No words

Hi friends. I'm writing today to ask for your prayers for a dear friend of mine. On Friday night they lost their 3rd baby. It was their second full-term unexpected stillbirth. There are no words for the pain that they are feeling. Everyone is still just in shock that this could happen to them again. And I know that if I am struggling with the questions of how, and why God? Then I can't imagine what they are struggling with today.

Please keep them in your prayers. The parent's names are Lelia and Wayne. The baby's name was Kamani, and he already had 2 older brothers in Heaven.

My prayer for them:
Father I come before you this morning to continue to lift up Lelia, Wayne and their family to you. I hurt for them, and am struggling to understand how you could let this happen to them again. I'm struggling to understand why this baby is not in his dear mama's arms, and how one family can be expected to endure so much pain over and over again.

I just pray that you comfort them. I pray that your presence would fill their home like never before. I ask Father that through all the hurt, anger, and questions, they would turn to you. That they would draw into you for the answers and not pull away. I ask that you fill their spirits with the peace that is beyond understanding. That though they are in the throws of grief and despair that they would have a knowledge that you love them more then they can imagine and that you are hurting with them.

Father build up community around them. I ask that you give their family and friends the words to speak that will be a balm to their hurting souls. Help Lelia and Wayne be able to communicate clearly what they need from their support system, and help them feel the love of those around them. Help them to understand that they don't need to walk this painful road alone. Give them the courage Father to ask for help when they need it.

I pray God that as they are just returning home you would grant them the capacity to deal with all the the baby things in their home. I pray you give them the wisdom to know what will be the most healing way to manage the nursery.

As well as emotional, and spiritual healing Father I pray for physical healing for Lelia as she recovers from a C-Section as well as all the physical discomfort of dealing with a post-baby body when there is no baby. I pray that she would heal quickly. That her pain meds would be effective. And that her milk would dry up quickly with minimal discomfort.

Father I know that you can redeem all things. Even things so painful that they seem beyond redemption. We know that you see a picture far bigger than anything we can imagine. God we ask that Lelia and Wayne are able to see that big picture someday. That they are able to understand how these losses were used for the Kingdom, and understand that all of their pain and anguish was not meaningless.

Father you know much better than I do exactly what Lelia and Wayne are feeling at this moment. You know exactly what they need right now, and I ask in your mercy that you grant them that. In Jesus name I pray,
Amen

October 15th

October 15th is Pregnancy/Infant loss awareness day.

This is a day set aside to recognize babies that the world doesn't. Did you know that according to my medical records, and SS I only have one child? We have no records of Jude's life. No birth certificate. Not even a death certificate. Because to the world, he was never alive. Because he never lived outside my womb.

But he lived. And his life and death made in impact on the world.

A guest missionary speaker at my church made a statement recently that will stick with me. He was speaking of missionary martyrdom, and serving God in potentially dangerous situations. He said this:

"As long as my life brings more glory to God than my death; I will live. But the moment my death brings more glory to God than my life; He will take me home." -Jeff Singfiel

Though the context he was referring to was very different, isn't it true for us all? Dusting off the catechism that I learned as a child: "The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever." (My mama will be proud to know that I still remember that! Homeschooling done right!)

Jude's purpose was the same as yours and mine. The difference is that somehow, for reasons I may never know this side of Heaven, Jude had more potential for God's glorification in his death. This thought is so convicting to me. It leaves me with the charge to share Jude's story with as many as I can! For God's Glory! It also leaves me with a lot of hope. Knowing that his life and death were not in vain. Though God's plan for Jude on earth was very short; I know that it was purposeful.

As was the life and death of every baby that is taken sooner than we would like. So even though to the world Jude never lived; I know better. Because I have seen God work in lives and move hearts through Jude's story. I have seen God glorified as a result of Jude's "nonexistance."

So, if you are another parent of a tiny one in Heaven, my prayer is that these thoughts encourage you to share the life of your little one with those around you today. Glorify God through your babies. And if you are a friend/family member of someone with a baby in Heaven, share with them today how that baby's life or death has impacted you or has drawn you closer to the Savior in some way.

2 Corinthians 4:7-18

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Fall is for Jude

As I sit down to write, I have that song in my head that goes: "time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future..." (By Steve Miller Band. I know nothing about this band, other than having heard this song so I can neither endorse or condemn their music or lifestyles.)

This is what is happening to me! I just can't believe how quickly these days, weeks and months are passing. Jess has been gone 4 of the last 9 months for school which is part of it. Single mom mode leaves little margin in life for anything but giant bowls of ice cream and a quick episode of either Dr. Who, Duck Dynasty, or whatever cooking competition show is currently running before I fall into bed each night. (My true nerd-dom is revealed.) But he's done with his away rotations and residency auditions now. Yay! They all went super, and he creamed his boards exams. Come to find out I married not only a Godly, handsome, natural-born leader, but he's also pretty stinkin' smart to boot. :-) I'm just glad to have him home for more than a few weeks at a time.

All that to say, I have a little margin in my life again! I've completed several craft projects, cleaned out a couple of closets, and cooked a few REAL meals in the last week. That's some serious progress! Whether Jess is home or not though, my life is so blessed. I have only been working about 1 day a week and leaves 6 days to spend with this handsome little devil:

Though he can be a handful, he fills our lives with more joy and laughter than we ever thought possible for us again. 2 years ago, we had no idea what was in store for us. I've found myself thinking of that time a lot the last few weeks. October 22, 2011 at 18 weeks pregnant, we found out we were having our first boy! Our Jude dude. Oh the excitement and joy! Oh the naivety. This date was quickly followed by a cascade of other dates and events that I will never forget. The last of which being December 21. The day we said hello and goodbye to Jude.

Even as I'm spending my days reveling in every one of Peter's abundant giggles, I find myself wondering how many of those smiles would be for Jude if he were here. Fall seems to belong to Jude. Though he always comes to mind frequently, it seems to be more tangible and more painful in the fall.

Fall makes it feel fresh again. I miss him so, so much.

It would mean grimy toddler fingerprints on ever window and surface in the house. It would mean more midnight wake-up calls. It would mean sick days, and cleaning up vomit. It would mean twice the diapers to change. It would mean toys strewn over the entire house. It would mean even less margin.

It would mean twice the love, snuggles, bedtime prayers, Raffi music, giggles, candid photos, food dropped to happy dogs, bathtime splashes, books half-read,...

And while I am SO grateful to have all of the beautiful moments with Peter. Nothing will ever change my desire to share them with Jude as well.

Visiting Jess in San Francisco

Hitchin' a ride on his daddy's back

playin in the yard with dad

fall in the San Juan's

He does love his puppy!