Breech

I'm frustrated with my response to the confirmation by my doctor yesterday that Peter is still breech. I thought I was prepared for the news and would be able to take it in stride, but have found myself struggling to get out of an emotional funk since the appointment. I'm quickly cycling through  3 drastically different attitudes about it:

Let's call attitude #1 the "Bitter Post-Babyloss Mama." It says: 

Suck it up,... it doesn't matter in the long run. Just be grateful that he's healthy! There are women who struggle with infertility for years, and that experience loss after loss that would love to have a baby by C-Section or otherwise. You of all people should know that a healthy LIVING baby is all that matters in the end. How dare you care HOW you get your baby,... you're getting him. End of story. 

Harumph.

Attitude #2 I'll name the "Misplaced Entitlement Mama." It says: 

Aren't I due an intervention free birth experience after Jude? Didn't I earn the chance to bring a healthy baby into the world in a fairly natural and "normal" way? Isn't it only fair that I get the opportunity to redeem the terrifying/heartbreaking experience of giving birth to Jude by bringing his brother into the world the way I want to? 

Whine, whine, whine,.....

Attitude #3 is the "Abiding Mama." It says: 

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart. Be still and know that I AM God. In ALL things God works for the good of those that love him.

I don't like the first two. I hate that those attitudes crop up in my mind. They layer on guilt for how I feel. They cause thoughts like: maybe I don't deserve this baby at all if I can't gratefully accept his arrival however it happens. Thoughts of inadequacy and guilt that don't belong in the mind of a Child of God. And underlying it all is the idea that: "there's still time for something to go wrong." I'm still not guaranteed that this boy will live and be ok in the end. 

I want desperately to rest completely in attitude #3. But there are still pieces of me harboring bitterness, entitlement, and fear that I will once again be asked to relinquish that which I hold most dear. 

I'm praying against these attitudes and thoughts. I'm praying for a return to the peace that I have been able to cling to the last few months. 

Philippians 4:7 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

The logistics: 

We're still praying he'll flip on his own, but my doctor said the chances of that happening at this point are pretty small. So we're scheduling a External Cephalic Version for next week. That's where they manually flip the baby by basically shoving him around from the outside. Not a very pleasant experience from what I've heard, but it at least gives us a chance at going into labor naturally. The down sides are that there is only about 50/50 chance or less that it will work, and there's a tiny chance that something could go wrong and we'd have to do an emergency C-section on the spot. There's also a good chance if it IS successful that he could just flip back around before I go into labor on my own.

We'd appreciate your partnership in prayer that the version would be successful  and that he would stay put afterwards!

And here's last weeks belly picture, just for kicks and giggles:

Dec/Jan in pictures

I keep putting off blogging until I have more time and energy to do it....

Well I think I'm finally coming to grips with the fact that I'm just not going to have any extra time or energy for well,... 20 years or so. :-)

So instead of writing much I'm going to give you an over-view of the last month in pictures:

Our dear friends Hannah and Stephen, and Beka and Kevin from Parker sent these flowers for Jude's birthday. They were so beautiful! We also got cards and notes from a number of people. It was so special to us to know that there were others thinking of him on his birthday, and missing him with us.

We drove up on the monument for his birthday and did a little balloon release. It was a beautiful, but COLD day, so we didn't hang out too long, but it was a super special time for Jess and I.

Up up and away they go! Hope you enjoyed your birthday balloons sweet boy!

The day after Jude's birthday we were in the car by 4am on our way to South Dakota for Christmas with Jess' family. It was a wonderful time with the fam, and we had a beautiful white Christmas in the Black Hills. We had so much fun hanging out with everyone, and really enjoyed getting to know our little niece Sylvia who is almost 3, and loves ANYTHING princess. She was generous enough to share her "pincess cwown" with her uncle who, to her delight, wore it proudly.

When we got home we had a fun but rather frantic weekend to finish as many baby projects as possible before Jess left for Colorado Springs for the month of January for his pediatrics rotation. 

Since almost everything for the nursery was either home-made or second hand, it took some work getting it all cleaned up, painted and set up, but we are pretty darn proud of the nursery we pulled together for our little guy on a next-to-nothing budget!

The crib took some finagling, but my honey conquered it!

Here are a few pictures of the (mostly) finished project. 

We also had fun taking some maternity pictures that weekend. My little sisters were home from college for their Christmas break, and Cara took some awesome photos of Jess and I. They came and visited us the week before Jude was born, and took maternity pictures for us then too, so it was fun, and pretty special to have them help us this time as well.

Here is a little bit of their handy-work:

These were all at 32 weeks.

I just LOVE Mt. Garfield in the background of this one!

Ooh-la-la is right. :-) 

Handsome hubby and I.

 The geese were looking a little too peaceful, so we decided to chase them. I almost fell over in the process. :-)

Then Jess headed to the Springs. :-(

My sister Amy came over a few days before she headed back to school and helped me  put together the stroller that had just been delivered. Libby is looking on with curiosity. All of the changes and new things around the house are making her a bit nervous. She can tell that there are changes coming!

The weather has been uncharacteristically cold for Grand Junction, so we've had snow on the ground for over a month now. The dogs LOVE it, but I have a hard time dragging myself out to walk them by myself very much. I've been sick for pretty much a month straight now; and that certainly doesn't help. First a stomach bug, then the flu, and now a cold. Fortunately on the days I feel up to it, the field next to our house offers the perfect pooch playground. 

Here's my Lola-pup enjoying a romp in the snow. I love this picture!

Jess has about two more weeks in CO Springs, then he'll be home again for a few months. I can't believe it's only about a month and a half until we'll get to meet Sweetie Petey! I'm getting really excited, but at this point I'm really not stressed or anxious at all. I feel like God has just blessed me with a great peace about the entire pregnancy, and I feel so fortunate. I expected to be such a nervous wreck the entire 9 months!

Praise God for His blessings on this month, and praying for health and continued peace as Peter's arrival approaches!