Thank you all so much for your prayers this week. The peace that we have felt through this painful time can be explained only by the presence of the Prince of Peace. It amazes us how much joy and calm we have experienced when we expected nothing but sorrow. There IS sorrow and pain at the loss of our sweet baby boy; but there is also joy in the knowledge that Jude is experiencing his first Christmas with the birthday boy Himself.
Jude came at 6:35am on December 21st. He was already with Jesus. He weighed in at just under a pound, 14.8 ounces, and was 12 inches tall. And though his tiny body was broken and twisted, clearly not made for this world, he was beautiful. The delivery went as smoothly as possible, and many of our fears were calmed when the placenta separated easily and delivered completely. We will get the pathology results back for the placenta in another week or so, to find out for certain whether or not the placenta was molar, but the Dr. was encouraged that it looked relatively healthy. Our doctor and the nurses that worked with us were fantastic; we could not have asked for better which was a HUGE blessing. As a nurse, it's very difficult to be on the other side of the medical experience and they made it as comfortable as possible.
We had most of that day to spend with Jude before the funeral home came for him. We prayed over him, read books to him, Dad dedicated him, grandparents all got to hold him, we had a photographer come, we got tons of tiny footprints, and we got to bundle him up in tiny clothes and a beautiful blanket his grandma made for him. It was a beautiful and heartbreaking time. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We are in Grand Junction now, enjoying time with my family. The waves of sadness certainly come, but the joy of being with family and Christmas are dominant. Several things we would appreciate prayer for are:
- Pray that I would have grace with myself during this time of physical healing. I have a tendency to want to push myself too hard.
- My milk is just starting to come in. I'm using all the tricks of the trade to help, but it is going to be very painful for a while. Please pray that this would be manageable and not emotionally overwhelming.
- Pray for emotional strength and healing for both Jess and I.
- Please pray that we would not be overwhelmed by fear about what the future may hold for my job and for our family.
- Give thanks for the promises of hope that we have received throughout this week.
- Give thanks for the massive support that we have received from family, friends, church body, and even hospital staff.
- Give thanks that the delivery went smoothly.
- Give thanks for the peace that we have felt and the knowledge that Jude is with Jesus.
I have one hopeful thought to share before I sign off: Jude was born as the sun was beginning to rise on the day before the winter solstice (when the light begins to increase each day). I feel like God orchestrated this timing as a promise of hope for our future. The light is coming back into our lives. There is hope for our future. God will use this experience and Jude's life to bring light into other people's lives. As much as we are heartbroken right now, we are also filled with hope.
Thank you all for your faithful prayers. Hope you have a wonderful Christmas.
Thanks you Father for the gift of your beautiful son. Help us all to appreciate the enormity of the sacrifice that you made in sending Him down to this broken world. Thank you for the hope of new life that Christmas brings.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Hard decisions
Hi all,
It's time for another update I suppose. Life just keeps plodding on,... and we along with it. Things ARE getting easier I think. It still depends on the day, and I think that will be true for many months to come. But there are "ok" days along with the really hard ones,... and the "ok" days are becoming more common. There are still things that hit us really hard occasionally, but we're learning to cope with the requirements of life.
Jess has been doing well keeping up with school. When we think about everything that has presented a challenge for him this year, we realize that it's truly the grace of God, and the power of prayer that has enabled him to keep up with his studies as well as he has. It's a huge blessing that in the midst of our current difficulties, we don't also need to worry about med school; God seems to be taking care of that. Work for me has been more difficult, but a HUGE answer to prayer is that my boss has been very gracious and is allowing me to dip into my FMLA leave and work part time for a while. I'm hoping to get my hours back up in the next few weeks (I'm starting to get stressed about falling behind with clients), but if there are days I just can't go, I now have the freedom to do that. Another blessing that we are attributing to the power of prayer and a mighty God.
The biggest challange we are now facing is making the medical decisions that need to be made. My greatest wish right now is that Jesus would return today. I must admit that I've always enjoyed life in this world enough that the next was rarely on my mind. Now I realize just how broken this world is and Jess and I find ourselves longing for Jesus' return. How amazing would it be if we were all able to leave this place and enter the pearly gates together? All three of us, while our family unit is still whole?
Since we realize that the chance of this is slim, we are trying our best to prepare for these medical decisions. The issue is incredibly complex, and I know that no matter what our ultmate decision is there are people who will disagree with it. I want to share with you some of the basic things we are facing, and what we are feeling about it. If you have more questions feel free to contact us, but with questions only please. One thing we certainly can NOT handle right now is alot of people coming to us with their own opinions about our situation. Trust me, we are seeking wisdom and Godly counsel from many people that we respect and trust. If we want your opinion, we will come to you and ask for it. We continue to crave your prayers and messages of support and encouragement.
The boiled down medical picture is this: without God's miraculous intervention on a very grand scale, there is not hope for Jude to have a life on this earth. His specific anomalies are not compatible with life. While some babies with triploidy have been known to live for a few months, that is not a possibility for Jude. He will be born still, or die within his first breath. The risks for me as I continue to carry Jude are significant and potentially life threatening. Triploidy pregnancies are associated with something called partial molar pregnancies, which can in turn cause a cancer called Choriocarcinoma. As I continue to carry Jude, the risk of cancer grows. There is no way to test for a molar pregnancy until after birth, but the chances look high for me according to the appearance of the placenta. We have no statistics or percentages to guide us. Our situation is too unusual. We only know that there are high associations. Another big concern is the chance of requiring a C-section to deliver Jude if he continues to grow. Right now he is only about half the size of a healthy 24 weeker, and is growing very slowly, but there is no way to predict his growth in the coming weeks and months. If he doubles his current size then it is unlikely that I'll be able to deliver him naturally because he will not be able to come into a position conducive to birth. And because he is so small and deep in the pelvic cavity, they would have to do a type of C-section that carries much higher risks than the normal procedure. It would likely remove our chances to have children in the future. These are the two primary risks that we are facing, but I'm hypothetically also at higher risks for any other complications that normal pregnancies can face. That may seem like alot of info, but believe me when I tell you that this is the simple version of the story.
We are facing the decision of weighing the risks, and deciding whether or not we will induce Jude early in order to minimize the risks to myself and future children. We are not facing the decision between two viable lives. If there was any glimmer of hope that Jude would live, even for a few hours, days, or weeks, our decision would be to give him that chance and take the risk. However we are faced with a more diffcult decision. We know that Jude will go to Jesus in March at the very latest. We must decide if we have the freedom to allow him to go to Jesus sooner than that.
At this point, many of the most wise and Biblically knowledgable people that we know have counseled us that there is no right or wrong decision in this situation. And though there are times that we wish there was a passage in the Bible that said: "if you have a baby with a fatal diagnosis and it puts the mother's life at great risk....... then you should:________." We know that the God we serve does not work that way. He gave us the Holy Spirit for just these kinds of situations. We have not made our decision yet. We are hoping for more information at a doctors appointment on Tuesday, and have another ultrasound scheduled for just after Christmas to see how much Jude is growing. We are seeking God's will for Jude and our family. We are hurting and we are scared, but we want to be in God's will even if that means saying goodbye to Jude sooner rather than later, or even if that means trusting Him to pretect my life for the next 3 months.
Please continue to pray. Pray for protection from the attacks of the devil during this vulnerable time. I am struggling with alot of guilt (I recognize that there is potential for great guilt in the future no matter what our decision is. Either guilt for Jude, or guilt for the other children we might have had), and I know that it is not from God. Pray that we would continue to just seek God's will and not allow ourselves to become paralized by fear and pain. Pray that the doctors and the people we seek spiritual counsel from would have supernatural wisdom to share with us. Pray that God would either reveal His will to us, or give us peace with the freedom to make a decision.
Honestly, our greatest prayer right now is that this decision would be taken from us. We are praying that God would take him home to Heaven where he will have a whole body and an eternal life full of love and joy. We will meet him up there someday, and what a reunion that will be! I will long for that day for the rest of my life.
Thank you all for your faithfulness in praying for our little family. We appreciate it more than we could ever say.
It's time for another update I suppose. Life just keeps plodding on,... and we along with it. Things ARE getting easier I think. It still depends on the day, and I think that will be true for many months to come. But there are "ok" days along with the really hard ones,... and the "ok" days are becoming more common. There are still things that hit us really hard occasionally, but we're learning to cope with the requirements of life.
Jess has been doing well keeping up with school. When we think about everything that has presented a challenge for him this year, we realize that it's truly the grace of God, and the power of prayer that has enabled him to keep up with his studies as well as he has. It's a huge blessing that in the midst of our current difficulties, we don't also need to worry about med school; God seems to be taking care of that. Work for me has been more difficult, but a HUGE answer to prayer is that my boss has been very gracious and is allowing me to dip into my FMLA leave and work part time for a while. I'm hoping to get my hours back up in the next few weeks (I'm starting to get stressed about falling behind with clients), but if there are days I just can't go, I now have the freedom to do that. Another blessing that we are attributing to the power of prayer and a mighty God.
The biggest challange we are now facing is making the medical decisions that need to be made. My greatest wish right now is that Jesus would return today. I must admit that I've always enjoyed life in this world enough that the next was rarely on my mind. Now I realize just how broken this world is and Jess and I find ourselves longing for Jesus' return. How amazing would it be if we were all able to leave this place and enter the pearly gates together? All three of us, while our family unit is still whole?
Since we realize that the chance of this is slim, we are trying our best to prepare for these medical decisions. The issue is incredibly complex, and I know that no matter what our ultmate decision is there are people who will disagree with it. I want to share with you some of the basic things we are facing, and what we are feeling about it. If you have more questions feel free to contact us, but with questions only please. One thing we certainly can NOT handle right now is alot of people coming to us with their own opinions about our situation. Trust me, we are seeking wisdom and Godly counsel from many people that we respect and trust. If we want your opinion, we will come to you and ask for it. We continue to crave your prayers and messages of support and encouragement.
The boiled down medical picture is this: without God's miraculous intervention on a very grand scale, there is not hope for Jude to have a life on this earth. His specific anomalies are not compatible with life. While some babies with triploidy have been known to live for a few months, that is not a possibility for Jude. He will be born still, or die within his first breath. The risks for me as I continue to carry Jude are significant and potentially life threatening. Triploidy pregnancies are associated with something called partial molar pregnancies, which can in turn cause a cancer called Choriocarcinoma. As I continue to carry Jude, the risk of cancer grows. There is no way to test for a molar pregnancy until after birth, but the chances look high for me according to the appearance of the placenta. We have no statistics or percentages to guide us. Our situation is too unusual. We only know that there are high associations. Another big concern is the chance of requiring a C-section to deliver Jude if he continues to grow. Right now he is only about half the size of a healthy 24 weeker, and is growing very slowly, but there is no way to predict his growth in the coming weeks and months. If he doubles his current size then it is unlikely that I'll be able to deliver him naturally because he will not be able to come into a position conducive to birth. And because he is so small and deep in the pelvic cavity, they would have to do a type of C-section that carries much higher risks than the normal procedure. It would likely remove our chances to have children in the future. These are the two primary risks that we are facing, but I'm hypothetically also at higher risks for any other complications that normal pregnancies can face. That may seem like alot of info, but believe me when I tell you that this is the simple version of the story.
We are facing the decision of weighing the risks, and deciding whether or not we will induce Jude early in order to minimize the risks to myself and future children. We are not facing the decision between two viable lives. If there was any glimmer of hope that Jude would live, even for a few hours, days, or weeks, our decision would be to give him that chance and take the risk. However we are faced with a more diffcult decision. We know that Jude will go to Jesus in March at the very latest. We must decide if we have the freedom to allow him to go to Jesus sooner than that.
At this point, many of the most wise and Biblically knowledgable people that we know have counseled us that there is no right or wrong decision in this situation. And though there are times that we wish there was a passage in the Bible that said: "if you have a baby with a fatal diagnosis and it puts the mother's life at great risk....... then you should:________." We know that the God we serve does not work that way. He gave us the Holy Spirit for just these kinds of situations. We have not made our decision yet. We are hoping for more information at a doctors appointment on Tuesday, and have another ultrasound scheduled for just after Christmas to see how much Jude is growing. We are seeking God's will for Jude and our family. We are hurting and we are scared, but we want to be in God's will even if that means saying goodbye to Jude sooner rather than later, or even if that means trusting Him to pretect my life for the next 3 months.
Please continue to pray. Pray for protection from the attacks of the devil during this vulnerable time. I am struggling with alot of guilt (I recognize that there is potential for great guilt in the future no matter what our decision is. Either guilt for Jude, or guilt for the other children we might have had), and I know that it is not from God. Pray that we would continue to just seek God's will and not allow ourselves to become paralized by fear and pain. Pray that the doctors and the people we seek spiritual counsel from would have supernatural wisdom to share with us. Pray that God would either reveal His will to us, or give us peace with the freedom to make a decision.
Honestly, our greatest prayer right now is that this decision would be taken from us. We are praying that God would take him home to Heaven where he will have a whole body and an eternal life full of love and joy. We will meet him up there someday, and what a reunion that will be! I will long for that day for the rest of my life.
Thank you all for your faithfulness in praying for our little family. We appreciate it more than we could ever say.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thanksgiving despite
This time last year I wrote a blog post about Thankfulness. I had just gotten a job, Jess was doing well in medical school, we were making great friends, God was providing for our needs, and things were cheerful in the Anderson household. In that blog I asked if our feelings of being thankful was merely due to our circumstances, or if it was really the product of a heart that was thankful for a loving God and His sacrifice. Well, that is certainly being tested this year.
I had to call in to work again today because I simply couldn't stop the tears this morning. Jess and I sat and he held me as I shed tears for my beautiful son and all the things I will never see him do. Tears from the pain of knowing I'll never see Jude smile. Tears from the pain of never knowing if he would have inherited his daddy's beautiful blue eyes and dimples. Tears from the pain of knowing he could never wear the cute little monster hat I crocheted for him because when he is born two of his entire body will probably fit in that hat. Tears that he'll never have a first word, first step, first day of school, first date, first kiss,.... probably not even a first breath. So many things he'll never do.... and tears for each one.
I WANT to be thankful this year. I want to be thankful for the time that we DO have with Jude. But I am struggling. We are both struggling. We will likely never understand completely why this has happened; why God allowed these circumstances to steal away our little boy. But we WANT to be thankful anyway. Does wanting to be thankful count for something?
There certainly are things that we are thankful for. We are intensely thankful for each other this year. We are intensely thankful for our family, both biological and spiritual. It may sound silly, but we are intensely thankful for our goofy pooch. But, I am certainly struggling with the verse 1 Thessalonians 5:18. "Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I realize that this verse doesn't say to be thankful ABOUT all circumstances, but even being thankful IN our circumstances is a challenge. How to be thankful despite so much pain?
I wish I had answers. Fortunately, our God is a gracious God. THIS I am thankful for without reserve.
Please continue to pray for our family through the holiday weekend. We feel like we should be starting to feel better, but the waves of pain continue to crash over us intensely. This week has continued to be excruciating. We know that the pain will become manageable eventually, but it is not yet. There are so many things on our minds, and decisions that need to be made. Prayers for peace over the holiday are much needed.
A few updated prayer requests are:
- Pray for us as we begin to make decisions and try to get things in order for Jude's unpredictable arrival. (Things like burial vs. cremation, arranging a photographer for the hospital, finding micro-preemie clothes small enough for a 1 lb or less baby, whether or not to do maternity pictures, etc)
- Pray that God would give us supernatural wisdom as we face the balancing act of carrying Jude as long as my body will allow, while not jeopardizing my health and future children more than necessary.
- And as I said previously, prayer that the pain would start to become manageable. And that there would begin to be times of enjoying Jude in between the waves.
These as well as the requests listed in my previous two blogs.
Thank you all so much, it is an encouragement to us to see how many people are reading our blog. If even a fraction of you are praying for us faithfully then we know that we are being lifted up by an army of prayer warriors. Love you all, and have a Happy Thanksgiving,
Jenn
I had to call in to work again today because I simply couldn't stop the tears this morning. Jess and I sat and he held me as I shed tears for my beautiful son and all the things I will never see him do. Tears from the pain of knowing I'll never see Jude smile. Tears from the pain of never knowing if he would have inherited his daddy's beautiful blue eyes and dimples. Tears from the pain of knowing he could never wear the cute little monster hat I crocheted for him because when he is born two of his entire body will probably fit in that hat. Tears that he'll never have a first word, first step, first day of school, first date, first kiss,.... probably not even a first breath. So many things he'll never do.... and tears for each one.
I WANT to be thankful this year. I want to be thankful for the time that we DO have with Jude. But I am struggling. We are both struggling. We will likely never understand completely why this has happened; why God allowed these circumstances to steal away our little boy. But we WANT to be thankful anyway. Does wanting to be thankful count for something?
There certainly are things that we are thankful for. We are intensely thankful for each other this year. We are intensely thankful for our family, both biological and spiritual. It may sound silly, but we are intensely thankful for our goofy pooch. But, I am certainly struggling with the verse 1 Thessalonians 5:18. "Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I realize that this verse doesn't say to be thankful ABOUT all circumstances, but even being thankful IN our circumstances is a challenge. How to be thankful despite so much pain?
I wish I had answers. Fortunately, our God is a gracious God. THIS I am thankful for without reserve.
Please continue to pray for our family through the holiday weekend. We feel like we should be starting to feel better, but the waves of pain continue to crash over us intensely. This week has continued to be excruciating. We know that the pain will become manageable eventually, but it is not yet. There are so many things on our minds, and decisions that need to be made. Prayers for peace over the holiday are much needed.
A few updated prayer requests are:
- Pray for us as we begin to make decisions and try to get things in order for Jude's unpredictable arrival. (Things like burial vs. cremation, arranging a photographer for the hospital, finding micro-preemie clothes small enough for a 1 lb or less baby, whether or not to do maternity pictures, etc)
- Pray that God would give us supernatural wisdom as we face the balancing act of carrying Jude as long as my body will allow, while not jeopardizing my health and future children more than necessary.
- And as I said previously, prayer that the pain would start to become manageable. And that there would begin to be times of enjoying Jude in between the waves.
These as well as the requests listed in my previous two blogs.
Thank you all so much, it is an encouragement to us to see how many people are reading our blog. If even a fraction of you are praying for us faithfully then we know that we are being lifted up by an army of prayer warriors. Love you all, and have a Happy Thanksgiving,
Jenn
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Jude - Triploidy
Thanks everyone for your responses of support to my last blog. We have truly felt the arms of the body of Christ encircling us and enabling us to get through this time.
I will try to be brief since my last post was so long. We got the amniocentesis results back yesterday. Jude has a very rare chromosomal abnormality called Triploidy. That means that Jude has 3 of each chromosome instead of 2. Most babies conceived with this anomaly are miscarried very early on, but a rare few survive to term. At this point, there is about a 50% chance that I will carry Jude to term, or close to it. These babies are usually still-born, but can survive delivery for a short time, usually minutes to hours. With the condition that Jude's little body is in at this point it seems nearly impossibly that he could come into position for a natural delivery, so will have to be delivered by C-section if he grows much more.
This opens up new fears for us. Jess worries about the greater risk and more difficult recovery a C-section places me in. I fear grieving the final loss of Jude while recovering from major abdominal surgery. I also fear that if he is born alive that he will have gone to Jesus before I am stitched up and can hold him. Prayer for these fears would be greatly appreciated, along with all of the prayer requests mentioned in my previous blog.
One thing struck us this morning as we were reading through Psalms and praying together: God understands our pain. He also lost a son. And not only did He loose His son, but He knowingly and willingly sacrificed His son FOR US. It makes God's sacrifice that much more meaningful as we are experiencing the pain of loosing our own beautiful Jude.
Thank you God for your sacrifice for us. We understand now just how incredibly painful it must have been for your to turn your face. We also understand a little bit better the love you must have for us, exemplified by your sacrifice. Though it is difficult to comprehend right now, that you love us and want what is best for us, we trust that you do. Forgive us our unbelief, and assist us to trust you more and more each day of this journey. Thank you for your love.
I will try to be brief since my last post was so long. We got the amniocentesis results back yesterday. Jude has a very rare chromosomal abnormality called Triploidy. That means that Jude has 3 of each chromosome instead of 2. Most babies conceived with this anomaly are miscarried very early on, but a rare few survive to term. At this point, there is about a 50% chance that I will carry Jude to term, or close to it. These babies are usually still-born, but can survive delivery for a short time, usually minutes to hours. With the condition that Jude's little body is in at this point it seems nearly impossibly that he could come into position for a natural delivery, so will have to be delivered by C-section if he grows much more.
This opens up new fears for us. Jess worries about the greater risk and more difficult recovery a C-section places me in. I fear grieving the final loss of Jude while recovering from major abdominal surgery. I also fear that if he is born alive that he will have gone to Jesus before I am stitched up and can hold him. Prayer for these fears would be greatly appreciated, along with all of the prayer requests mentioned in my previous blog.
One thing struck us this morning as we were reading through Psalms and praying together: God understands our pain. He also lost a son. And not only did He loose His son, but He knowingly and willingly sacrificed His son FOR US. It makes God's sacrifice that much more meaningful as we are experiencing the pain of loosing our own beautiful Jude.
Thank you God for your sacrifice for us. We understand now just how incredibly painful it must have been for your to turn your face. We also understand a little bit better the love you must have for us, exemplified by your sacrifice. Though it is difficult to comprehend right now, that you love us and want what is best for us, we trust that you do. Forgive us our unbelief, and assist us to trust you more and more each day of this journey. Thank you for your love.
Friday, November 18, 2011
broken world = broken lives
Some of you may know the events of the last week and a half in our lives. It has been a painful rollercoaster, and there is no immediate end in sight.
The truths that we are clinging to:
God IS good
He loves us
He loves Jude
He is hurting with us right now
He is the great physician
He never planned for this to happen, it is the consequence of living in a broken world
There is nothing we could have done to avoid our situation (no guilt allowed)
There is happiness and life for our family beyond this time of pain
God has a plan to use this for His glory
We have been so blessed by our dear family, friends, and church family. We literally could not have made it through this hellish time without the prayers that have been sent up for us. There have been and will continue to be many tears and much sorrow, but our ability to get through the last few days can only be attributed to your prayers and we are deeply grateful.
For those that don't know our situation:
Last week we had our routine anatomy scan for Jude. We scheduled it on my birthday (11/08) thinking that it would be a fun time of enjoying our beautiful baby boy. Throughout the ultrasound the tech was very quiet, and simply stated that she was concerned about his growth. At that point we only knew that he was lagging in growth, and that his abdominal circumference was VERY behind. But we were trusting that Jude was ok, and just growing at his own pace. It was a restless week between appointments, but I was feeling him move a kick constantly, and Jess even felt him move for the first time, so we were able to cling to some peace.
Tuesday (11/15) we saw the perinatologist (mom-baby complications specialist). On the ultrasound at that visit they clearly saw that Jude has at least 3 clubbed and contractured limbs, he's lagging even furthur in growth (less than the 3rd percentile), has an underdeveloped lower jaw bone, and what appears to be an enlarged and 2-3 chambered heart. In short, his tiny little body is very very broken. Our very kind doctor sat us down at that point and explained the most likely diagnoses. Top on the list is a Chromosomal disorder, and most likely of those is Trisomy 13 or 18. Both of these are fatal disorders. Next on the list is a rare genetic disorder called Arthrogryposis. Children with Arthrogryposis can live, but have a short lifespan full of surgeries, wheelchairs, and much physical pain. The doctor soon mentioned the possibility of terminating the pregnancy, which we simply said is not an option, and that anytime we get with our little guy is a blessing, even if we never meet face to face. The words came out of our mouths easily, but the full implications had not hit us yet, and small realizations of impossible hopes and dreams will continue to gut-punch us over the next few weeks and months.
Yesterday (11/17) I had an amniocentesis. At first we struggled with whether or not this was the best decision for Jude because of the significant risk for pre-term labor and miscarriage. It is difficult to make big decisions with a clear mind when your entire world was just flipped upside-down. Our doctor explained that having a more clear idea of what is causing Jude's body to break would help make important decisions in the future about whether or not they need to be prepared to treat him after birth, or if it would just be inflicting unnecessary pain on him. It will also determine where I deliver. If his condition offers some hope for survival they will have me deliver at The Children's Hospital in Denver. This is something that University Hospital and Children's Hospital occasionally make special arrangements for in order to rush a baby immediately to surgery and give them the best chances possible.
The amnio went fine. It's not a pleasant procedure by any means (they enter the uterus with an aspiration needle through the abdominal wall to retrieve amniotic fluid to test), especially as they don't use any anesthetic, but the knowledge of what they are doing and the risk that it carries is much worse that the procedure itself. If in two weeks I haven't gone into pre-term labor, then the risks from the amnio will be past. We should get some preliminary results for the more common chromosomal abnormalities (relatively speaking) by Sat (11/19) or Sun (11/20). The complete results for other even more rare chromosomal abnormalities will come back in about 10 days, so next weekend.
At this point Jess and I are resigning ourselves to the idea that if we do have time with Jude after his birth, it will be very short and it is highly unlikely that we will ever be able to bring him home. It is easier for us to believe that he will be home with Jesus before he can come home with us, simply because it would be much too painful to continue accumulating baby stuff and prepare for a homecoming on such a small chance of it happening. We do believe in a Healer God, however hanging on to hope for a future with Jude right now would make coping with our reality simply impossible.
The people in our lives have rallied around us and supported us beyond what we could have imagined. Though feeling so loved brings out tears, it does help enormously. There is an army praying for us, and we truly believe that those prayers are what has carried us through the last few tumultuous days, and they are the only thing that will carry us through the coming weeks, months, and years. Some specific prayer requests you can lift up for us are:
- For Jess as he is back in school and seeing people that know about the pregnancy, but not our current circumstances.
- For Jess as he is studying in the following days and weeks, that he will be able to concentrate and continue to be successful at school.
- That Jess' professors will offer him grace in his work as we continue to struggle through the following months.
- For me as I go back to work next week, that God would guide me to be gracious in explaining our new story (especially for interactions with the other pregnant girl at work, who I've talked "pregnancy talk" with.)
- That my boss would be understanding of some limitations I may have in my regular tasks, and help reassign some of my more difficult clients.
- That I would be able to have an extra measure of grace and compassion on the families that I work with and their children. And that the difficult family situations I work with would not trigger emotions of anger, jealousy, or sorrow.
- That our doctors would continue to show great compassion and have supernatural wisdom about our situation. That they would be able to give us "enough" information to make decisions but not too much to swallow. Also that they would help us tread the fine line of being parents but also sometimes having too much knowledge from being healthcare professionals.
- That we would somehow be able to continue to enjoy this time of pregnancy and carrying Jude. That I would feel love and joy instead of sorrow when I feel him move and kick.
- That God would give us guidance in how to manage the next four months of pregnancy and "having" Jude in our lives, while knowing what is on the horizon for us all as a family.
- That Jess and I would be able to continue to love and support each other as needed through this difficult time.
- Prayer for our emotional and mental health in the future as we cope with a difficult and confusing situation.
- Thanksgiving that God has provided us with such an amazing support system. Thanksgiving for the Body of Christ in action.
- Thanksgiving for our immediate families and their understanding and love. Thanksgiving that my mom was able to come be with us this week.
- Thanksgiving for the time that we DO have with Jude; no matter how short or long it is.
- Thanksgiving for the strong marriage that God has blessed us with, and our ability so far to support each other just as we each have needed.
- Thanksgiving that we have relationships with a God that loves us and wants good for us.
- Thanksgiving for the knowledge that God WILL use this for good, and that our pain will not be fruitless.
I could go on for miles with prayer requests, but these are some that are at the front of my mind right now. God knows what we need, and will grant us with the strength to take each day as it comes.
Thanks for reading and supporting us in prayer. There are a few things that we would like to ask of you in the coming days. These requests may change as time goes on and we will update you as they do, but for right now this is how you can best support us:
We crave your prayers, and the knowledge that you are praying. We would love to hear from you that we are in your thoughts, but NOT in a public forum. Private Facebook messages of encouragement are welcome and helpful, but PLEASE nothing on our public walls. As we begin to re-enter our "real lives" and interact with you all, we can speak about our situation with you in private arenas, we will accept hugs and words of encouragement, but please only in private. Our emotions are too raw to interact this way with others around. We can't handle any extra emotion triggers in public. We love our church family dearly, but when we come back to church again is a few weeks, please, as best you can, go about "business as usual." It may sound strange but it is too emotionally charged to be loved on in public. We believe that at this time we will be able to cope best if people pray and love on us in one-on-one private situations only so that we are not constant blubbering messes in front of large groups of people. As odd as it may sound, especially as I continue to look more and more pregnant, you can support us best by ignoring my pregnant state in public. Again, in private, you are welcome to be more personal, however around others we can't emotionally stay strong with frequent comments about my pregnancy.
We love you all and know that we are loved in return. Thank-you for reading this, sorry it's so long but the writing of it has been therapeutic for me. Please continue to pray for us, as we have a very long road ahead.
Thank you again for your support and sensitivity to our requests.
Jenn
The truths that we are clinging to:
God IS good
He loves us
He loves Jude
He is hurting with us right now
He is the great physician
He never planned for this to happen, it is the consequence of living in a broken world
There is nothing we could have done to avoid our situation (no guilt allowed)
There is happiness and life for our family beyond this time of pain
God has a plan to use this for His glory
We have been so blessed by our dear family, friends, and church family. We literally could not have made it through this hellish time without the prayers that have been sent up for us. There have been and will continue to be many tears and much sorrow, but our ability to get through the last few days can only be attributed to your prayers and we are deeply grateful.
For those that don't know our situation:
Last week we had our routine anatomy scan for Jude. We scheduled it on my birthday (11/08) thinking that it would be a fun time of enjoying our beautiful baby boy. Throughout the ultrasound the tech was very quiet, and simply stated that she was concerned about his growth. At that point we only knew that he was lagging in growth, and that his abdominal circumference was VERY behind. But we were trusting that Jude was ok, and just growing at his own pace. It was a restless week between appointments, but I was feeling him move a kick constantly, and Jess even felt him move for the first time, so we were able to cling to some peace.
Tuesday (11/15) we saw the perinatologist (mom-baby complications specialist). On the ultrasound at that visit they clearly saw that Jude has at least 3 clubbed and contractured limbs, he's lagging even furthur in growth (less than the 3rd percentile), has an underdeveloped lower jaw bone, and what appears to be an enlarged and 2-3 chambered heart. In short, his tiny little body is very very broken. Our very kind doctor sat us down at that point and explained the most likely diagnoses. Top on the list is a Chromosomal disorder, and most likely of those is Trisomy 13 or 18. Both of these are fatal disorders. Next on the list is a rare genetic disorder called Arthrogryposis. Children with Arthrogryposis can live, but have a short lifespan full of surgeries, wheelchairs, and much physical pain. The doctor soon mentioned the possibility of terminating the pregnancy, which we simply said is not an option, and that anytime we get with our little guy is a blessing, even if we never meet face to face. The words came out of our mouths easily, but the full implications had not hit us yet, and small realizations of impossible hopes and dreams will continue to gut-punch us over the next few weeks and months.
Yesterday (11/17) I had an amniocentesis. At first we struggled with whether or not this was the best decision for Jude because of the significant risk for pre-term labor and miscarriage. It is difficult to make big decisions with a clear mind when your entire world was just flipped upside-down. Our doctor explained that having a more clear idea of what is causing Jude's body to break would help make important decisions in the future about whether or not they need to be prepared to treat him after birth, or if it would just be inflicting unnecessary pain on him. It will also determine where I deliver. If his condition offers some hope for survival they will have me deliver at The Children's Hospital in Denver. This is something that University Hospital and Children's Hospital occasionally make special arrangements for in order to rush a baby immediately to surgery and give them the best chances possible.
The amnio went fine. It's not a pleasant procedure by any means (they enter the uterus with an aspiration needle through the abdominal wall to retrieve amniotic fluid to test), especially as they don't use any anesthetic, but the knowledge of what they are doing and the risk that it carries is much worse that the procedure itself. If in two weeks I haven't gone into pre-term labor, then the risks from the amnio will be past. We should get some preliminary results for the more common chromosomal abnormalities (relatively speaking) by Sat (11/19) or Sun (11/20). The complete results for other even more rare chromosomal abnormalities will come back in about 10 days, so next weekend.
At this point Jess and I are resigning ourselves to the idea that if we do have time with Jude after his birth, it will be very short and it is highly unlikely that we will ever be able to bring him home. It is easier for us to believe that he will be home with Jesus before he can come home with us, simply because it would be much too painful to continue accumulating baby stuff and prepare for a homecoming on such a small chance of it happening. We do believe in a Healer God, however hanging on to hope for a future with Jude right now would make coping with our reality simply impossible.
The people in our lives have rallied around us and supported us beyond what we could have imagined. Though feeling so loved brings out tears, it does help enormously. There is an army praying for us, and we truly believe that those prayers are what has carried us through the last few tumultuous days, and they are the only thing that will carry us through the coming weeks, months, and years. Some specific prayer requests you can lift up for us are:
- For Jess as he is back in school and seeing people that know about the pregnancy, but not our current circumstances.
- For Jess as he is studying in the following days and weeks, that he will be able to concentrate and continue to be successful at school.
- That Jess' professors will offer him grace in his work as we continue to struggle through the following months.
- For me as I go back to work next week, that God would guide me to be gracious in explaining our new story (especially for interactions with the other pregnant girl at work, who I've talked "pregnancy talk" with.)
- That my boss would be understanding of some limitations I may have in my regular tasks, and help reassign some of my more difficult clients.
- That I would be able to have an extra measure of grace and compassion on the families that I work with and their children. And that the difficult family situations I work with would not trigger emotions of anger, jealousy, or sorrow.
- That our doctors would continue to show great compassion and have supernatural wisdom about our situation. That they would be able to give us "enough" information to make decisions but not too much to swallow. Also that they would help us tread the fine line of being parents but also sometimes having too much knowledge from being healthcare professionals.
- That we would somehow be able to continue to enjoy this time of pregnancy and carrying Jude. That I would feel love and joy instead of sorrow when I feel him move and kick.
- That God would give us guidance in how to manage the next four months of pregnancy and "having" Jude in our lives, while knowing what is on the horizon for us all as a family.
- That Jess and I would be able to continue to love and support each other as needed through this difficult time.
- Prayer for our emotional and mental health in the future as we cope with a difficult and confusing situation.
- Thanksgiving that God has provided us with such an amazing support system. Thanksgiving for the Body of Christ in action.
- Thanksgiving for our immediate families and their understanding and love. Thanksgiving that my mom was able to come be with us this week.
- Thanksgiving for the time that we DO have with Jude; no matter how short or long it is.
- Thanksgiving for the strong marriage that God has blessed us with, and our ability so far to support each other just as we each have needed.
- Thanksgiving that we have relationships with a God that loves us and wants good for us.
- Thanksgiving for the knowledge that God WILL use this for good, and that our pain will not be fruitless.
I could go on for miles with prayer requests, but these are some that are at the front of my mind right now. God knows what we need, and will grant us with the strength to take each day as it comes.
Thanks for reading and supporting us in prayer. There are a few things that we would like to ask of you in the coming days. These requests may change as time goes on and we will update you as they do, but for right now this is how you can best support us:
We crave your prayers, and the knowledge that you are praying. We would love to hear from you that we are in your thoughts, but NOT in a public forum. Private Facebook messages of encouragement are welcome and helpful, but PLEASE nothing on our public walls. As we begin to re-enter our "real lives" and interact with you all, we can speak about our situation with you in private arenas, we will accept hugs and words of encouragement, but please only in private. Our emotions are too raw to interact this way with others around. We can't handle any extra emotion triggers in public. We love our church family dearly, but when we come back to church again is a few weeks, please, as best you can, go about "business as usual." It may sound strange but it is too emotionally charged to be loved on in public. We believe that at this time we will be able to cope best if people pray and love on us in one-on-one private situations only so that we are not constant blubbering messes in front of large groups of people. As odd as it may sound, especially as I continue to look more and more pregnant, you can support us best by ignoring my pregnant state in public. Again, in private, you are welcome to be more personal, however around others we can't emotionally stay strong with frequent comments about my pregnancy.
We love you all and know that we are loved in return. Thank-you for reading this, sorry it's so long but the writing of it has been therapeutic for me. Please continue to pray for us, as we have a very long road ahead.
Thank you again for your support and sensitivity to our requests.
Jenn
Monday, September 19, 2011
Oh Baby!
Well, I’m sure you’ve heard by now that the Anderson Household will be expanding by two feet in March :-)
We’re very excited to say the least. It took us a little longer to get here than we though it would. Just one of the things that has made this last year challenging; but God’s timing is perfect! This resolves the job vs. school vs. moving to Grand Junction dilemma for me/us and makes decisions about the immediate future much simpler. Our plans at this point are to 1: Have a baby in March, and 2: Potentially move to Grand Junction in June-ish. Grad School will go back on the back-burner for me, which was the original plan anyway. I probably won’t go back to work for a while after the baby either; and Praise God! He has provided us with the financial means through Jess’ Air Force scholarship so I won’t have to go back to work at all if I don’t want to!
At this point we’re just taking life one day at a time, and enjoying this incredible blessing that God has given us. I have been VERY fortunate so far to have had minimal sickness and fatigue. Wednesday (Sept 21st) is 14 weeks, and officially the beginning of my second trimester. We have had 2 ultrasounds so far, and are blessed to have what appears so far to be a perfectly healthy peach-sized baby who already has legs longer than the average adult… okay maybe a small exaggeration (but the kid already has seriously long legs! Wonder where he/she gets it!?!). Jess, my mom, and several other family members are convinced it’s a girl. I don’t have any premonitions at all, I’m just reveling in the fact that it’s going to be a baby of my very own; and hoping that, boy or girl, it has blue eyes and dimples like it’s daddy!
I haven’t felt it, and don’t have much of a bump yet (Jess and I can tell, but everyone else says they can’t), but I’m becoming increasingly aware of his/her existence. I’m looking forward to actually “looking pregnant,” starting to feel it move in a month or so, and of course finding out if it’s a boy or a girl in early Nov. What a fun Birthday gift!
Life is certainly busy, and I have as much as I can handle being a pregnant med student’s wife and a full-time nurse. It feels like two full-time jobs sometimes, but it is so worth it! I just can’t wait until I can focus on just being a wife and a mom for a while. I’ll try to update more often now, didn’t feel like blogging while Junior was still a secret; but now that I can share freely again, I plan to!
We’re very excited to say the least. It took us a little longer to get here than we though it would. Just one of the things that has made this last year challenging; but God’s timing is perfect! This resolves the job vs. school vs. moving to Grand Junction dilemma for me/us and makes decisions about the immediate future much simpler. Our plans at this point are to 1: Have a baby in March, and 2: Potentially move to Grand Junction in June-ish. Grad School will go back on the back-burner for me, which was the original plan anyway. I probably won’t go back to work for a while after the baby either; and Praise God! He has provided us with the financial means through Jess’ Air Force scholarship so I won’t have to go back to work at all if I don’t want to!
At this point we’re just taking life one day at a time, and enjoying this incredible blessing that God has given us. I have been VERY fortunate so far to have had minimal sickness and fatigue. Wednesday (Sept 21st) is 14 weeks, and officially the beginning of my second trimester. We have had 2 ultrasounds so far, and are blessed to have what appears so far to be a perfectly healthy peach-sized baby who already has legs longer than the average adult… okay maybe a small exaggeration (but the kid already has seriously long legs! Wonder where he/she gets it!?!). Jess, my mom, and several other family members are convinced it’s a girl. I don’t have any premonitions at all, I’m just reveling in the fact that it’s going to be a baby of my very own; and hoping that, boy or girl, it has blue eyes and dimples like it’s daddy!
I haven’t felt it, and don’t have much of a bump yet (Jess and I can tell, but everyone else says they can’t), but I’m becoming increasingly aware of his/her existence. I’m looking forward to actually “looking pregnant,” starting to feel it move in a month or so, and of course finding out if it’s a boy or a girl in early Nov. What a fun Birthday gift!
Life is certainly busy, and I have as much as I can handle being a pregnant med student’s wife and a full-time nurse. It feels like two full-time jobs sometimes, but it is so worth it! I just can’t wait until I can focus on just being a wife and a mom for a while. I’ll try to update more often now, didn’t feel like blogging while Junior was still a secret; but now that I can share freely again, I plan to!
Monday, June 20, 2011
decisions decisions,....
Hello friends!
I'm taking a quick break from auditing charts at work to update you all on what's happening with us. Let me tell ya,... chart audits were pretty hard to tear myself away from!
So first and foremost, my husband is a rockstar! He is oficially 1/4 Dr. Anderson, and passed his first year of med school with flying colors and a fantastic class standing. I'm so proud of him! He has two more weeks of relaxing (and honey-do-listing) until he leaves for Comissioned Officer Training School in Montgomery Alabama. He'll be in hot muggy Alabama getting yelled at and "roughing it officer style" for 5 weeks. Our first prayer request is just that this time would fly by for both of us as this will be the longest we've ever been apart. Jess will also be missing the first week of classes in August so prayers that he'll be able to get caught back up with minimal stress would be appreciated.
The second big prayer request is that I'm trying to decide what to do with myself the next few years. This job is certainly not getting any easier on me, and I'm really struggling to understand why God has me here and if He really wants me to stay. Some days I feel like I could handle it for another 6 months or a year, and other days I feel like I need to turn in my 2 weeks notice on the spot. I'm actively pursueing other jobs, but none give me a feeling of peace....
Soooooo,.... I'm looking into going back to school. Possibly this fall. It would be super last minute, so we have to make a decision quickly and a lot of our current plans for the next few years are dependant on the decision. I'm going into CU Denver later this week to talk to someone about program options (masters vs. doctoral programs and family practitioner vs. pediatric practitioner). We hadn't planned on me going back to school so soon, and financially it would make the next few years more tight; but it also would make sense in a lot of ways. Please lift us up when you think of it. We need wisdom to know what decisions to make and what God's timing is for our lives right now. There's a lot riding on this decision, and along with excitment about the possibilities, we have a strong desire to be following God's will.
Well, my thumbs are tired of typing on my phone, and I should get back to the stack of charts in front of me. I wish you all a happy summer and thanks for your prayers!
I'm taking a quick break from auditing charts at work to update you all on what's happening with us. Let me tell ya,... chart audits were pretty hard to tear myself away from!
So first and foremost, my husband is a rockstar! He is oficially 1/4 Dr. Anderson, and passed his first year of med school with flying colors and a fantastic class standing. I'm so proud of him! He has two more weeks of relaxing (and honey-do-listing) until he leaves for Comissioned Officer Training School in Montgomery Alabama. He'll be in hot muggy Alabama getting yelled at and "roughing it officer style" for 5 weeks. Our first prayer request is just that this time would fly by for both of us as this will be the longest we've ever been apart. Jess will also be missing the first week of classes in August so prayers that he'll be able to get caught back up with minimal stress would be appreciated.
The second big prayer request is that I'm trying to decide what to do with myself the next few years. This job is certainly not getting any easier on me, and I'm really struggling to understand why God has me here and if He really wants me to stay. Some days I feel like I could handle it for another 6 months or a year, and other days I feel like I need to turn in my 2 weeks notice on the spot. I'm actively pursueing other jobs, but none give me a feeling of peace....
Soooooo,.... I'm looking into going back to school. Possibly this fall. It would be super last minute, so we have to make a decision quickly and a lot of our current plans for the next few years are dependant on the decision. I'm going into CU Denver later this week to talk to someone about program options (masters vs. doctoral programs and family practitioner vs. pediatric practitioner). We hadn't planned on me going back to school so soon, and financially it would make the next few years more tight; but it also would make sense in a lot of ways. Please lift us up when you think of it. We need wisdom to know what decisions to make and what God's timing is for our lives right now. There's a lot riding on this decision, and along with excitment about the possibilities, we have a strong desire to be following God's will.
Well, my thumbs are tired of typing on my phone, and I should get back to the stack of charts in front of me. I wish you all a happy summer and thanks for your prayers!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Totally Random Garden Blog
So I'm going to have a garden this year. I've never actually had a garden before,... never even been super interested in gardening... but this year I am. And I have a 10' x 20' community garden plot. I had something slightly more modest in mind; maybe 5' x 10'? The garden lady finally met me today (after months of disorganization, post-poning, and re-scheduling) and showed me a 20' x 20' plot that was meant for me. This was me: "Uhhhh,... ummm,... hm. It's big. *awkward silence......* I'm not sure I can fill it." This is what I was thinking: "What, do I look like I have a dozen kids at home to feed?"
Anyway, (after making infinitely clear that I was a HUGE inconvenience to her in every way) she ended up giving me 1/2 of the plot (which is what most people have).
I have now spent most of my day planning, and shopping for everything I'll need for the most epic garden in my personal gardening history. Which will in fact be epic, even though my personal gardening history is limited to two sickly tomato plants I nursed through the summer last year.
In preparation for my garden this summer, I started tomatoes from seed about 6 weeks ago (praying that I would in fact get a plot as I was on the wait list at the time). I wanted to have a variety of tomatoes, so I started a packet each of: heirloon mix, cherries, and red lightening (which I mostly picked because they have an AWESOME name, and have cool stripey skin) tomatoes. Within 2 weeks I had 36 thriving tomato plants and a very amused husband. Come to find out that finding good homes for baby tomatoes is far easier than finding homes for say,... kittens. Although, at least 9 of my babies are now deceased thanks to my mother. She is very concerned (and justly so) that I will never trust her with my human children,... when I have them.
Anyway, all of this planting and growing and watching life emerge from dead life-less seeds, dirt, and steer poop, has continually reminded me of the awesomeness of our God. At first I would get so excited each time I saw a new seedling pop through. I was thinking: "I did that! That tiny, beautiful, living thing would not exist right now if it weren't for me!" And then I caught myself. Not me,... yeah I facilitated; but God did that. Why? Because he loves me and wants to bless me with it! I can't help but praise God. I'm so thankful that he placed us on an earth filled with life and green things. He didn't have to you know. He provided life and beauty on this earth to bless us; because we are His children and he loves us. Every time I look at my beautiful baby tomato plants (and the rest of my garden once it actually exists) I want to view them as a representation of the love of God.
I've always had these spontaneous, awesome, experiential praise sessions in nature. Every hiking, climbing, snowshoeing, or canoeing trip the beauty of God's creation moves me to praise Him because I feel so close to Him. It's like I can physically hear and feel the breathe of God in the wind on the top of a 14er. The intensity of the sun's heat when I'm climbing a rock wall feels like His gaze peering down lovingly, warming me from the outside in. Now I have the joy of that experience in the garden as well. Thank you Lord!
My challenge to all of you is to open your eyes, look around at the green and living things that are beginning to emerge this spring, and praise God for them! They exist because of His love for us!
Anyway, (after making infinitely clear that I was a HUGE inconvenience to her in every way) she ended up giving me 1/2 of the plot (which is what most people have).
I have now spent most of my day planning, and shopping for everything I'll need for the most epic garden in my personal gardening history. Which will in fact be epic, even though my personal gardening history is limited to two sickly tomato plants I nursed through the summer last year.
In preparation for my garden this summer, I started tomatoes from seed about 6 weeks ago (praying that I would in fact get a plot as I was on the wait list at the time). I wanted to have a variety of tomatoes, so I started a packet each of: heirloon mix, cherries, and red lightening (which I mostly picked because they have an AWESOME name, and have cool stripey skin) tomatoes. Within 2 weeks I had 36 thriving tomato plants and a very amused husband. Come to find out that finding good homes for baby tomatoes is far easier than finding homes for say,... kittens. Although, at least 9 of my babies are now deceased thanks to my mother. She is very concerned (and justly so) that I will never trust her with my human children,... when I have them.
Anyway, all of this planting and growing and watching life emerge from dead life-less seeds, dirt, and steer poop, has continually reminded me of the awesomeness of our God. At first I would get so excited each time I saw a new seedling pop through. I was thinking: "I did that! That tiny, beautiful, living thing would not exist right now if it weren't for me!" And then I caught myself. Not me,... yeah I facilitated; but God did that. Why? Because he loves me and wants to bless me with it! I can't help but praise God. I'm so thankful that he placed us on an earth filled with life and green things. He didn't have to you know. He provided life and beauty on this earth to bless us; because we are His children and he loves us. Every time I look at my beautiful baby tomato plants (and the rest of my garden once it actually exists) I want to view them as a representation of the love of God.
I've always had these spontaneous, awesome, experiential praise sessions in nature. Every hiking, climbing, snowshoeing, or canoeing trip the beauty of God's creation moves me to praise Him because I feel so close to Him. It's like I can physically hear and feel the breathe of God in the wind on the top of a 14er. The intensity of the sun's heat when I'm climbing a rock wall feels like His gaze peering down lovingly, warming me from the outside in. Now I have the joy of that experience in the garden as well. Thank you Lord!
My challenge to all of you is to open your eyes, look around at the green and living things that are beginning to emerge this spring, and praise God for them! They exist because of His love for us!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
conquering giants
I sincerely apologize for my blogging delinquency of late. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought to myself that I really should blog and remind cyberspace of my existence,… but have recently been at a loss for inspiration. There are a number of reasons for this that can be summed up by simply saying I’ve been heavily overwhelmed by a life that never follows the course that you expect.
So, here’s the story of the last few months: I started my new job in November, with a very open mind about what God might have in store for me there. I knew going into it that it was not a job that I had an inherent passion for, but trusted that God had me there for a reason, and that He could provide me with the passion necessary to succeed and glorify Him in the process. Welllll,…… That’s been much harder than I expected. Without going into all the gory details, I’ll just say that this job frequently leaves me emotionally wrecked. I’ve been struggling with some depression off and on, I’ve been getting severe headaches 3-4 times a week, and I’ve been feeling inadequate at home in filling my role as Jess’ helpmate.
This is NOT what I expected when I was experiencing the emotional high of God providing this job just in the nick of time for us financially. I felt as though it was so clearly God’s provision and plan that it was bound to be easy RIGHT? (Or at least easier than the precariousness of unemployment.)
Naive.
Well, I have to admit part of the problem, and a pattern in my spiritual life, is that I frequently go from a high point of complete submission and reliance on Christ (last fall) to a low point, and forget to translate everything I learned about God’s character.
I’m working now on making that translation. I learned so much about God’s faithfulness in the last year, now I need to figure out how to apply that to this new and unexpectedly difficult situation. Our pastor preached on contentment in church a few weeks ago. He was speaking primarily about financial contentment, but I was challenged more broadly than that. I feel some days that I just need to work to be content in the situation that God has placed me. Then I’ll have a rough week at work and feel as though I really can’t stay at this job, that it’s not fair to Jess and our marriage.
I wish that I could say that I’ve come up with the ultimate solution. I haven’t. But God really spoke to Jess and I this morning during some Bible study time (Yeah, we played hookie from church this morning. As Jess put it: We’re basking in the glory of God’s grace,….. at home.).
We read Hebrew 4:1-13. I challenge you to read it. It’s about entering God’s rest, or the word that I associate it with is His peace. The author talks about the Hebrews back in the Old Testament when Moses sends the scouts into the Promise Land. Most of them return with reports of giants that display a lack of faith in God’s power to conquer un-conquerable situations. Because of this fear and inability to see the situation through God’s eyes, an entire generation of Israelites never fully experienced God’s rest, or peace.
I don’t know how my job situation will turn out, but I do know that I don’t want to miss out on God’s promise of rest because I’m too busy worrying and being unhappy about my current circumstances. The only practical solution we have is prayer and trust in God’s omnipotence. So that’s our plan right now, just to experience God’s promise of peace in our lives through prayer and time together in communion with Him.
Our own Promise Land awaits, we may just need some help conquering giants before we can get there.
So, here’s the story of the last few months: I started my new job in November, with a very open mind about what God might have in store for me there. I knew going into it that it was not a job that I had an inherent passion for, but trusted that God had me there for a reason, and that He could provide me with the passion necessary to succeed and glorify Him in the process. Welllll,…… That’s been much harder than I expected. Without going into all the gory details, I’ll just say that this job frequently leaves me emotionally wrecked. I’ve been struggling with some depression off and on, I’ve been getting severe headaches 3-4 times a week, and I’ve been feeling inadequate at home in filling my role as Jess’ helpmate.
This is NOT what I expected when I was experiencing the emotional high of God providing this job just in the nick of time for us financially. I felt as though it was so clearly God’s provision and plan that it was bound to be easy RIGHT? (Or at least easier than the precariousness of unemployment.)
Naive.
Well, I have to admit part of the problem, and a pattern in my spiritual life, is that I frequently go from a high point of complete submission and reliance on Christ (last fall) to a low point, and forget to translate everything I learned about God’s character.
I’m working now on making that translation. I learned so much about God’s faithfulness in the last year, now I need to figure out how to apply that to this new and unexpectedly difficult situation. Our pastor preached on contentment in church a few weeks ago. He was speaking primarily about financial contentment, but I was challenged more broadly than that. I feel some days that I just need to work to be content in the situation that God has placed me. Then I’ll have a rough week at work and feel as though I really can’t stay at this job, that it’s not fair to Jess and our marriage.
I wish that I could say that I’ve come up with the ultimate solution. I haven’t. But God really spoke to Jess and I this morning during some Bible study time (Yeah, we played hookie from church this morning. As Jess put it: We’re basking in the glory of God’s grace,….. at home.).
We read Hebrew 4:1-13. I challenge you to read it. It’s about entering God’s rest, or the word that I associate it with is His peace. The author talks about the Hebrews back in the Old Testament when Moses sends the scouts into the Promise Land. Most of them return with reports of giants that display a lack of faith in God’s power to conquer un-conquerable situations. Because of this fear and inability to see the situation through God’s eyes, an entire generation of Israelites never fully experienced God’s rest, or peace.
I don’t know how my job situation will turn out, but I do know that I don’t want to miss out on God’s promise of rest because I’m too busy worrying and being unhappy about my current circumstances. The only practical solution we have is prayer and trust in God’s omnipotence. So that’s our plan right now, just to experience God’s promise of peace in our lives through prayer and time together in communion with Him.
Our own Promise Land awaits, we may just need some help conquering giants before we can get there.
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