summer crazies

Ok, brief updates: Jess is done with boards! whoopee! This is just round 1 of 4,... but it's good to have these ones behind us. He should get results soon. He's back in Denver again now, for a 2 week long 3rd year orientation course.

And yes, we are still buying a house. slowly. very, very, slowly. blah.... Our closing is set for a week from today, but I'm not confident that it will stay there. It sure does seem difficult to get people to do their jobs! Lord willing though, we'll be able to move in when Jess gets back from his class at the end of the month. We have all of our furniture and pain colors picked out,... we just need a house to put them in!

Jess had one week off last week and we went camping up on the Grand Mesa while he was home. It was so nice to get up into the mountains! The dogs had a blast chasing chipmunks to their heart's content, and Lola made it the whole 11 mile Crag's Crest hike! She was a rock star. Here are some pictures:

And my favorite picture from the whole trip:

I definitely still feel the absence of Jude when we go out and do things like this, but it doesn't usually cause the same intense pain that it used to. I think I'm learning to be content with the blessings that I have in the here and now. 

Hopefully new house pictures will be coming soon! 

Blessings on you and thanks for reading!

Dear Grief,

Let's just clear the air.

Your seemingly random appearances without so much as a pre-visit phone call are really starting to get old.

It's one thing if you give fair warning of your impending visits. Totally another however, when you show up without even giving me enough warning to clear the clutter from the coffee table of my mind.

Simply rude.

Please call ahead from now on.

Sincerely,

Mom Body

"Mom body" is a touchy subject; I know. It means different things to different people. And even different things to the same people at different times in their lives.

I've seen several blogs lately on the subject of having to transition to a "mom body" without the baby that usually goes with it. I've been thinking alot about blogging on the subject, and whether or not it is glorifying to do so, but I think it's valuable to share my experience.

Everyone's experience with loss is different. I know that for many women, body image issues are not even on their radar after a loss. Maybe it makes me shallow, but immediately after having Jude I wanted to lose the pounds I'd put on, and have my old body back. I didn't want to look like I'd just had a baby, unless I had the baby to show for it. I've never hugely struggled with my body image. There are things I don't like about myself, of course, but I work hard to be healthy, and for the most part that's always been good enough for me.

Not after I had Jude though. I wanted to be healthy,... but more than that I wanted to be skinny.

It took me a few months to start losing the weight. It helped that I had no appetite for quite some time. But even when I started losing, and have continued to lose, and now weigh less than I have in years,... I still struggled. I don't like my body.

I think I can finally admit that it has very little to do with how my body looks,... and alot to do with the fact that my body couldn't save Jude. It couldn't help him thrive. It couldn't even keep him alive. Different women  have varying responses to it, but the sense of betrayal felt seems to be fairly universal.

I DO have a "mom body." My body has carried a child,... it just couldn't carry him long enough.

I can't begin to express how difficult it is to share your body with your growing child. GIVE your body to your child, really; only to see him emerge from it breathless. It causes me to mistrust and dislike this vessel I've been given. It causes me to want to change it into something different than it is. Something better than it is.


The Bible has alot to say about our bodies:


Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20


So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27


For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10


I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14


I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Romans 12:1


These are just a few of many verses about our earthly bodies, and the view we should have on them. I will likely struggle to view my body as a beautiful temple of the Holy Spirit for the rest of my days on this earth. But this following passage gives me so much hope. Hope for a future in Heaven, not only for me, but for Jude!



I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed — in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

 “Where, O death, is your victory?
    Where, O death, is your sting?”

 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

 Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
1 Corinthians 15:50-58

I can't wait for my new body; and to see Jude in his. Untouched by pain and death. They will be so much better than this!

If you were here

If you were here I would wish you a happy 1/2 birthday.

If you were here I would have pulled you into bed with us this morning and snuggled you, and smiled down at you while you nursed. I would have kissed your perfect little nose, and every little finger and toe.

If you were here I would have changed your diaper and made sure you wore your cutie little froggie cloth diaper today; because today you are 6 months old, and that's pretty special. Definitely a froggie diaper day. Even though I know it will only last an hour or two.

If you were here I would have put you in a cute little pair of jean shorts and the shirt we got you that says: hide your daughters. :-) Because that shirt is my favorite. And today is a day for favorites. I would put an itty bitty cap on your head, lather you up with sunscreen, and we'd go for a nice early morning walk. Just you and me and the dogs. You'd ride in your awesome Beco baby carrier I bought you. You would love it.

If you were here you'd take a nap with daddy on the couch after our walk. You'd sleep peacefully on his lap while he studies away. He'd look down at you with the same look of pride he had on his face as when we found out you were a boy.

If you were here I'm sure you'd fuss. I would swaddle you and hold you and do everything I could think of to  make you feel better. I might feel desperate after a while; but only because I love you so much that I don't want you to be unhappy.

If you were here you'd love the dogs. I'd put you in your swing and let you watch them jump around and play. You would giggle; and I would giggle because your giggle is contagious.

If you were here we'd visit with Gramma and Grampa Storey for dinner. They can't wait to see you. Grampa would make faces at you until you smiled, and Gramma wouldn't let you go all evening (Aunt Cara and Aunt Amy would gripe about it for sure.). Then we'd skype Granny-Mur before bed; because she needs to see you on your 1/2 birthday too!

If you were here we'd put you to bed and fall onto the couch exhausted. We'd have a cup of decaf then go to bed ourselves apprehensive of the moment we heard you wake up hungry. But then I'd roll over, and see your beautiful face and smile despite the fatigue. I'd pull you into our bed, look into your big blue eyes and be so happy to see you.

Happy 1/2 birthday sweet boy.

Puppers!

I Once again find myself needing to apologize for my blogging delinquency!

The Last few months have been absolutely crazy and blogging is one of the many things that falls by the way side when I get overwhelmed and busy. But, while the last 3 weeks HAVE been totally overwhelming and busy, they have also been super blessed. 

I fact, I think they've probably been the best 3 weeks I've had since we lost Jude.

I still think of him every day. I still long to hold him in my arms. I still struggle to know how much to share about him with those around me. I still miss him with every fiber of my being,... but I think I'm starting to really learn how to embrace my here and now. Today is what I've been given. I can choose joy despite my circumstances, and focus on all the things I have to be thankful for. 

It is still hard some days; and sometimes I still feel like being truly happy is betraying Jude's memory in some way, but it's getting easier. 

This cutie-face sure helps:

Meet Lola!

I call her my therapy dog. She is too! She's such a snuggle bug.

We got her just a few days before we were moving to Grand Junction. It was totally chaotic and we really questioned our sanity for the first little while, but now we are both SOOOOO glad we got her. She really is a great puppy. My mom keeps saying she's just like Marley, from Marley and Me. She's trouble sometimes, but just look at that face! :-)

She is a Golden Retriever/Brittany Spaniel mix, we got her when she was 11 weeks old, and she's almost 14 weeks now. She's already half again as big as she was when we got her. She and Libby are getting along great (most of the time):

The weekend before we moved, String of Pearls had a butterfly release memorial ceremony for all of their baby loss families. It was a beautiful day at the park, and there was something really magical seeing those butterflies taking off toward our little ones in Heaven. It was also a blessing to chat with and get to know some of the other families there and hear their stories. While I wish that no one else ever had to through what we did with Jude, it's super comforting to know there are others out there that 'get it.' It helps us feel less lonely. Here are a few pictures from the butterfly release:

So now we've been in GJ for two weeks. Everything is going smoothly with our house, it's just a slow process. Right now the closing is set for July 17th, and we're hoping to be able to bump it up a little sooner, but don't know if it will happen. We are SO blessed to be able to stay at my parents house in the mean time. 

I started my job last week and it's going fabulously. It's at the Endoscopy Center that I worked for in college and alot of the staff is the same. It's going to be a great fit for now. I really enjoy the people I'm working with, and it's a very low stress environment; especially compared to where I have been. It's such a blessing!

I'm working alot this month as I get oriented and learn the different roles, but then I should be working about 2-3 days a week. It will be perfect for when we move into our new house and are getting settled. 

In other news....

My honey is a hunk!

He ran the Tough Mudder with some friends on Sunday and had a blast!

We met a bunch of our friends from Parker up at the Beaver Creek ski resort and the studly dudes all ran, while the wifey's did our best to take pictures of them along the way. It was so much fun even just to watch! 

(For those of you who aren't familiar with the Tough Mudder, it's a 12 mile extreme obstacle course race.)

He has me talked into doing it next year if we don't have another wee one on the way yet. 

Other than impressing me with his awesome Tough Muddering prowess Jess has been completely buried in books. He takes his first boards exam in just about 2 weeks now, and has been faithfully studying away. We would both appreciate your prayers that these exams would go well for him!

That's about it for now. I have the day off today and need to get somethings done; including go to the doctor for this super obnoxious cough I've had for a week now. :-(

As life slows down and we're able to get into the groove of routine I'm hoping to find the time to keep up better on here. That may or may not happen until this fall though.

One more picture of my Lola girl for you:

Until next time!

5 months and more.

5 months. 

I can hardly believe it's been that long.

I've been so busy the last few weeks I haven't even had time to process life.

Mother's Day was ok. All our original plans changed when we found a house that we wanted to buy the day before Mother's Day. We made an offer, and stayed in town longer then planned. Jess had to head back home that afternoon, while I stayed to follow through on house stuff. We did get out for a little hike with Libby that morning, which was nice, then I was just busy the rest of the day so it went quickly. 

One of the things that I continue to recognize when we go through a busier stage is that grief can sometimes be delayed when necessary, but it never really gives you a break. I find that when I don't take the time to sit,  remember, process my emotions, and communicate with my hubby, everything may seem ok for a few days but if I continue to put it off, then things WILL crash eventually. I always have to "make up" for any time I try to take off from my grieving process.

Since we knew that Mother's Day itself was likely to be one of those busy times, we took an evening before we left for GJ and made a shadow box with Jude's things in it. They had been set out on the bookshelf, but we wanted a prettier, more permanent way to display his things. Here are a few pictures:

Jude's shadow box

It was nice to go back through all of it and once again touch all the things that he touched, and remember the  joy as well as the pain of it all. I find that as more time passes, I spend less time remembering how difficult this winter was, and more time thinking about how old he would be now. I tend to keep a running tally in my head of how old he would be had he survived his birth in December, or if he'd been born on his due date. It's a blessing and a curse to be so familiar with child development. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't know exactly what milestones I'm missing day by day.

One of the things that has made the last few weeks so busy was our decision to buy a house in GJ instead of rent, and then we immediately had to start looking. This is what we found:

Our (soon to be) house!

It's a fantastic 3 bed 2 1/2 bath home. The interior is in great shape, but the yard needs some serious TLC. Fortunately we like doing yard work anyway. It's in a good location, pretty close to where we'll both be working. We have it under contract now, and are praying that everything goes smoothly with inspections/appraisals and that we can close quickly. We know we'll have to stay at my parents for a few weeks at least, but it's important that we have as smooth of a transition as possible for Jess and his boards studying. We are starting to pack this week, and are moving down there on the 30th; hoping to close on the hosue the 3rd  week in June.

I stayed in GJ for a few extra days for house stuff, and got to celebrate not only Mother's Day with my mama, but also her birthday! It was so fun to be there to celebrate with my family, and we just can't wait until we're there all the time. We went out to Red Mango for her B-day:

THOROUGHLY enjoying our frozen yogurt.

My mom and I then left straight from GJ to go visit my grandmother in Billings, MT. After 90 years of richly blessing her family and friends, her health is starting to fail. Though it was difficult, it was also such a blessing to spend a few days with her. On Sunday we planted her flower garden for her. Flower gardening always has and always will remind me of my beautiful gramma and her passionate love for flowers. Here are a few pictures:

planting Gramma's garden

I TOLD you I've been busy!!!

I just got back home this evening, and will start packing up the house tomorrow. On Thursday, our new puppy arrives, and next Tuesday is moving day! This month has been SO hectic with all my trips back and forth to GJ, stress about the house, my trip to Billings, preparations for a new puppy, and all the usual moving craziness. 

But I've been reminded over and over again that through all the chaos God's plan for us will emerge. There are no accidents, no coincidences. 

This gorgeous bird was just one of those reminders this week. We were at the Billings zoo, this little fellow flashed us his feathers, and mom and I stood there in awe of God's creation. These feather's no more came in to being as an accident then we did; then Jude did. 

Mother's Day challenge

Mother's Day. Ufta.

It may not be recognized by those around us, but: We. Are. Mothers.

Even though last week when I was asked by a well-meaning stranger if I had any children I said no.

I said no and then went home feeling guilty that I had betrayed my baby.

I said no and went home and laid on the floor and cried. 

I cried because I don't HAVE my child.

My husband held me, and told me not to feel guilty. I still did a little bit.

Because I said no. I don't have any children.

But I DID. I had Jude. I had him. He is still my son, and I am still his mama.

So what do I do on Mother's Day in church when the mothers are asked to stand for recognition? 

(I can tell you what I'll do: skip church, and go hiking with my honey.)

What do I do on a day when the world is celebrating what I am,... but what I'm not yet blessed to live as?

I'm not even close to the only one in this predicament. I'm not even close to the only one who hurts on Mother's Day. What about the mama of one or two who had a recent miscarriage and wants that baby's life to be recognized this Mother's Day? What about the woman who has been trying for a baby for years, only to be thwarted by her own body? 

She would give anything to mother her child; to have a baby.

We would die for the opportunity to make the sacrifices that mothers are being honored for on Mother's Day.

I'm sure you can think of someone (other than me). Someone for whom, at the very least this Mother's Day is bittersweet. Here's my challenge to you: 

Reach out to them. Send a card. Take them to coffee. Give them flowers.

DON'T wish them a "Happy Mother's Day!" 

For many of us, "Happy Mother's Day" is a dream lost,... for now at least. It may be a dream we hold on to for the future, but it is not going to be realized this year.

Wish them peace this Mother's Day. Tell them you're thinking of them and their lost baby, or unfulfilled dreams. Tell them you're praying they'll have something to celebrate next Mother's Day. Recognize their pain and longing on this day that is simply joy for much of the world.

Think of a way you can bless a hurting mama or would-love-to-be-a-mama in the next week or two; and DO IT.

I posted this plenty early for you to ponder and pray about the most sensitive way to bless someone. 

So, please, help make this bitter day a little more sweet for someone who may be hurting.

My challenge to myself this Mother's Day is just as the verse on my wall says. 

I need to simply:

BE STILL AND KNOW

THAT HE IS GOD.