facing reality, one breath at a time

11/16/11- "I really wish there was something positive I could say to you, but things just don't look good."

I sat there waiting,... waiting for more. Waiting for that hopeful bit of news the doctor wished he could give us. Everything was so surreal when this nightmare started. For the first few weeks I expected to wake up from it.

Reality is funny like that. There are days when I'm keenly aware of our painful reality almost every moment. Tomorrow will be a day like that (tomorrow will be two weeks). The 21st of every month will be awful for quite some time; especially the 21st of March. Not only will it be the 3 month anniversary of Jude's birth and death, but it was his due date. Mother's day and Father's day will be terrible. There will be horrible days when the painful realty of our loss stares us straight in the face.

But, many days it feel like Jude's life and death were all part a confusing dream/nightmare. Most of the time it's just awful moments of complete realization interspersed throughout "it all feels like a dream" times. Sometimes these moments gut punch us when we least expect it. Like when I go to Target, forget to avoid the baby section, and end up walking straight through it trying not to see all the beautiful things we registered for. Other things are predictable, but no less difficult; like Dr's appointments. I have my first follow-up appointment in a few days. I'm doing my best to prepare myself to see all the happy pregnant ladies waddling in and out while I sit and want nothing more in the whole world than to be counted among their ranks. Reality is stark in those moments, but I pray that they continue to get fewer and farther between.

Reality also means that life moves on. Life pushes us through the hard times. Even when I feel like I've lost all momentum, the sun still rises the next day and the world keeps spinning. My refrigerator needs to be filled, the dog needs to be fed and walked, my husband needs to be fed and walked :-),... These things keep me going physically. Spending time together with Jess, in prayer and the Word, and with family and friends is what keeps me going emotionally and spiritually.

I guess what I'm trying to say with all this rambling is that some moments, hours, and days aren't bad. I can sit with family or friends and laugh; or I can enjoy a good TV show. But rarely an entire hour goes by that I'm not also punched in the face by reality. Sometimes I can recover easily and continue to carry on a conversation, and other times I'm done; TKO, and I just need to remove myself from whatever triggered the onslaught.

Physically I'm doing fairly well now. I just need to have grace with myself as I continue to recover physically and get back in shape. For those of you that have been closely following our prayer requests, a HUGE answer to prayer is that the placenta pathology looked normal (that means it wasn't molar). I'll still have much more intensive follow-up than for normal postpartum; but I'm now expected to recover fully, and Lord willing, will have no more physical complications.

Our time in Grand Junction, with my family, was wonderful. It helped so much to be with family and be busy during the first week and a half. We got home Sunday afternoon, and although I was dreading being home, and just being "us" again, it's been okay. I have alot of difficult projects to do in the next couple of weeks, like packing up my maternity clothes (many of which I never wore), organizing Jude's things, printing pictures for photo albums, and all that stuff. It will be good to get them done, but they're going to be really hard to do. I don't have to go back to work until the end of the month, so I should be able to have plenty of time to rest. I'm also tentatively looking for new jobs again and trying to decide what to do with myself for the next couple of years. I'm also considering re-applying for the nurse practitioner program that I turned down a few months ago because we were expecting Jude. It's complex because we don't know where we'll be next year, but I'm moving forward with making a change one way or another. I'm not planning on working at my current job past April.

To wrap things up, here a a few pictures of the last few weeks.

In the hospital. We'll get the professional pictures back in a few weeks, and I'll share more then.

A few of his tiny footprints

Treasured moments

On the Monument, celebrating our 5th anniversary

Not the best picture of it, but this is a tattoo I've wanted for a few years. I thought now would be the perfect time to get it, along with Jude's footprint. It hurt like the dickens to get it there, but I love it!

Thanks for reading this monstrosity. I never plan on my blogs being as long as they are. I just start rambling and then have a hard time stopping. Please continue to pray for us as we struggle through each day.