will continue to provide us with what we need. And more than that,... He will provide abundantly!

I kissed my husband goodbye this morning on his way to the ICU rotation he just started. He is LOVING it. He really thinks this is what he may want to pursue. His excitement for medicine is contagious. He brings love, laughter, and intelligent conversation into our home. And even in the midst of his incredibly busy schedule, with so much to do, he leads our family spiritually. He prays over Peter every night, he reminds us to read our daily Bible together. I am richly blessed.

I look at my sweetie Petey. He's giggling in his sleep again. It makes me melt. Some days I can still hardly believe that he is mine. Peter and Jude are the most precious gifts I've ever been given. And while I miss my Jude dude, and always will, I'm so grateful for them both! I am richly blessed.

I pulled out of work yesterday afternoon after a long and crazy day feeling tired but satisfied at a solid days work; knowing that I improved peoples lives. I'm so grateful for a job that I enjoy, helps me provide for my family, and still allows me to put them first. I am richly blessed.

I just finished chatting with my mom on Facebook. They are in Thailand visiting missionaries that our church supports. While I'm glad they are having a marvelous trip, I can't wait for them to be home again. Our relationship is special. Both sides of our family are loving and supportive. I am richly blessed.

I see my two snoozing pooches. They were just out wrestling in the yard and then flopped at my feet for a nap. Though they come with a lot of chaos, they bring so much joy to our family! I am richly blessed.

I'm sitting at my kitchen table, cup of coffee in hand. Roses, sage, and my flower pots are in full bloom out my sliding door. My garden already producing delicious goodies for us to munch on, and will continue for months to come. This home is so peaceful and I love it. I am richly blessed.

Our new car sits in the garage. I'm thinking of what errands I can come up with to run today, because I just can't wait to drive it. It may sound silly, but we're just so excited about it! (It has a sunroof!) I am richly blessed.

I could go on, but instead of continuing to read about my blessings, I want to encourage you to dwell on some of your own. No matter what you are going though today; I'm sure you can think of some marvelous things God has blessed you with. Thank Him for those things!

Introversion and focusing on what really matters

Sometimes being introverted really stinks.

It's true! Ask any introvert you know and I bet they'll agree with me. It can be a real challenge when it seems like most relationships are expected to be built and flourish in group settings. Unless others are willing to dedicate the time to intentionally invest in a relationship with an introvert then the introvert is left feeling like little more than an acquaintance even among "close" groups of friends. Especially in the day and age of social media. Alot of one-on-one interactions are replaced by Facebook messages, texting, and blogging. People just don't get together and chat about real life over a cup of coffee very often these days. People rarely talk about things that really MATTER; things that help you see each other's heart and soul. The things that make an introvert feel known and loved and allow them to know and love others are the things that are falling by the wayside of our increasingly media-centric culture.

I've been struggling this week,... well most of the year really,... with feeling pretty lonely. I've been introverted all my life; and have learned alot about how to cope and interact well in groups of people. Sometimes people are surprised when I tell them that naturally I'm severely introverted. But it's true. I rarely, if ever, feel that I can build a close friendship if its only forum is groups. I'm absolutely exhausted by being around lots of people for extended periods of time,... especially if I don't know them well. Add that to the fact that having grown up surrounded by brothers, I've always been more comfortable in the company of dudes than girls, and it has always made building deep female friendships a huge hurdle. And honestly, among many of the blessings of moving back home, it has also presented more of a struggle to rebuild friendships than I expected. I'm to the point of being exhausted from trying so hard and feeling like I'm not getting anywhere. This week I have felt ready to just give up; especially since I know we are only going to be here another year.

Then something dad said during his sermon this morning reminded me that my sustenance doesn't come from relationships with other lost, broken, searching, people. That's what we all are. We may be searching for different things, but our search can end as soon as we regain focus on the one who can meet all needs. I'm searching for meaningful friendships, and yet I often neglect the most meaningful and rich relationship I've been gifted with. Sure, relationships with those around us are still important, but I sometimes get so wrapped up in seeking a feeling of connectedness with others, or wallowing in self-pity because of the lack thereof, that I forget to invest time in the one relationship that can provide infinite connectedness and fulfillment.

So I'm challenging myself the next few weeks and months to not try so hard. I'm giving myself a free pass in the friendship department, as long as I stay focused on the Savior department. If deep relationships are truly something that I need right now, then I trust that as I draw closer to Christ, He will provide the rest. 

Little stinker thrashed around in his crib for the entire hour that is his normal nap time,... then as soon as I got him out and layed him on his play mat, he was out cold. Haha,... 

Sometimes it's scary how stubborn he can be already. We're gonna be challenged for many years to come by this kiddo! But,... everytime I would go in to give him back his pacifier or to check on him during "nap time" he would just look up at me from his crib and grin. 

And I just want to melt into a puddle of baby snuggles. Man, I love this kid!

We got through Mother's Day without any major breakdowns. It's still definitely a bittersweet day, but when I look back on how painful it was for me last year compared to this year I just have to praise God. He has done such an amazing work of healing in my heart, and has blessed me beyond measure with little Peter.

There's still a gap in our family.

The pain is not gone.

The missing him is not gone.

I would get irritated after we lost Jude when people told me to have another baby right away. They would say something like: "It's ok, you're still young; you can have more." As if they thought I could just have another baby, and then Jude would be voided. As if all of the love and pain that Jude brought with him had never happened. As if Jess and I could go back to being the people we were before, by just having another baby and "moving on."

And those people were so, so wrong. We were completely molded by that experience and loss. But it made our character deeper. It made our love stronger. Jude made us better.

Why would we EVER want to "get over" him?

God used his short little life to teach us so much. And though we did experience excruciating pain because of him, we would never want the clean slate that many people wished for us. 

Peter is not Jude's replacement.

Neither is he our consolation prize.

They are both our dearly beloved sons; and we are immensely grateful for each of them and the blessings and challenges that they have, and will continue to present in our lives.

These were just a few of the many thoughts I was mulling over this Mother's Day. I pray that your day was as blessed as mine. Whether you have children present to celebrate with or not, I hope your day was full of peace.

Growing up with(out) his big brother

Something that I've been thinking about alot lately:

How do we make sure that Peter knows about Jude, and maintain his presence in our family over the years? 

We have Jude's painting; and it will always have a prominent place in our house. Peter and all our future children will grow up knowing the story behind it. We have pictures on the wall of us with Jude. We have his ultrasound picture in the nursery. There are little reminders around the house. But I want our other children to feel connected to him as more that just some random baby that died before they were born?

How do we help them feel like they know Jude, when we didn't really get the chance to know him ourselves? How do we continue to include him in our family in tangible ways for our kids in years to come? There are a few traditions that we have started or are planning to start with Peter and any future children. We are going to get a new angel ornament for our Christmas tree every year and hang it on Jude's birthday. We plan on always including a blue helium balloon in family pictures to represent Jude. And someday when we will be in one place for more than a couple of years I would love to plant a tree and a memorial garden for him.

But how do we describe him and explain his place in our family to children? How do we include them in their brother's memorial traditions even when they are very small?

If you're a bereaved mama with other children I'd love to hear how your family includes the baby/child that's not present!

Every little thing

I don't want to forget anything about these days. These days full of snuggling, smiles, tired, and so much love.

All of Peter's little features and habits are changing and developing so quickly and I don't want to ever forget any of the tiny details that I love about this boy.

My desperation to cling to every precious moment that was established when we lost Jude has been reinforced as we've seen several friends, and friends of friends pass away unexpectedly the last few weeks. It makes my heart heavy to think of all the moments these families will never have with their loved ones. It makes me cling with renewed passion to every beautiful moment my lovely little family has together.

Every loving word from my husband.

Every gentle whisper in Jess' deep voice into Peter's tiny crinkled ear.

Every short, sleepy breath against my neck.

Every moment his rapidly increasing weight lies against my chest.

Every feeding with his warm cheek against my breast.

Every time he sleeps with his left eye peeking open.

Every adorable lop-sided smile.

Every time his cheek dimples.

Every stretch of little muscles when he sticks his booty out and clenches his fists on the air.

Every time Jess walks in the door and can't wait to get his hands on the little guy.

Every quiet sigh in the middle of the night.

There are a million things I could list that I love about my life right now!

But even the things that are less inherently wonderful I want to notice and remember. How rewarding it is hanging diapers on the clothes line and folding tiny clothes. The frustration of responding to his desperate cries when even he doesn't know what he needs. The soreness in my neck and shoulders from nursing him day and night. The seeming hours on end it takes to complete even simple household tasks.

They are all a part of this wonderful challenging life that not everyone is blessed with. 

And I am grateful.

                       First time in the bumbo!                

Playing with Grampa

                                                     helping dad study

Blog neglect and picture overload!

I feel that apologies are in order! I've been too busy NOT neglecting my baby and haven't even checked my blog in over a month and a half. I know,... you're not exactly sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for my next post, but I still feel bad. 

So here's a recap of the last month and a half:

- I LOVE MY BABY!!!!!!!

- Being a mom is amazing,.... and exhausting,... and there's a STEEP learning curve, but we're getting it. 

And it's so, so worth all the hours of sleep lost.

Yup, that pretty much sums it up. 

Jess has been gone the last three weeks, and that's made for long tiring weeks, but Peter and I are hanging in there. Kudos to all the single moms out there,... it's a hard job.

Eventually I hope to get back to blogging with a little more substance, but for now blurbs and pictures must suffice. So get ready for some picture overload!

2 weeks(ish)

 2 weeks. Lovin' some sling time.

3 weeks. Snuggle boy. :-)

3 weeks, a boy and his dog,.... It begins. :-)

 3.5 weeks. One of the professional pics we had taken, can't wait to get and share the rest!

1 month birthday!

 4 weeks. 1st real smile we caught on camera. LOVE that gummy grin!

4 weeks. 1st bottle

 Almost 5 weeks. Easter morning with Granny Mur and his Easter basket (complete with candy for mom and dad.)

5 weeks. More love from Lola

5 weeks. He really does love the front pack,... this was just bad timing. He's done great hiking so far though!

5 weeks. Good Morning smiles.

6 weeks. And post-bath smiles

6 weeks. Chillin' with Gramma Storey

6 weeks. He's such a happy boy in the morning!

7 weeks. Chunky Monkey in the tub

7 weeks. So expressive!

7 weeks. Love that face!

7 weeks.  Love this boy!

 7 weeks. How can you not want to kiss those cheeks!

And I'm out of time! He's awake! 

I'll try not to let it go another month and a half, but I can't make any promises!