A Heart of Forgiveness

Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you

The theme of the last few days for me has been various forms of bitterness vs. forgiveness.


First I found this blog written by another baby-loss mama. (A fantastic blog site, by the way, which I have spent countless hours this week exploring!) I related so strongly to what she had to say. The hurt that started it all was very different, but the product of deeply-rooted bitterness is the same.


Forgiveness is a topic I have always struggled with. One of the products of being an introvert my whole life is that I have fewer close friendships than many people, but the ones I do have I rely on heavily. I have generally followed a pattern of having 1 or 2 really close friends, that I trust deeply. Probably more than is healthy if I'm being honest. Inevitably one by one those people have hurt me. The pattern then is that I take a huge step back from the relationship and forever hold that person at arms length. I tell myself that this behavior is justifiable and wise as a self-protective mechanism. My thought is that if they betrayed my trust once, then it is only wise to avoid ever being vulnerable with them again. 


The problem with this seemingly rational thought process is that it is often hiding something much more sinister in my heart. Seeds of bitterness take root, and I tell myself I'm just being wise not to trust them when really I'm allowing myself to wallow in old unforgiven hurts. 


In recent years, I have struggled less with this pattern in friendships. I think it probably has something to do with being married, and so the relationship that I rely on most (other than my relationship with my Savior) is with Jess. We live and do everything together, so forgiveness is a necessity in both directions and he's never allowed me to harbor a seed of bitterness toward him. (Plus, he's really pretty fantastic, and rarely does things that require forgiveness anyway. I think he has to practice forgiveness in our relationship more frequently than I do.)


Anyway, between the previously mentioned blog post, and my quiet times and Bible study this week I have been deeply convicted about some unresolved bitterness that has been growing out of control in my heart. While time has allowed me to eventually move on from old hurts, in the process of losing Jude things were done and said to us that, honestly, still feel unforgivable. I know that there is no way I can move on from this hurt by my own strength. Fortunately, we aren't expected to. Praise God! 


I don't know if this hurt will ever be addressed face to face. It may never be apologized for. And I want to be okay with that. I'm not yet; but I think having the desire to forgive is a good first step. I want to be able to look the people that hurt me in the eye without bitterness or malice toward them in my heart. That is my prayer. 


And I know that if I continually make a decision to pull the weed of bitterness up by the roots when it begins to pop up in my heart that the Holy Spirit will plant forgiveness and healing in it's place.