Thanksgiving despite

This time last year I wrote a blog post about Thankfulness. I had just gotten a job, Jess was doing well in medical school, we were making great friends, God was providing for our needs, and things were cheerful in the Anderson household. In that blog I asked if our feelings of being thankful was merely due to our circumstances, or if it was really the product of a heart that was thankful for a loving God and His sacrifice. Well, that is certainly being tested this year.

I had to call in to work again today because I simply couldn't stop the tears this morning. Jess and I sat and he held me as I shed tears for my beautiful son and all the things I will never see him do. Tears from the pain of knowing I'll never see Jude smile. Tears from the pain of never knowing if he would have inherited his daddy's beautiful blue eyes and dimples. Tears from the pain of knowing he could never wear the cute little monster hat I crocheted for him because when he is born two of his entire body will probably fit in that hat. Tears that he'll never have a first word, first step, first day of school, first date, first kiss,.... probably not even a first breath. So many things he'll never do.... and tears for each one.

I WANT to be thankful this year. I want to be thankful for the time that we DO have with Jude. But I am struggling. We are both struggling. We will likely never understand completely why this has happened; why God allowed these circumstances to steal away our little boy. But we WANT to be thankful anyway. Does wanting to be thankful count for something?

There certainly are things that we are thankful for. We are intensely thankful for each other this year. We are intensely thankful for our family, both biological and spiritual. It may sound silly, but we are intensely thankful for our goofy pooch. But, I am certainly struggling with the verse 1 Thessalonians 5:18. "Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I realize that this verse doesn't say to be thankful ABOUT all circumstances, but even being thankful IN our circumstances is a challenge. How to be thankful despite so much pain?

I wish I had answers. Fortunately, our God is a gracious God. THIS I am thankful for without reserve.

Please continue to pray for our family through the holiday weekend. We feel like we should be starting to feel better, but the waves of pain continue to crash over us intensely. This week has continued to be excruciating. We know that the pain will become manageable eventually, but it is not yet. There are so many things on our minds, and decisions that need to be made. Prayers for peace over the holiday are much needed.

A few updated prayer requests are:
- Pray for us as we begin to make decisions and try to get things in order for Jude's unpredictable arrival. (Things like burial vs. cremation, arranging a photographer for the hospital, finding micro-preemie clothes small enough for a 1 lb or less baby, whether or not to do maternity pictures, etc)
- Pray that God would give us supernatural wisdom as we face the balancing act of carrying Jude as long as my body will allow, while not jeopardizing my health and future children more than necessary.
- And as I said previously, prayer that the pain would start to become manageable. And that there would begin to be times of enjoying Jude in between the waves.

These as well as the requests listed in my previous two blogs.

Thank you all so much, it is an encouragement to us to see how many people are reading our blog. If even a fraction of you are praying for us faithfully then we know that we are being lifted up by an army of prayer warriors. Love you all, and have a Happy Thanksgiving,

Jenn